What love is/ain't? (Originally posted 4-26-06)

I'm like you, I write too. It could be a limmerick or a haiku. My pen is swift and delivers true, if you try to bite my shit I'll fight you. Sometimes I rhyme but most times I don't, I could write a few paragraphs but today I won't. I'm just sitting here keystyling today, I should be working but I want to play. I write what I feel, think and see. I write some for you but mostly for me. I write to release, I write when I'm tense, I write to ease the pressure when nothing makes sense. I write to ease the pain and diffuse my anger, when I don't write away the blues I feel like my spirit is in danger. Sometimes I write like a wordsmith and sometimes I write like a novice, but everything I write comes from within...that's a promise. Today is an example of my less polished pieces, no one will confuse this for a dissertation or thesis. My grammar sucks and my spelling is sometimes off, but most can grasp my flow without getting lost.

Yeah, okay that's enough of that, lol. Today I want to talk about love. What is it about that little word that can cause so much big trouble? People have fought and died for love. People search their entire lives for love. Hell folks will even murder for love...or so some lunatics have claimed. "Love made me do it". I once had a very vivid dream about a man who murdered another man because he "loved" a woman so much. I wrote a poem about it and I would share it right now but I don't know where it is. But you see how passionate, how dedicated, how absolutely intense (obsessive) love can make some folks?

Love will make you do some crazy shit. Love will make you let down your guard even though you're scared as hell, love will make you slap a bitch, love will make you cut a fool. Once love (and a little bit of anger and of course mucho self-defense) made me almost beat a bitch to death. I was once involved with a man who just had to have more than one woman. She knew about me but I didn't know about her until later. One night I was at "my man's house" and she showed up...with a knife (unbeknownst to me at the time). Now I'm no punk but I ain't crazy either, so I called the cops just off GP. This was new jack city type stuff to me, I'd never been there, never done that and mos def didn't get the t-shirt/keychain/coffee mug. I don't know why, but he opened the door and let her in the house. Why would he do that? Well I'm not one to be punked so I went up to her and tried to kick her out, I didn't put my hands on her, I pitched something she gave him "two years prior" (per him) out the door hoping she'd follow it. Wrong move on my part because that bitch snapped. There was at least a foot of space between us and she launched herself at me. Now I just happened to be in various states of undress (it was well after midnight and he and I had been in the bed doing "it") so I was at a disadvantage. This chick got her hands in my hair and knocked me to the floor by kneeing me in the stomach. I have to tell you that after my breath whooshed out I saw darkness like Rick James whenever he looked at Eddie and Charlie Murphy. When I felt her tugging at my hair I saw R E D. No one touches my hair in a threatening manner...no one. I balled my fists up and started pummeling this chick in every soft spot I could find. When that didn't get her off me, I used my nails to claw her face/neck/arms, when that didn't work I started pulling her hair out, when that didn't work I used my fists and knees together. The whole time this punk ass muhfucka is in the background telling her to get off me. I was laying on the floor underneath her screaming, "I'ma kill both y'all bitches when I get up off this floor". It's kinda hard to fight when you're damn near butt ass naked and pinned to the floor. Her blood started dripping into my face and getting in my eyes so I had to close my eyes but I kept pounding on her. Still, she would not let me up. All this time the front door was open and the next thing I know, 8 cops come running in with guns drawn and big voices booming. It took 4 of those male cops to get this chick off me and the whole time I am still punching her with one hand, kicking her and clawing her with the other hand. She was BERSERK. They finally got her on her stomach and managed to cuff her and I got a good look at her. She was fucccccccked up. Both her eyes were swollen shut, her lip was busted, she had large patches in her head from where I'd ripped out her hair, scratches and gouges in her face from where I'd clawed her and she was just a bloody fucking mess. But despite it all, the bitch would not get off me. Now that's love for you. She took a serious ass kicking from me that night. The cops cuffed all 3 of us. I was mad as hell and screaming my half naked fool head off. I was just way beyond indignant. How the hell they gonna cuff me and I ain't got on no damn clothes...obviously I belonged there! Vagina all out and shit! Well they hauled me off to the back of the house so I could put something on and I was able to glance in the mirrror. I was very surprised at what I saw. My face was burning because the chick took her hands out of my hair long enough to scratch my face but there wasn't nearly as much damage as I expected. I was missing some hair too but not as much as she was. Don't get me wrong now, I was scratched the hell up but not nearly as I should have been for someone pinned to the floor by a maniac. The lady cop sat me down and told me to tell her what happened...so I did. She took the cuffs off me and they brought Mr. Punk Ass Muhfucka into the kitchen to get his story. He was still cuffed. Do you know this mofo had the nerve to say HE DIDN'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED! "They just started fighting", he says. I jumped off the chair so fast it flipped backwards, I was gonna kill that punk ass muhfucka! Good thing the lady cop was between us. She told me to stop screaming and calm down or she'd put the cuffs back on me. I sat my ass down. One of the male cops came into the kitchen and told me that due to the nature of the crazy chick's injuries I could be arrested but because she was technically trespassing and she had a weapon, I was getting away with self-defense. He told me she had severe lacerations that may require stitches, I'd almost broken her nose and I'd knocked out one of her teeth. I smiled at that but I kept quiet. I wanted to kill that bitch. I wanted to fuck him up too because that bitch came with a knife to put a serious hurting on me. I was hot. I pressed charges...he didn't. I wanted a restraining order but he wouldn't cooperate so they wouldn't give me one.

Ain't that a bitch? Three different people, all of them in various stages of love and all of them willing to go the distance to protect it. I found out later that that crazy bitch left her 5 year old daughter at home alone to come and take me out. How the hell she know I was gonna be there? He loved her so much though that he refused to back me up in court. Me, well I just looked like a damn fool. I loved him so much I overlooked things I shouldn't have and believed him when he told me I was the only one. Hmm. Perhaps that was just foolishness on my part.


At any rate. Do you see how love is? Love will drive you to do things that you normally wouldn't do. Love will make you blind. Love will make you protect folks even when they are dead wrong. But more than anything...love perseveres. After that incident I dropped that dude like he had Bubonic plague and he got back with his crazy knife wielding ex. They later broke up and he called me trying to get back but I now had the t-shirt/coffee mug/keychain. More important...I loved myself too much to even consider taking him back.



Fast forward to Wednesday, April 26, 2006......I am in love with a wonderful man. He is not perfect by any means, but he strives. Now I wouldn't cut a bitch for him but I will beat a bitch to death for myself. I realize that there are going to be challenges that he and I will face both as a couple and as individuals, but I am confident that he and I can do it together. Love brought us together, love will keep us together....we'll fight for that love.

 

Update... (Originally posted 4-18-09)

1. Today -  I'm PMS'ing so watch out.

2. Last Friday -  DMG and I went to his great aunt's funeral - I wish I'd gotten the chance to know her. From the remembrances everyone shared she seemed like she was an awesome awesome lady. His family is really nice. After the funeral I went to church with him to listen to him play organ. He wound up playing the piano and drums...he's pretty damn good. After that we picked up some food and went home and watched movies until we passed out.

3. Last Saturday - My daughter and I had a girl's only outing so we took in a movie and did a little shopping. We had a really bad moment at Urban Outfitters (racial profiling) but otherwise, it was an okay outing. DMG came by that evening and me, him, Kari, Courtney and my guy Jahi all sat around playing Uno. We had a lot of fun.

4. Last Sunday - DMG had to play organ for an early Easter Sunday service but afterwards we drove to the south burbs and had dinner with my family. They were pretty well behaved with one or two exceptions. They seemed to welcome DMG pretty well...I was ready to reveal claws the minute someone stepped to my man the wrong way though, lol. I'm so protective of him even though he can take care of himself, lol. After dinner with my fam we went to DMG's church for an Easter Sunday evening service.

Whewwwweeeeeeeeeeeee! Let me tell y'all, that was a powerful damn service. I was crying like a baby. I mean I had a real breakthrough that night. As I said before, I don't plan on making some grand return to christianity but I'm open to whatever the Universe has in store for me. After service we went home and watched tv until we passed out.

*******************************************************************************

In summation...

I just cannot articulate how happy I am. This wonderful wonderful man has come into my life and just changed my entire outlook on love and the endless possibilities thereof. He just captured my heart out of nowhere. Sometimes I just want to cry I feel so blessed. This is it y'all. Damn, this was on my vision board you know. If y'all ain't up on vision board you better get your weight up. A large portion of the items I placed on my vision board have come to pass...no bullshit. Anyway, to all my peoples that were cheering for me, consoling me, advising me, loving me and just generally being a friend...I love y'all and I put that on everything. Peace, abundance, light and love to all y'all!

Finally... (Originally posted 4-12-06)

Or maybe I should say "At Last" like Etta James. Yeah I think I will...take a look at the lyrics:

At last my love has come along
My lonely days are over
And life is like a song
At last the skies above are blue
And my heart was wrapped up in clover
The night I looked at you
I found a dream that I can speak to
A dream that I could call my own
I found a thrill to press my cheek to
A thrill that I have never known
You smiled, and then the spell was cast
And here we are in heaven
And you are mine at last



That is how DMG makes me feel. Sometimes I get so scared though. Sometimes I'm afraid I'll wake up and he will have just been a dream. Then he strokes my cheek, reassures me I'm not dreaming, he ain't leaving and we will be together always. This man loves me to death! I mean he really really loves me. Every time I think about it, every time he does something to show it, every time he says it...I'm just amazed. Not because I think I'm unworthy, but because it of the apparent depth and breadth of his love for me. I was not looking for him, I was not interested in dating or falling in love, I was actually thinking that I may have spend a very long time by myself. Then things with him just sort of...blossomed. It happened soooo quickly. We've known each other for 6 years but I never before thought about dating him. I mean...we were just friends. But no we're so much more. Everything I went through to be with this man today has been worth it. All the tears, the cursing, the disappointments....all that shit was worth it. I am wide open and smokin'. I smile all the time now. Those of you who know me personally know that this in itself is a miracle. I am not a smiley face person, I usually don a serious face because smiling makes me feel weak and vulnerable. Now I stay smiling, lol. Strangers want to know what's up, they call my smile beatific. My co-worker said I "got that glow", lol. He's amazing. I mean he is just an awesome man. I have never encountered anyone so willing to help others, so willing to encourage those needing encouragement. He is so kind, so giving, so patient, so sincere, so... (ick)christ like. He got me to do something I said I'd never do again. I went to church y'all. Slow ya roll, I ain't about to make a grand return to christianity or nothin' like that,  I just went to hear him play piano and organ. He is splendid on the keys, just really talented. He plays 13 instruments. He also sings and writes music. Actually, everyone in his family is musically gifted. Almost everyone sings and/or plays an instrument or two. But let me not digress. He is beginning to mean a lot to me. I think about him all the time. When we're apart I cannot wait to see him again. He has pictures of me up in his house. I have a picture of him up in mine. When we aren't together we're on the phone with each other. We will talk for hours and hours and hours. Good thing we're both "In", lol. I would gladly have this man's little green eyed beige skinned babies...okay, well maybe not, but I'd think about it. I guess, lol. He makes me happy. I make him happy. When I am with him everything looks different...feels different....smells different...I'm different. We are good together. He always opens doors for me. He always walks on the outside. He has this way of putting his hand in the small of my back when we're walking that just makes me feel so....safe, desirable, protected, etc. I love his mind, hugs, kisses, his laugh, his eyes, his cute little nose, his long fingers, the way he dresses, the way he smells, the way he carries himself, his genuine love of people and music. He makes me want to be a better person. He compliments me. He feels like the other part of me that I've been trying to find. I love his sense of humor, it's wicked. Wow. He lavishes me with his time and attention. He is spoiling me. I like it. I want to spoil him back. I won't be afraid. I will love him without restraint and I will let him return the favor. He's willing to give me keys to his house. I'd rather have the key to his heart....but I'll take the key to the crib too, lol. He said that he belongs to me and I belong to him. I did not disagree. He said he wants to be with me forever. I told him he could.

He said I'm his dream girl (Originally posted 4-6-06)

He loves me for me. Despite my perceived imperfections, despite my occasional lapses of self-confidence, despite my pendulum like mood swings, despite my rants, raves and road rage....he loves me for me. He ignores my seething sarcasm, laughs at my dumb ass jokes, kisses my hand, strokes my hair, whispers in my ear, hugs me without me having to ask...and he does it all because I am who I am. I am good enough for him. He doesn't want me to change....well he wants me to be a little more patient, but other than that he tells me I'm wonderful just as I am. He loves me for me....despite my hang ups, idiosyncrasies and eccentricities. He calls me every day, he wants to see me all the time, he loves my eyes, he loves my lips, he thinks I'm cute, beautiful and sexy, he calls me baby, he thinks I'm special....he goes out of his way to make sure I feel special. He's special. I'm glad I stopped running from him. Six years is a long time to run. I'm glad I let him catch me. He makes me happy. I'm smiling right now, lol.

What a disaster (Originally posted 10-6-05)

That last blog? Fuck it! All those good words wasted on a jackass. Here's what happened when we got together...

He called me Sunday, 10-2-05, at the last minute so we could meet downtown for lunch...on the same day. I was lounging in bed watching football when I got the call. He didn't know where he wanted to meet, didn't know what he wanted to eat and didn't give me an exact time to be there. I jumped out of bed anyway and rushed to get ready...I even wore a short ass skirt because he likes to look at my legs. He gives me a random ass location to meet him and I comply. Now when I get there after speeding and worrying about speeding tickets and trying like crazy to find a park what do you think he says/does? This muhfucka had the nerve to cop a funky attitude! Okay, so I was a little late, but how's about a little gratitude? How's about, I'm glad you made it safely? Something. Nah, this muhfucka is mad. Do you know for the first hour we were together he hardly spoke four complete sentences to me? I'm not known for my patience, actually I'm known for being highly impatient and going off with little provocation, but this day Gandhi and Mother Theresa would have been proud of me.

I wanted to cuss him the fuck out but that's why we stopped speaking before. So I held my tongue and played nice. It didn't matter though because the nicer I was the more of an asshole he became. I was ready to dump my food in his lap by the time the waitress came back with our order. Suffice it to say I never finished lunch. I couldn't choke the food down because of the lump of rage in my throat. So we left. Despite all this I swear I missed him like crazy, I really did. So on the way back to my car I got in what I knew would be a last feel on his ass and a few kisses on those beautiful lips. I squeezed his man titts too, lol, pudgy bastid. He'd put on at least 15 pounds. And that's on top of the 30 extra he was already carrying. What can I say, I like fat boys.



Anyway, he drove me back to my car and as I made to transfer from his automobile to mine I told him I loved him...and I meant it. Though he's a fat fucking asshole and reminds me of the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man, he's also a sweetheart and we had a great time together in the past. I loved his spirit, our conversations, his ability to deify me, his lips, mind, the way he reacted to my touch, etc. I love him but I can't stand him. Anyway, he smiled and prepared to respond to my declaration of amore but I closed the door on him. I'd had enough. Yesterday (Wednesday, 10-5-05) he called me. It began as a random chat but then he got serious and said we needed to talk. I just laughed. He told me he couldn't get involved with me because his career would suffer (this shit again). This time I stiffled my laugh and told him I certainly didn't want to interfere with his career. He proceeded to tell me how great I was, blah, blah, blah, but I stopped listening after he said career.


I don't know why he felt the need to call me and have this arbitrary conversation, because after the fiasco on Sunday (which was his way of breaking things off), I was done with his ass anyway. He prattled on for another couple minutes and told me that we should remain friends. Not even trying to mask my sarcasm, I said sure, that's cool. I mean really? I had and have no intention of speaking to him again let alone being his damn friend. After we disconnected...again, I immediately deleted all his contact info, pictures, everything. I blocked his e-mail addresses too. This time I don't feel bad. I don't feel too much of anything actually. Is it possible to feel nothing after feeling so much of something for someone you claimed to have loved? I wasn't in love with him but I did love him. Or did I? Shit I don't know. Maybe I just loved how he made me feel. Who cares now anyway. He inspired me to write some good pieces though. I will miss having a muse more than anything. What I won't miss is the game playing.


Other than that....I'm going to Michigan this weekend with a bunch of friends and their kids. It's going to be cold as a witch's tit but I'm looking forward to it. I'm tired of writing now.

Back to "Mr. Wonderful" (Originally posted 9-22-05)

For Real though, you are The Sweetest Thing I've ever known. I never should have gone off on you. I apologize. I was being selfish and impatient and inconsiderate. I acted impulsively. I know. I banished you but I wanted the exact opposite. I crave your presence...I mean truly crave it. When you're around, I breathe you. I'm addicted to you. I don't need to touch you...being able to absorb you with my eyes is enough. But touching you...touching you is exquisite; like a divine visit on each and every one of my ten digits. You make me hungry.

This may sound strange but...I kept all of the voicemails you've ever left me. When we fell out, I listened to them. Sometimes I smiled and laughed as I listened and other times listening to them made me sad. After our spat, I didn't think I'd ever talk you again. I just knew you hated me. But you don't. After weeks of no speaking, you made contact. I was shocked. You've missed me...maybe as much as I've missed you...maybe more. I laughed out loud. My heart beat rapidly in my chest and I felt a great weight lift. I immediately remembered that I'd I thrown your shirt in the garbage. I also deleted all your numbers (so I wouldn't weaken and call you). I kept your pictures though. I want to see you. I know you said we need to take baby steps, but baby, I would step off the end of the earth if I could just see your smile again.

I miss you. I think Dante sent you. A long time ago I asked him to send me someone who he thought would make me happy. You make me happy...when you're not pissing me off. You know I'm spoiled and you refuse to cater to me. That's aggravating, but I know you're only doing it because you want to help me evolve. I dreamt about you last night. We were lying in your bed talking. Your finger was teasing my lips...do you still love my lips? I still love yours. We talked about Germany and New York. We talked about your divorce and mine. We talked about the time we made out on the giant birthday cake at the sculpture park. I can't drive past that place without thinking about you. I touch myself and think of you. You are the only person that appreciates the softness of my skin more than I do. I miss the way you say my name. I miss your laugh. I miss your serious face. I miss your friendship...I miss that most of all. Soon...I hope that we can get together soon. Maybe dinner or just go for a walk. I just want to be in your presence. Soon.

He gave me the shirt off his back...literally (Originally posted 8-19-05)

He showed up a few hours late and I was pissed. Our time was already short, but because of his tardiness, it was shorter still. My anger partially melted when I opened the door and saw him standing before me with unease knotting his shoulders and sadness etched into his face. He apologized over and over and over again. I played tough cookie and was mildly disinterested in his apologies or sorrow. I was callous but cordial when I invited him in...I wanted him to feel guilty as sin, but secretly, I was so happy to see him. I haven't seen him in almost a month I think. We stood facing each other. Me: stoically silent; him: fidgety and mournful. Since the only air conditioned room in my house is my bedroom, and since the rest of the house is 30 degrees hotter than satan's ass canal, I invited him to the boudoir.

We entered and again stood facing each other. He continued to apologize and took my hands in his, softly caressing my skin. At one point his voice broke and then the tough cookie crumbled. I hemmed and hawed as long as I could, I swear I did! I made him sweat a bit, but shamefully, I didn't last long. I smiled and told him I would forgive him...if he would forgive and forget my past transgressions. He didn't want to...but he did. With all that past we finally embraced.

Ohhhh it was sooo good, so right, so much better than nice...it was perfect. I put my ear to his chest and focused on the rhythm of his heart. At that moment it was beating for me. He held me forever...or so it seemed. Tired of standing, he led me to the bed and sat me on his lap. He hugged me so deep my breath stopped. He touched my lips with his, whispered apologies in my ear and continued to ask my forgiveness. I cannot refuse him. In that moment, I would have given him my spare kidney if he'd asked for it. Then we lay together on the bed and kissed, whispered and enjoyed what little time we had left before he had to go to the airport. I apologized for my past selfish and distant behavior and he forgave me. I nuzzled his neck in an attempt to inhale and forever capture his scent. Not satisfied, I asked if he would give me the shirt off of his back...and he commenced to removing his shirts. He offered both but I only took one...the undershirt; because it was closer to his skin. I inhaled deeply the scent of him. I love the way he smells. He smells like the middle of Spring, the first day of summer, soft June breezes, thunderstorms, the birds singing at dawn, that first spoonful of strawberry sorbet, the laughter of children, the waves lapping at the shore, my favorite jeans, freshly mown grass, the leaves changing colors in Autumn, the first time I recited a poem before a large crowd....he smells like all my many favorite things wrapped up in one aroma. I want to wake up to his scent, fall asleep to his scent, dream about his scent, wrap his scent around my shoulders-breathe-soul deep and never ever lose his scent.


He is getting to me, and I didn't think I could get got again. His smile melts me. He looks so innocent. But he ain't. He's a Scorpio. He studies Tantra and the Kama Sutra. He studies me too. Intently...so intently it makes me fidget and inquire about his thoughts. His answer varies but he usually says something like..."I'm thinking about how wonderful you are", "I'm thinking about how soft your skin is", "I'm thinking about how beautiful you are", etc. But I digress, I kissed his exposed flesh and paid reverence to his imperfect perfection. I was rewarded by his sharp intake of breath and his beautiful voice murmuring my name. He made it sound like a prayer. I enjoy our intimacy without sex. I love our mind sex. I cannot stop thinking about him. He makes me grin big foolish grins. He makes me want to skip and hum nonsense ditties. I feel like a school girl with her first crush, *giggles*

All too soon he had to leave. I missed him before we made it to the front door. I told him so and he didn't want to leave. He didn't leave...right away anyway. He was over a half hour late getting to the airport. After he finally left he called me from the car and we talked as he drove. He promised that we would see each other on Monday. That's an eternity away...but I can make it. He called me several times; his voice gentle each time. I told him he makes me want to be a good girl...as in discontinuing my playgirl ways. He told me there was a time when he thought I cared nothing for him, he thought he was just one of many...lowest man on the totem pole at that. I told him he was my number one draft pick...he didn't find that funny. I confided that I did care for him, deeply in fact. I told him that's one thing he'll never have to question. He caught me off guard when he asked what he should question then. I had to think for a moment. Should he question me? Do I want him to question me? Why would he question me? I emphatically answered that there is nothing in me he should question. He replied, "good". Our conversation ended when he reached the airport to retrieve his cousin. Yes, he was over a half hour late picking his cousin up. But he said it was worth it to spend time with me. I felt bad for his cousin but cheered for me. He called me a little while later to tell me he and his cousin were going to go out on the town and that he would talk to me again soon. Soon won't come soon enough. They're driving to Detroit in a few hours and I won't see him again until Monday. So tonight I will sleep in his shirt remembering how his skin felt against my lips, remembering the cadence of his voice as we conversed...inhaling deeply his scent that smells of all my many favorite things. He gave me the shirt off his back...next I'll ask for his heart.