Tuesday, July 21, 2009

He gave me the shirt off his back...literally (Originally posted 8-19-05)

He showed up a few hours late and I was pissed. Our time was already short, but because of his tardiness, it was shorter still. My anger partially melted when I opened the door and saw him standing before me with unease knotting his shoulders and sadness etched into his face. He apologized over and over and over again. I played tough cookie and was mildly disinterested in his apologies or sorrow. I was callous but cordial when I invited him in...I wanted him to feel guilty as sin, but secretly, I was so happy to see him. I haven't seen him in almost a month I think. We stood facing each other. Me: stoically silent; him: fidgety and mournful. Since the only air conditioned room in my house is my bedroom, and since the rest of the house is 30 degrees hotter than satan's ass canal, I invited him to the boudoir.

We entered and again stood facing each other. He continued to apologize and took my hands in his, softly caressing my skin. At one point his voice broke and then the tough cookie crumbled. I hemmed and hawed as long as I could, I swear I did! I made him sweat a bit, but shamefully, I didn't last long. I smiled and told him I would forgive him...if he would forgive and forget my past transgressions. He didn't want to...but he did. With all that past we finally embraced.

Ohhhh it was sooo good, so right, so much better than nice...it was perfect. I put my ear to his chest and focused on the rhythm of his heart. At that moment it was beating for me. He held me forever...or so it seemed. Tired of standing, he led me to the bed and sat me on his lap. He hugged me so deep my breath stopped. He touched my lips with his, whispered apologies in my ear and continued to ask my forgiveness. I cannot refuse him. In that moment, I would have given him my spare kidney if he'd asked for it. Then we lay together on the bed and kissed, whispered and enjoyed what little time we had left before he had to go to the airport. I apologized for my past selfish and distant behavior and he forgave me. I nuzzled his neck in an attempt to inhale and forever capture his scent. Not satisfied, I asked if he would give me the shirt off of his back...and he commenced to removing his shirts. He offered both but I only took one...the undershirt; because it was closer to his skin. I inhaled deeply the scent of him. I love the way he smells. He smells like the middle of Spring, the first day of summer, soft June breezes, thunderstorms, the birds singing at dawn, that first spoonful of strawberry sorbet, the laughter of children, the waves lapping at the shore, my favorite jeans, freshly mown grass, the leaves changing colors in Autumn, the first time I recited a poem before a large crowd....he smells like all my many favorite things wrapped up in one aroma. I want to wake up to his scent, fall asleep to his scent, dream about his scent, wrap his scent around my shoulders-breathe-soul deep and never ever lose his scent.

He is getting to me, and I didn't think I could get got again. His smile melts me. He looks so innocent. But he ain't. He's a Scorpio. He studies Tantra and the Kama Sutra. He studies me too. Intently...so intently it makes me fidget and inquire about his thoughts. His answer varies but he usually says something like..."I'm thinking about how wonderful you are", "I'm thinking about how soft your skin is", "I'm thinking about how beautiful you are", etc. But I digress, I kissed his exposed flesh and paid reverence to his imperfect perfection. I was rewarded by his sharp intake of breath and his beautiful voice murmuring my name. He made it sound like a prayer. I enjoy our intimacy without sex. I love our mind sex. I cannot stop thinking about him. He makes me grin big foolish grins. He makes me want to skip and hum nonsense ditties. I feel like a school girl with her first crush, *giggles*

All too soon he had to leave. I missed him before we made it to the front door. I told him so and he didn't want to leave. He didn't leave...right away anyway. He was over a half hour late getting to the airport. After he finally left he called me from the car and we talked as he drove. He promised that we would see each other on Monday. That's an eternity away...but I can make it. He called me several times; his voice gentle each time. I told him he makes me want to be a good girl...as in discontinuing my playgirl ways. He told me there was a time when he thought I cared nothing for him, he thought he was just one of many...lowest man on the totem pole at that. I told him he was my number one draft pick...he didn't find that funny. I confided that I did care for him, deeply in fact. I told him that's one thing he'll never have to question. He caught me off guard when he asked what he should question then. I had to think for a moment. Should he question me? Do I want him to question me? Why would he question me? I emphatically answered that there is nothing in me he should question. He replied, "good". Our conversation ended when he reached the airport to retrieve his cousin. Yes, he was over a half hour late picking his cousin up. But he said it was worth it to spend time with me. I felt bad for his cousin but cheered for me. He called me a little while later to tell me he and his cousin were going to go out on the town and that he would talk to me again soon. Soon won't come soon enough. They're driving to Detroit in a few hours and I won't see him again until Monday. So tonight I will sleep in his shirt remembering how his skin felt against my lips, remembering the cadence of his voice as we conversed...inhaling deeply his scent that smells of all my many favorite things. He gave me the shirt off his back...next I'll ask for his heart.

Even her tears cry (Originally posted 8-1-05)

Bittersweet salty confections

Conceived, nurtured and born in the face of a beautiful monster

Frightening creature is she; done in by self-imposed limitations and her own perceived inadequacies

She breathes tragedies, her pores expel the stench of her own personal hell

Wrists bearing the marks of her desperation

She feels she's failed and cannot forgive her own transgressions

She thinks she's exhibiting discretion by isolating herself, so afraid that the crowd will guess her secrets

She hides the pain behind plastic smiles and artificial giggles

But even her laughter hides tears that cry

She's so convinced by her own lies that truth could bite her and she'd not feel the sting

Her fingers curl in upon themselves as she mutters silent prayers to deities unknown to her

She wants to save her own life but can't decide if the fight is worth the reward

False pride and counterfeit self-esteem are her banners

All this because he lived and died on the same day

His tears cried too


This piece was inspired by a woman I love more than life itself. I so wish I could take away her pain, her desire to self-destruct. When I was young I wanted to be just like her. Hell I wanted to be her. I thought she was prettier, smarter, better than me. But she is just a woman. Just an average woman with an average woman's fears, nightmares and insecurities. She lost something precious and it drove her to the edge. So now she stands with her toes clutching the rim of a great precipice, arms out, ready to fling herself into the abyss. I want to save her but I don't know how. I want to love her but she won't let me. I wish she would love herself a little more but I don't think she knows how. My tears cry too. For her and my lost nephew.

Monday, July 20, 2009

Shrines, dreams & things (Originally posted 7-29-05)

The above image is the Adinkra symbol for Sankofa which means: "return and go get it"

I erected my ancestral shrine on Monday, July 25th. My sleep has been peaceful ever since. Coincidence? I don't believe in coincidence. Two nights after the shrine had been completed, I had the most incredibly realistic dream about my first soul mate.

In fact, the dream was sooo real, that when I woke up, I expected to see him lying next to me smiling. I was kind of sad when I woke up alone. I mean I know that I will always carry a part of him with me, I know that whenever I want to commune with his spirit I can approach the shrine but....it isn't the same. At any rate, even though he is not one of my ancestors, I revere him on my shrine because he was such an important figure in my life. He passed away back in February 2001. I don't remember too many details about the dream but I do know that we were riding bikes downtown Chicago and laughing and talking. When he was alive we spent a lot of time exploring the city together and just talking. He was an incredible person. I miss him so much that at times it's unbearable. I compare every man I date to him. Not in an unfair way or anything like that, just in a; "DE" was the definition of a man, is this dude a real man kinda way. Because of "DE" I know what I deserve, I know how I should be treated, I know what to accept or deny. Because of the dream, I made sure that I spent some time with him at the shrine before I left for work that morning. I told him I missed him terribly and that any time he wanted to visit me, whether I was awake or sleeping, he was more than welcome. I had that dream Wednesday, July 27. I've not dreamed of him again so far. My next plan of action is to erect my shrine to the Orishas/Lwas. I have no idea where I'm going to put it though, there isn't enough room in my bedroom and it's supposed to be someplace private. I'm sure most of the folks who will read this will have no idea what I'm talking about.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

"Mr. Wonderful" (Originally posted 7-23-05)

I had the most wonderful time with a wonderful man. I will call him "Mr. Wonderful".

We've been hanging out for a few weeks now...he started out as a painkiller for the "O" ache. I like him. He's highly intelligent, sweet, gentlemanly, handsome, a Scorpio, mannerly...so many things to like about him. *Tummy flutters* Rebound? Quite possible. Do I care right now? Not really. He makes me feel good.

So last night, we shared an evening of intimacy without sex or intercourse...it made my spirit soar. At one point in our conversation we spoke on love. How to recognize it, nurture it and keep it. We didn't get as deep as Khalil Gibran, but we did manage to explore fathoms together that otherwise would have gone unchallenged. I told him (as I tell many people) that love and loving are simple to achieve; people make love difficult. A person could fall in love every five minutes if they gave themselves permission to, but they won't and don't. You see, folks are afraid, insecure, selfish, self-centered, etc. Loving requires you to abandon those things (to some extent anyway). Most people can't do that, mainly due to fear. I have no problem loving people and falling in love. Actually, I'm too good at loving people and falling in love. I assume (life hazard, I know) that all people are inherently good and that they have the best intentions. Does that make me extremely optimistic, unrealistic or a naive fool? All three actually, lol. Regardless, I believe there is a tremendous lack of love and loving relationships (of any kind) in the universe.

Getting back to "Mr. Wonderful". So during our conversation (and amidst much caressing, kissing and embracing) he quips that he appreciated me whole heartedly and that he found it very possible to love me. Mind you, we are lying in bed (fully clothed but aroused to the point of critical mass) during this exchange. Though I believe in love and it's power I'm a bit of a skeptic...lust has just as much power too you know. At any rate, his declaration appealed to the romantic in me but it put the skeptic in me on guard. Had we not been in bed in the middle of the night, perhaps I could have believed him with fewer reservations. After all, I'm worthy of love and very lovable. But alas, I am world weary so his words were sweet but just words to me.

In those moments I was so aroused I was ready to throw caution to the wind and rip both our clothes off and take him. But guess what...he wouldn't do it. He said that though the moment seemed ideal, he didn't want either of us to have a shadow of a doubt that sex, was exactly what we both wanted. He went on to say that just like I considered what I had to give to be precious, his body was also a temple and precious...he couldn't just give it on a whim. Well color me stunned...that was definetly a first. A man turning down wet puss from a beautiful mostly ready, willing and able woman? You're thinking what I was thinking right? Dude has hella integrity/morals/values or he's gay. I'm sure it was the former. We didn't have sex (but boy did I want to because I ain't had none in a while). What we did do, was fall asleep in each other's arms after spending the entire evening basking in the glow of one another's company. Regardless of whether he's running game or he's just that decent, I truly did enjoy his company that night and I would do it all again with the same results (no sex). It was one of the most beautiful evenings I've ever had. Intimacy without sex or intercourse.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Good Morning! (Originally posted 7-19-05)

I feel great this morning! I slept pretty well, had good dreams and upon awakening I had my ancestors on my mind. I will most definitely be creating my ancestral shrine by weeks end. Though this is my first time mentioning it, building an ancestral shrine is very important to me. More often than not, I have found myself feeling disconnected spiritually (especially since renouncing christianity). I am certain that connecting with my ancestors and allowing them to guide me will bring me some much needed clarity and peace.

Today is going to be a great day...I can feel it.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Hi, my name is...(Originally posted 7-18-05)

My name is Nicki and I have a problem. It is called Approachingdirtythirtyitis Syndrome. Symptoms include but are not limited to:

Highly overactive libido

Increased dermal sensitivity

Perpertual state of arousal

Heavy breathing

Ravenous sexual appetite

Howling at the moon

Constant self-pleasuring (when not involved in a committed relationship)

Continuous sexual fantasizing

Relentless male crotch watching

Unremitting lip licking

Persistent come hither looks directed at appropriate male population


There is no cure, but regular sexual intercourse (regualr being 1-2 times a day everyday) may control some of these symptoms. To learn more about Approachingdirtythirtyitis Syndrome or to make charitable contributions to the Approachingdirtythirtyitis Syndrome Foundation, please contact approachingdirtythirtyitissyndrome.org. Your time, contributions and cooperation are greatly appreciated.


"O"...it's "O"ver (Originally posted 7-11-05)

On my momma I don't play with people. He has been told about himself and his numbers have been deleted. And I didn't even have to speak to him. Four words is all it took. No cursing, no rants...just four words. And because I know he'll call and I have no intention of answering the phone, I'm removing my voice from all my voicemail greetings. I won't give him the satisfaction of hearing my voice again. Yeah I'm cold, distant and unforgiving...and I don't give a fuck. Real talk.

Random Mental Ejaculate (Originally posted 7-9-05)

(Another piece composed for "O". Also recited at several open mics)
(By the way, that's "O" up there. Nice right?)

It's 8:56 P.M. and tonight is a night for random thoughts. I am thinking of Him. His voice....damn, I feel it touching me. Stroking me with almost fluid smoothness. It caresses the woman I am and the woman I wish to become. I want Him...all of Him. Not just His dick, but all of Him. I want His mind, spirit, emotions, regrets, fears, dreams, even His children's children. I want His body like I want my soul to be free. I want all He is and was...I want everything He ever will be. He is made up of things I wanted, received then cast away. He is made up of the past, present and future. Now that I am becoming what I am meant to be I can appreciate all that He is and will be. I have to be blatantly honest......I want to fuck Him mentally, spiritually, emotionally and physically. I want to get so deep inside of Him that we won't be able to tell where He ends and I begin. I want Him to do the same. I want Him hilt deep inside of me, exploring every crack, crease, crevice and corner of my being. I want to build something with Him. I want to plant seeds with Him and just sit back and watch them grow. I want Him to want me like I want Him. I want to breathe Him in and out 24-7-365. I want to share my world with Him. There's nothing I wouldn't do for Him or give to Him. When I think of Him clich├ęs come to mind, shit like....He's so fly if I jumped off a 20 story building He could catch me in mid-air. And He's gonna have to catch me because I'm falling...for Him. My thoughts have been taken hostage by His presence and my mental meanderings begin and end with He and I becoming us. He is incredible; unforgettable...sonnets should be composed and dedicated to the rich blackness of His skin and hair. He is as close to perfection as I can imagine but as far from perfect as any man is. I cannot define Him...that would limit Him and His abilities. His fascination with my hips, lips and eyes cause rivulets of arousal to drip from between my thighs. He makes love to me with his words and croons impassioned tunes with His eyes. I feel His hands and know bliss. Even in my most fanciful conceptions I never knew it could be like this. Most times I cannot articulate the sentiments He inspires. It seems like everything I desire to say about Him has already been said. The words I want to use have been taken by someone else...uttered by strange deceitful lips so that now they're unfit when trying to describe what He is to me. The best I can do to relate His traits is play songs by Jill Scott and India Arie. But I must take a stab at it. He makes me dream dreams and think the impossible is possible damn it. He makes me want to simultaneously sink and float...fly sky high and get down and dirty. I want to suck His soul through His dick and let His essence dwell in me forever. Yes, I'm talking about tantric love and Kama Sutric sex. I want Him literally, figuratively, virtually and realistically. I just...I just....damn I just want to have Him, hold Him, get under His skin and make myself at home. I want us to be deeper than friends/lovers, higher than a husband/wife and truer than soul mates. I don't care about the haves and the have nots, the past disappointments or possible future failures...I just want Him. I want Him like I want to breathe my next breath of fresh air.

This is for my black aphrodisiac of a muse, his John Kerry-esque tendencies have me all confused....body of a god and fickle heart of a man, it's all I can stand to not shout his name from the rooftops and carve his heart encased name in trees. He has the kind of good stuff that makes me want to spend the rest of my life on my knees. If he says the word it's his exclusively.

Saturday, July 4, 2009

Divine Speech (Originally posted July 9, 2005)

With my words...
I could speak your scent into existence
Invoke your presence and...
Dwell in your unspoken thoughts
Words, like milk and honey, dripped enticingly into your ear....
Barely audible but felt soul deep
That's Divine Speech

The Sermon (Originally posted July 9, 2005)

I hear the rain and mouth your name
My full lips come to rest on the last syllable of the only heaven I know...
Your name
Behind my closed lids I invoke your image
Your smile has been seared into my subconscious
I contemplate the contours of your structure with my mind's eye
Your temple is sacred to me
I whisper my petitions along your holy halls and you gladly grant my requests....with fervor
I feel you...everywhere
My fingers become yours...
Delving into the dips and curves of my prone form
Who can appreciate me like you and I can?
You devour my giggles and grunts with equal relish
And afterwards...
We lay satiated on Egyptian cotton sheets outside under the knowing eyes of the universe...
We plot our lives in the constellations

Nothing Special (Denial) (Originally posted July 9, 2005)

You are nothing special
Though my heart races at the thought of you...
Though being in close proximity to you makes me weak...
You are nothing special
I am simultaneously attracted and repelled by you
Your voice pacifies me but your mild contempt for my views alienates me, riles me and inspires in me the need to debate until I'm blue in the face
But...you are nothing special
Though thoughts of you keep sleep at bay during the long nights...
Though we can speak on nothing at all for hours on end...
You are nothing special
Remembrances of you and how you touched me mind, body and spirit eradicate all others from my subconscious
You have seduced me senseless with your intellect...your very presence leaves me breathless
You are nothing special
I slept with my nose pressed into the sheets we fucked upon for two nights after your departure
The mattress was soaked through with our sweat
Our perspiration commingled with your cologne, my perfume and the musky funk of spilled cum made drifting off to sleep and dreams of you oh so sweet...
And yet, I continue to make claims that...
You are nothing special

More Random Ramblings (Originally posted July 6, 2005)

His chocolate skin
His tight eyes
His smile...it's like the sunrise
His divine body
His emphatic mind
His laugh...it helps me unwind
Damn I miss him

Resignation. Not a sailboat but a speedboat. Heading into the harbor from the hostile open sea.

Sometimes I am so easily discouraged. I hate that. I hate that I allow people to darken my doorstep with their troubles, insecurities and confusion. I've come too far to turn back yet I'm nowhere near the finish line. I don't want to give up but I know I'm gonna come in dead last. A consolation prize just won't do. I don't want a participant's ribbon, I want the trophy of champions. I'm racing so hard that I'm out of breath and I don't know if I can take another step. I've been left behind so many times I don't even know if I can find my way anymore. Not sure I want to do this anymore. I'm too far behind to even the score, every major muscle is sore, I am fatigued to the very core of my being. Seeing as how I have purged every resource available to me what options have I? Lay down and die? Collapse and cry? Keep running? But why? I tried to pursue the prize, tracked its progress with my eyes and ran until blue turned black skies. Running but not moving....stuck in place. Until the race.....is over.

Yeah very random and all over the place. Today I did nothing at all and that was just fine by me. I've been working late every night for the past 3 weeks and I am beyond tired. On Monday, July 25 my girl gave her two weeks notice. I was sad for me but happy for her. Her new position with a new company will afford her way more opportunity for growth. We discussed the possibility of me succeeding her in her current position but that's one promotion I'll gladly pass on. Too much work, too little pay and too much of a headache. People have problems. That is the revelation of the day. I have problems too, don't get me wrong, but I can admit my shit. I may have made a mistake last night. In the moment it seemed right and good but right now, I'm starting to feel remorseful. Oh well, I can't take it back now. I've felt the strong urge to write all day but because I'm a procrastinator and my thought patterns tend to be rather erratic, I'm just now getting around to it. I was just listening to Supa Love by Jean Grae (my favorite female MC and one of my top favorite songs). If you haven't heard that song you need to hear it. It's about love of course, that elusive stranger. In a conversation with a friend I depicted love as a sinister stalker endeavoring to lead its victims down dark escape-less alleys, where once cornered, the victim shall then be bashed in the skull and then left for dead. I know that's probably an unhealthy and abnormal way to look at love but I've been assaulted one time too many. Funny though, I was just having a chatversation with Tammy earlier today about how I was ready to give myself permission to fall in love. What a difference a few hours make. Now anyone who's well acquainted with me knows that tomorrow I'll be singing a different tune. I'm easily frustrated when I don't get my way in matters of the heart. Which brings me to a good question. How do we love? By that I mean with what part of our being do we love people? Do we love with our hearts, spirits or minds? Do we/should we love with all three? Perhaps we are supposed to love with all three but usually we don't. Perhaps love is incomplete until you can love with your heart, spirit and mind. That's what I'm thinking. Why is it so hard for some people to love? Is it fear? Lack of know how? I sure would like some answers, lol. But then, wouldn't we all? There are times when I can feel my heart shutting down. I feel my spirit becoming less and less receptive to its desire to connect with someone. I am so comfortable with my own company now that being with someone is no longer a deep desire. It would be nice to be with someone though because I have the sex drive of a pack of wild bitches in heat, lol. But sex should not be the primary reason for desiring a relationship. I know the tone of this blog is somewhat pessimistic but in truth, I remain hopeful that someday a man will enter my life with much fanfare and remind me how good reciprocal love truly is. Until then, I'll vent my frustrations so I don't become the dreaded BBW (bitter black woman).

Untitled (Originally posted June 22, 2005)

If you know Why The Caged Bird Sings and your Eyes Are Watching GOD, meet me in The Killing Fields that we may pick Strange Fruit. Let us climb the Rough Side Of The Mountain together and roast like Raisins In The Sun. I know 2000 Seasons have passed and still we are Waiting To Exhale, but I am convinced we shall Thirst No More. I have witnessed your transformation from a Black Boy to a Manchild In The Promised Land and you aided me in becoming a Phenomenal Woman. I know you have suffered through the Coldest Winter Ever, I was there with you….my Soul On Ice. You and I are both Outkasts searching for our Roots but one day This Too Shall Pass. No more will black Men Cry in the Dark....instead they will Cry Freedom.

I'm an Afrikan! (Originally posted June 22, 2005)

Ghana West Africa, the home of my spirit/i`ve drawn sneers and jeers when i confess i`ve never been near it/must i trace my lineage to prove my Afrikan worth?/bob marley`s spiritual home is Ethiopia though Jamaica saw his birth/i claim no royal Afrikan birthright, i have no idea if my ancient kin sat on thrones/i do know this though, Africa is in my blood and bones/my heritage was stolen from me but i`m fighting to gain it back/i don`t claim negro as my race and my ethnic category isn`t black/these are lables placed on me by a society that ignores my legacy/ameriKKKa is a bloated wh*re like a woman in her last month of pregnancy/a nation of greedy political gluts/ sucking off the natural resources of other countries like back alley sl*ts/some will say ameriKKKa love it or leave it/but i`m staying right here where my ancestors died to conceive it/this land is tilled with the blood of more than my people you know/consider if you will the chinese, mexicans and the native dwellers who were forced to come and go/but it doesn`t stop there, the colonization is worldwide/ameriKKKa has its long greedy fingers in many foreign pies/do some research and you`ll find some interesting facts/ameriKKKa is f*cking over the world like prostitutes on their backs......

I'm a fool...(Originally posted June 18, 2005)

So not only did I write this for "O", I also recited it at the open mic night I frequent. He was speechless when he finally heard it...

I'm sitting at my desk thinking about this love of mine/he's captured my heart and he stays on my mind/I wish I could find...a way to break free/he's mastering the art of enslaving me/too bad I can't develop some bravery....and just walk away/needless to say, I stay, his feelings are neither black or white....they're gray/he's unsure but I decided....I love him too much to try and hide it/I confided....in him, revealed my heart and spoke some words/he heard....but did he listen?/I hate when people don't pay attention/no wonder we women feel like we're in a competition....we compete with the agony of men's past failed relationships and emotional defeat/how can I convince him that I won't repeat.....the mistakes they made/why the hell is he so afraid?/didn't I prove I was different when I laid......my heart bare before him?/why must he he compare me to them?/I guess when you swim....with sharks often enough your exterior has to be tough/he needs to cut me some slack though because I've had enough/he’s playing tug-o-war with my affections/while he hides his from my detection/protection....from me is unnecessary/I know love can be scary....but scarier still is life lived in constant fear/I'm here.....so near he can reach out and touch me/I want to be his lifeline....when he feels like he's drowning he can reach out and clutch me/hell he doesn't have to pay all the time, he can go dutch with me/I have his back, I'll ride or die and be his RBG chick/I'll stick....with him through thick and thin/be there when he needs me again and again and again/his lover and his friend/his erection softener/I'll give it to him more often....than her.....and those and them/all the ones that didn't love him....the way he deserved/I've reserved....myself for him/though I could be with many others, my fire and desire rest in him/I'm my best with him....our vibe is so right....we can talk all night....not get any sleep...and still manage to be deep....I weep....at the thought of his lips on my shoulder blade/he is one of the most beautiful creatures God has ever made/his skin is as black as midnight skies/he induces my impassioned cries....when he thrusts his soul in between my thighs/his eyes....I could get lost in their depths.....but one more missed step, and he'll lose me forever/if he can't get it together I'll find someone better....

I have lost my faith...(Originally posted Friday, June 10, 2005)

In the inherent goodness of people, the power of love but most of all in my ability to remain unscathed by the wounds the universe unwittingly dispenses. All my life I have strived to be diplomatic, compassionate, open minded, resillient and forthright. I just can't do it anymore. I'm tired. Over the past few months I have purposely withdrawn myself from many of my circles...I find my own company to be a safe and welcome retreat from the confusion and selfishness that the human horde exhudes. The catalyst in my decision was my recent attempt to reconcile a relationship that was once of great importance to me. As it turns out, the party I once held in such high esteem sought only the solace of my familiarity and willingness to forgive and forget. For a moment I actually believed he cared about me, missed me and wanted to give it another go. That is afterall, what he claimed. But truth be told, he meant only to use me as the pain killer for the love/lust gone wrong ache. Amazing how some men will choose to frolick with court jesters when they can reign with Queens. But I guess such is life right? At any rate, my first mind was to curse him until I was blue in the face, but that would be a waste of my precious time, energy and emotions. Instead, I told him to seek help elsewhere because I am not the 1 the 2 the 3 the 4 or the 5. Suffice it to say I'm done with him mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually. I have nothing left to give.

Love Scene...(Originally posted Friday, May 27, 2005)

I have a scenario playing in my head......

You and I are standing in front of a closed door

You turn and gaze at me with questions in your eyes

Instead of answering I turn from you, put my right hand on the doorknob and slowly turn it

The latch clicks and I push the door open

Before us lies a room swathed in semi-darkness

A large picture window provides a striking view of the black sky speckled with heavenly lights

A beam of cold, white moonlight reveals a large bed encased in red satin sheets

We stand in the doorway t
ransfixed by the sight

Hesitantly you take my hand in yours and lead me inside the room

As we cross the threshold music begins to play

The soft, sensual tune drifts around us easing the tension from o
ur bodies

I walk slowly over to the bed and caress the cool sheets with my trembling hand

Behind me I hear the sound of the door closing and the lock being engaged

You move stealthily across the room until you reach my quivering form

I feel your warm breath on the back of my neck

Your lips graze my bare shoulder and I jolt as if shocked

Your hands stroke me from shoulders to hips and my pulse quickens with anticipation

I close my eyes and bask in the heat of your nearness

I revel at the feel of your tongue on my collarbone

The sensation of your fingers undoing the zipper on the back of my dress elicits a low moan from my parted lips

Slowly and deliberately you push the straps down and off my shoulders

You tug the garment until it falls into a silky black puddle around my ankles

I stand before you wearing nothing more than my black lace thong and high heels

I hear the rustle of fabric as you take off your clothes

I shudder with expectancy

I turn around to confront you and find you completely naked

No longer are your eyes questioning me

You close the gap between us with one step and hungrily embrace me

You lavish my throat and shoulders with soft lingering kisses

I feel your erection pressing insistently against my abdomen...

My album review of Common's "Be" (Originally posted Wednesday, May 25, 2005)

I copped it yesterday evening and I've been listening to it ever since. First and foremost I just have to say I am tired of Kanye West. He's an aiight producer and he's in demand, but lyrically, he's wack. He has no flow and he's just fucking annoying. Don't get me wrong, he has made some good songs and I respect him for it but anyone can speed up a sample and play it over some drums and shit. Anyway, back to "Be".....isn't it amazing how brothas that hook up with Erykah Badu wig out but after they break up with her they come back hard? Common shines on "Be" with the efervescent "Go" which I'm diggin' like vinyl addicts. "Testify" (and other songs) feature the famous sped up sample by Kanye West (thanks KW, we needed more of those). Testify is both clever, funny (imhoa), well written and nicely produced. "Faithful" puts me in the mind of "I used to love her". Both great songs with double meanings (for me anyway). Bilal lays down some really nice vocals on "Faithful", damn I miss him. "The Corner" and "Chi-City" bring the gritty, pretty but ugly side of the Chi out for a stroll down memory lane. Listening to it made me think back on things I saw and heard growing up on the South and North sides of the city. "Love Is" makes me feel sentimental...I wanna play this during the summer while I'm chillin' by 35th Street beach watchin' people watch me. "The Food" is a live duet (can I describe it that way, lol?) of Common and Kanye featured on the Dave Chapelle Show. On this song Com reminds me of Jay-Z for some reason...I dunno, maybe it's just me. Anyway, it's a good song but Kanye annoys me singing the bridge and doing the hook. "Real People" is lyrical food for thought like only Common can serve up. The track makes the gems he's dropping so easy to digest...if I were a smoker lighting a dutch to this would be a plus....mmmm groovy. John Legend drops some nice vocals on "They Say" another feel good, gem dropping, lyrical feast. I love songs like these...they make me think, make me want to be even more pro-active. Kanye ruins the song with his corny ass lyrics, no-flow having self. I'm not a hater, I just ain't jumping on the Kanye bandwagon. "It's Your World (part 1 & 2)" makes me think of the Art of Story Tellin' 1 & 2 by Outkast and several Goodie Mob songs. Just good fucking songs. They inspire nostalgic melancholy but also impart a sense of hope.

Overall, though this is Common's shortest album to date it is incredibly refreshing and reminicsent of a pre-Erykah Badu Common we ain't seen in a minute. My only hope is that the commercialism of Kanye's Tracks and reputation don't detract from the reemergence of one of Chicago's biggest and brightest Hip-Hop (true Hip Hop not rap) greats. "Be" will be a huge commercial success because of Kanye West.

That's my 10 cents. Rest easy y'all.

P.S. For the most part, production on this album is tight. Especially the tracks featuring Jay Dilla (that Detroit playa).

It seems like a mighty long time...(Monday, May 16, 2005)

Since I've had anything to say. I've been in a funk lately. For a long time now actually. Remember that man I was so sprung on? Yeah, well my head is all fucked up over him. That pisses me off because usually I'm pretty resilient. I keep telling myself there was nothing great or spectacular about him (other than the mind numbing, earth shattering, heaven-help-me-because-I'm-going-straight-to-hell, incredibly orgasmic sex we had). In truth, this man was like an extension of me. I feel like a part of me is gone. I mean, whenever something good/bad/stupid/incredible/funny/or whatever happened to me, he was the first person I called and vice versa. We talked about everything, he was (prepare for overused cliche) the Ying to my Yang, we were like Siamese fucking twins...or so I thought. He was one of my best friends and now...he's gone. Why can't I just get over him? I can't even look at anther man without feeling revulsion. This is not good. My ability to create has damn near shriveled to nothingness and I spend too much damn time thinking about his ass. I know he's not thinking about me, not missing me, not giving a shit if I live or die...so why is it I'm here still pining after him? A friend of mine told me the best way to get over one man is with another...but I can't do it. Just the thought of another man touching me makes me sick to my stomach...literally. That is why I've been spending so much time alone. I go out alone, I stay in alone, I shop alone...shit I haven't even wanted to get myself off. You know, I'm starting to believe this muthufucka put roots on me or something, lol. Maybe he buried a pair of my drawls in his backyard. I have only had it this bad one other time and that was after my first love and I broke up.

Several weeks ago I hung out with a friend of mine and he told me I had it bad. Now I didn't mention the man that has my head all fucked up whatsoever and I was in a spectacularly good mood, but somehow my friend intuited that I was in a bad way. Of course I was offended. I was like, how dare you imply that I don't have my shit together. The kid doesn't lose it over any man...believe that! Well, he just looked at me like I was a fool and laughed and said, "keep telling yourself that if it makes you feel better." Well I don't feel better fuck you very much! I'm telling you that I am through with love and men. Period. Done. Finito. I cannot lose my head like this again, I don't like how it feels. I don't like feeling out of control and vulnerable. I don't like having my fucking feelings crushed...I'm usually the crusher. Maybe that's why I'm going through this...KARMA. I promise I'll be nice from now on. Okay, I promise I won't be as mean anymore. Fuck it, I'll just stay the hell away from people period...that's the only way to avoid hurting and getting hurt. Yeah right, lol. Well at least I haven't done anything undignified like contacting him. His fucking loss. I love him so much I hate him. This can't be healthy. Anyone know a Root Doctor, lol?

Sometimes I touch myself...(Originally posted Wednesday, March 30, 2005)

And when I do, I marvel at how good I feel. My skin is soft....I use dove moisturizing body wash (Lever 2000 after working out) and Johnson's baby lotion afterwards. Skin fragrant, tender and smooth.....sometimes I pretend my hands are His. Whose? Him, whomever He is.....you know, the one who will love it like I do....maybe more. I like searching, seeking, touching, exploring, just appreciating the suppleness of my shoulders, neck, arms, thighs, etc. Sometimes I touch myself to the accompaniment of music. I stroke my bare shoulders to the strains of Get Lifted Again by John Legend....on repeat. It makes me feel sexy and desirable. I caress my sides, ribcage and tummy to the sounds of John Coltrane's In a Sentimental Mood....thoughts of moon drenched shores behind my closed eyes. Damn, I'm so soft, can't get over how good I feel. My perfume drifts up to my nostrils when I cross my arms over my chest to caress the back of my neck, shoulders and back. Hmm, what words come to mind....sexy, sensuous, slender, soft, pliable, lush, deep, rich, intense, exciting, illicit, pleasurable, aroused, erotic, moans, taste, exquisite, touch, enjoy, pleasing, gratifying, rub, thrust, penetrate, fulfill, climax, quake, shudder, release.....

Mmm, one of these days my divine mate will manifest and he'll be like the following Talib Kweli song:

Talib] Let me holla at you

[Talib and Bilal] Can I talk to you?(x5)

[Talib] I want you, cuz you make my heart skip the beat that I drum to I want to be the one you run to, when pain confronts you You're everything, sometimes I get nervous when I'm in front you You can hear it in my voice when I ask you if you comfortable Look how love do, I'd practice the Art of War for you like Sun Tzu Come through and arouse you every morning like the sun do If you blackout and collapse I want to help you to come to Notice I haven't yet gotten to what I want from you I want you to come to when I come through and make you shine like the sun do I want you to be the valley for my river to run through You're everything, send your soul through your lips to my heart Sweet music will start I want you to be the muse for my art When people try to rip us apart we got to work to stay together Go through the seasons of love and never change with the weather This is my wish list, what I want not what I need there's a difference These days I'm learning that words got power so I'ma be specific

[Bilal] Can I have a talk with you? Can I make a dream come true? Can I be in love with you? Cuz I would if I could

[Talib] Yeah sunflower You must live in the infinite blackness that exists when I close my eyes I see you when I fall asleep, I see you when I dream

[Bilal] Lil' darlin' Set your soul on fire (lil' darlin') Be your one desire (lil' darlin') Lil' darlin' Can I talk to you? (lil' darlin') Lil' darlin', lil' darlin' Can I talk? (lil' darlin') Can I talk, can I talk, can I? Lil' darlin' (lil' darlin') Can I talk to you? (lil' darlin') Let him talk to you Set your soul on fire

Until then....I'll keep marveling at my own softness, loving myself and acquiring the elemental (knowledge & wisdom). Still pumping that John Legend...this song turns me on. Rest easy y'all.

Random thoughts (Originally posted Tuesday, March 22, 2005)

This piece was inspired by the book of Ecclesiastes. For all his wisdom King Solomon still fell victim to folly. He seemed morose, depressed even. Just goes to show you that even the wisest of us make poor choices.

I sup from a bowl of disappointment, whetting my gluttonous appetite for punishment with empty words and broken promises. I drink the bittersweet juice of expectations unfulfilled from the cup of judgment, knowing I shall drown in its misleading depths. I did this. Allegiance misplaced, there is no honor among thieves. Open: naked, bearing all under the pretense of feeling safe. There is no safety among numbers, only a false sense of security. It shan't happen again. Bled of all tenderness, purged of my desire for continuity; I care not. All is as it should be.....as it always has been and as it shall remain. Inspired by the book of Ecclesiastes. For all his wisdom King Solomon still fell victim to folly. He seemed morose, depressed even. Just goes to show you that even the wisest of us make poor choices.

Friday, July 3, 2009

Plateau (Originally posted on Thursday, March 17, 2005)

For some reason I'm feeling extra anti-social. I don't answer my phone when people call me, I don't check my voicemail, I don't call people back...I have no idea why either. I just don't want to be bothered. In my solitude I read, write and think. Lately I've lacked purpose, or at least that's how I feel. A part of me knows that this shift is due to my decision to renounce christianity. I see now why religion is so important...it gives people structure, normalcy even. I feel abnormal sometimes. I know I made the right decision, I don't doubt that, I just have to get used to the idea of being free instead of a being a brainwashed religiously zealous zombie.

I feel much like how Neo must have felt when he was unplugged from the Matrix...disillusioned...bewildered.
I have only to continue seeking truth and I know that this "wilderness" time will pass or I will pass from it. Amazingly enough the things I was once passionate about mean very little to me now. I'm beginning to realize (much like King Solomon) that most earthly things that we seek after (other than knowledge and wisdom) are meaningless. Cars, clothes, jewelry, etc...all bullshit. Even romantic relationships, or the pursuit thereof, lack importance. I just don't care about those things anymore. How refreshing.

Just some thoughts....I guess (Originally posted Friday, March 11, 2005)

Today was one of those days where the mercury that monitors my moods went sky high, valley low and somewhere in between. This morning I felt like a queen bitch but such thoughts are absurd, lol. I'm not really mean, I just have a low tolerance for bullshit and I am prone to erratic mood swings (God bless Virgo women). I haven't done any real work all week; isn't that a shame? I've been spending most of my time writing and thinking (not on here though). I'm feeling like a mental midget right now; too much sugar does that to me. I just wanna curl up and go to sleep. I'm horny as hell. I live in a perpetual state of arousal. Damn if the myths about sexual peaks aren't true. I'm tired of masturbating....I wish I was in a relationship so I could have sex every day. Of course I'd need a man who's sex drive is as high as mine, lol.

My debut!!!! (Originally posted on Friday, March 04, 2005)

Hot damn last night was so exilirating, so freeing, so much damn fun! I'm talking about my first time reciting at this spoken word spot I know of. I practiced all day but the butterflies wouldn't go away and I sounded so robotic that I thought about chickening out. But when I got behind that mic.....man it was like I transformed into a completely new entity....almost like I stepped into a new identity. The crowd disappeared and it was just me and that mic. I spoke into it like it was the love of my life. I have never felt like that before...I felt so powerful and in control. I felt like I'd cast a spell over myself. It was just so damn....I don't know, incredible! I didn't ever want to stop, even after the piece I recited was over I wanted to keep on going. I think I've found my calling, I think I've discovered my true love! Caressing mics with the words poured forth from my windpipes, connecting consonants and verbs spewing them forth as spoken word....damn I want a mic right now so I can just come alive! I feel like I've been reborn! I hope my muse can keep up with my desire to speak, lol.

Random stuff (Originally posted on Thursday, March 03, 2005)

I feel like a million bucks...damn I want to be spent, lol. Today is just an E-X-C-E-L-L-E-N-T day!!!! It's 5:30 PM and the sun is still out, there's only a hint of chill in the air and my belly is full of good food and cold water, lol. Tonight I'm going to recite a piece at this spoken word spot....I'm kinda nervous because I'm a virgin to it, usually I just listen. My guy Derrick is gonna be there. I can't wait to see him, I've missed him. I'll write more after the event. Ciao!

Angry, frustrated, sad, resigned and more...(Original post date Tuesday, March 01, 2005)

Today was a great day. Today was a horrible day. "O" called me at 3:55 this morning drunk as all hell acting silly on the phone. In a way I was happy to hear from him but I was also annoyed as all hell. I mean, I've not been sleeping well at all for the past week or two and I was on the phone with him from around midnight Saturday until I think 8 in the morning Sunday. I didn't get in bed until close to 2 AM Monday so suffice it to say, a sistah was heated when the phone rang. He's done this before...he'll call me at some ungodly hour and want to chit chat. Usually I don't mind, but with the break between us, that shit just isn't cool. Now I say it wasn't cool but at the same time it was so good to hear his voice. I fuckin' go to pieces when I hear this man's voice and I hate it! I wanted to cuss him out and hang up in his face but instead I talked to him for an entire 30 minutes. Mind you I had to be at work at 8:30 AM. Talk about no decency or consideration right? Not that I don't claim any responsibility...I do. I could have let the phone ring or like I said above, cursed him out and hung up on him. At any rate, he talked shit, I listened and laughed all the while thinking...he still loves me right? I mean this phone call has to mean something other than his drunk ass calling to act silly. Damn I over-analyze everything. Always searching for meaning when sometimes there is no deeper meaning....it is what it appears to be. When we hung up it was like my heart had been crushed all over again, only not as bad as the first time. I just want to forget about him. Fuck being friends (why dudes always wanna be friends anyway?) I have enough gatdamn friends. I'm a black or white person...I have no time or desire to live in gray areas. But that is where he is trying to imprison me. But here's the situation...I can't imagine not talking to him but I hate the fact that he's on this "let's be friends" shit. I feel like I'm in limbo and I despise him for putting me there. I know I can walk away anytime....right? Damn I'm caught up. I HATE THIS. His ass isn't thinking about me but here I am agonizing. Fuck this and fuck him. Asshole.

Transition (Original post date Saturday, February 26, 2005)

It's amazing how you can know something is going to happen before it actually happens. Earlier this week I knew "O" was going to start with his John Kerry-esque behavior again. When I received the e-mail stating "we need to talk", I knew something wasn't right. Even before the e-mail....I just knew. But I pretended all was well, perhaps because I wanted all to be well. Funny how we lie to ourselves. So here I sit, trying not to be sad because the end that I knew was coming came. I wonder if he's sad? I wonder if he is thinking about me right now? I've been here before. I got over it faster than I thought I would. I still love him fiercely. I don't want to. I want to forget him and maybe pretend like he and I never were. But no, that's just the hurt speaking. I want to one day look back on he and I and smile with no hint of sadness or regret. I am grateful I had the opportunity to know him, love him and spend time with him. He is a beautiful creature. He has some truly deep seated issues, but that does not detract from his light. I told him that he needs to stop hiding his light, afraid someone will snatch it away from him. I also told him that his light is much like a butterfly in the fisted palm of a child. Squeeze too tight and the wings will be crushed and the butterfly will never take flight again; if the butterfly remains imprisoned too long, it will suffocate and die. Either way the light is extinguished. His response was that his butterfly had died long ago and there was no hope of it ever coming back. How sad is that? How tragic that he should think this way. It makes me wonder....what happened to him that he feels so defeated? He is like a shell of a man....a walking husk. I feel for him. I just want to wrap my arms around him and take away his pain, frustrations and fears. But that is not my job. I cannot fix him....I am not his savior. My purpose in his life has been fulfilled and now I must move on. I still love him fiercely. I think I always will. I'm okay with that.

On my mind at this time (Repost)

So I'm in the process of migrating/consolidating my many blogs from the many places I post them. I'd forgotten all about this blog until a few weeks ago when a friend of mine told me he was creating a blogspot account. Since Yahoo 360 is dead and Myspace is dying, I'll be using my blogspot to house my old blogs and post new blogs. For those interested in getting to know me, reading my old stuff will be helpful to you. You'll be able to bear witness to my progression and regression from 2005 to present. Enjoy...or don't. Peace & Power...

This is the very first blog I ever wrote. It was originally posted on Myspace on Friday, February 25, 2005.

I'm at my desk at work listening to the Turn Off The Lights remix by Nelly Furtado featuring Timbaland. I'm counting the minutes until I can leave work and be fully enveloped by the weekend. Now playing is Scared Of You by Nelly Furtado...I love this song though it makes me sad for some reason. Folks are sleeping on Nelly, this chick can sing her ass off. I have no idea what I'm going to do this weekend. I don't want to go out with any of the people that want to go out with me. Maybe I'll hit the bookstore and just browse for some new titles. I hate Chicago in the winter time. That's it for now I guess...I'm tired of typing.