Wednesday, June 1, 2011


I'm not very happy right now. Because I'm not very happy I've not been in the mood to blog or upload videos. My face has become my enemy due to the most awful acne I've had since I was in the 7th grade and well through high school. That picture is from a good face day (no foundation, concealer or photoshopping). Sometimes I don't want to leave my bed let alone the house. My fingers should be bloody from all the job applications I've filled out, my brain hurts due to constant stress and worry and my one comfort is keeping my nose deep in books. Oh, and watching mind numbing shit on television. I've nearly driven my children to mental breakdowns with the many lectures I subject them to about the importance of getting an education and becoming entrepreneurs and not work horses for some wage slave driver. Last hired first fired is no joke...especially when unemployment among black women 20 years and older is at 13.4% (roughly). 

Despite my stress and worries, I try to smile. I try to keep a PMA, but that shit doesn't always fly. I find myself throwing pity parties. My losses over the past two years are the confetti. My mother passed in 2009, I was in an awful car accident that cost me my car and job in 2010, I have horrid head/neck/back pains whenever the weather changes, my brother passed in 2010 and here it is a solid year after my car accident and I'm still unemployed and have yet to see justice done concerning the old bat who rammed me twice with her car. Yep, that's pity party confetti. 

After the party, I put a spin on things. I tell myself that I have just undergone what amounts to a physical/spiritual volcanic eruption. Although volcanoes destroy everything in their wake in a hellish fiery molten liquid fury...they also create new land masses. Beautiful black sand beaches have been created by volcanic eruptions. When all has been cooled and calmed down, life springs forth from "the ruin". This is what I tell myself because this is what I have seen on those nature shows on public television. I've also seen it in Encyclopedia Brittanica (back before Google and Wikipedia). I have even seen this in my own life.

I have been laid off 4 times in the past 10 years. I have struggled mightily. I have been rocked to my foundation, brought low, crushed. But somehow...I always bounce back. Granted, in the past, the bounce never took so long as this current upheaval. I suppose that's what's really bothering me. Wondering when this shit will be over and I'll be back on solid ground. It's hard to keep a PMA when you have two growing teens who need tons of food and clothing for their ever growing bodies. Let's not even talk about upcoming college tuition. Sometimes I feel fucked and PMA can't be spoon fed to hungry mouths. But I'm devolving again. This is supposed to be uplifting me.

I read something today that shined a light in my darkness...

"This month I choose to only see positive energy wherever I go. If a problem comes up, I repeatedly say: All is well. Everything is working out for my highest good. Out of this experience, only good will come. I am safe. By repeating this, I calm down and give the Universe time to fix the situation in the best possible way for all. My life is a joy!" - Louise L. Hay

And I want to know deep down in the primal parts of my soul that this is true. But sometimes I'm not so sure. But that's the pessimist in me right? I need to kill her so the optimistic realist can thrive...right? Yeah. Now I'm going to go don a billowy gossamer gown and flower garland and dance in a beautiful meadow. < end sarcasm >