Reinvention...?

I'm going through changes. As always...for a daughter of Oya. I've not been keeping my blog or youtube channel up to date...that will change very soon though. Lately, I am more into fashion, nail polish and makeup than I am into politrix and other "important" musings. I am blossoming into an entirely different creature during this third of my life. It feels different...and good *big smile*


I'm not sure how this journey will conclude, but I am certainly going to enjoy the process. Let the metamorphosis commence!

Divine Speech A.K.A. MDW NTR (Originally posted 4-19-06)

"I can't live simply because I was born, I want to live because I have a dream."

    What is your dream? Are you living or merely surviving? Are you greeting each day with a smile despite the challenges and revelling in the possibilities of triumph? Are you dreading the trials and sulking because your present life doesn't fit your ideal life?  If the latter sounds like you, you need to get your mind right. Going through the fire purifies you, trials and tribulations are springboards that propel you into glorious opportunities for growth. Change your attitude and you can change your life! Always remember that the universe is conspiring with YOUR energy to either bring your dreams to fruition or destroy them. You want change? Speak change into your life! Practice that Divine Speech A.K.A. MDW NTR. Make speaking your dreams into existence an everyday routine like brushing your teeth and washing your face. At night predetermine your tomorrow. Seek alignment with your Ori  (your higher self). You can do this! You don't need help from anyone outside yourself...you can do this on your own. You just have to decide...to do it. Wake up in the morning and say, "Something better than what I possess at this moment in life is now manifesting for my highest good". But don't just speak it...believe it. Know it. Live it. Feel it! Have an image in your head as you speak, feel and know that all of your dreams can and will come true! Mine did and still are. I trust that y'all can and will be happy, prosperous, strong, victorious, surronded by love and walking in light....If I think you can YOU SHOULD KNOW YOU CAN! I love all of y'all! Walk in peace, abundance, light and love. Bless up!

Today's Advice

Develop emotional diarrhea and let that shit GO! Just let it go! Emotional repression is poison to the body, mind and spirit. Don't believe me? Look around you. So many of us are walking wounded, nursing years old pain with insufficient mental compresses and bandages. Just let it go. Aren't you tired? Aren't you weary? Reach out! Why be afraid to need someone? Why be afraid to speak? Give voice to that pain and LET IT GO! It's 2009 soon to be 2010, cut the bullshit. It's time y'all....it's time.

Words are not enough

You ever been so full of joy that tears pricked your lashes and static electricity raced the length of your spine? Have words failed to capture the magnitude of your peace? You ever felt powerful enough to blast your spirit right out of its flesh cage and launch it into the ether? I'm feeling like that today. I'm feeling that words are not nearly enough to describe the sheer wonder and excitement I have for this day. Today feels magical and magnificent. I woke up tired but full of....something.

All I can think is how grateful I am, how thankful I am to be here breathing, being, seeing, doing. I am the hope of my ancestors! Mmm mmm mmm. It. Is. All. Good. Hell, it's all GREAT! Good things are coming my way. All kinds of things. Change is coming...and I'm ready. I don't care what it looks like...don't really care what it feels like, I AM READY! I want CHANGE! I don't want anything to be the same anymore. I am NOT afraid! Maferefun Oya, because the changes have already begun! That's Ogun racing through my blood and clearing a path. Shango is firing me up right now! Ahhh, life is soooooo good! I give thanks!  Maferefun Egungun! Maferefun Eshu! Maferefun Oya! Maferefun Obatala! Maferefun Ogun! Maferefun Sango! Maferefun Ori! Maferefun Olodumare!

Dante Thoughts Part IV...Opening to spirit (Originally posted on 12-18-05)

I feel so good today! I felt good yesterday too. I have put things into perspective and I am comfortable with all that transpired the week before last. My spirit is still deepening. I am still speaking to the soul of the universe...and now it is speaking back.



Monday, December 5th, Dante's spirit visited me. He came because I'd been calling to him. Every time my thoughts strayed to him, every time I said his name aloud, every time I lit a candle for him, every time I laughed at a memory of us together...I was calling out to him. And he answered me. Through sleep and dreams he came to me. The divine brought Dante and I together and spirit connects us. Our spirits will always be connected and as long as I live, Dante lives. That is comforting to me.



The dream I had about Dante made me happy and sad. It was hard for me dreaming that he was alive and well and then waking to his scent and the feel of him near me but knowing that he is gone from this plane of existence. I cried the entire day after I woke from that dream. I cried for the loss of him, I cried for the scent of him and I cried for the feel of him. I kept thinking that he was going to walk into the room and hug me. I kept expecting the phone to ring with his voice on the other end. It was a hard day for me. But I learned something about him and myself that day. I learned that our love is FOREVER. What we have has crossed from one plane of existence to another. I know that I must let go of the bitterness I feel towards his transition. He is always with me, has always been with me and will always be with me. I have but to whisper his name and he is even closer. He loves me still. He loves me so much that when I call on him he visits my dreams. How many can boast that kind of love?



So today I am at peace. I have been smiling and laughing all day. I am again a ray of light. Sometimes it's hard for me to understand why things happen when they do and how they do...but with time, it is always revealed to me. I am grateful for Dante's visitation. It does my heart and soul good to know that he is still thinking of me, loving me and longing to be near me. It comforts me knowing that he will come to me when I call out to him. That's real love...spiritual love...love that goes soul deep and beyond.

A tribute

You are my soulmate...always will be

Because of you I know my worth...because of you others will know my worth

You set the standard for which all will be measured

Your eyes twinkled with intelligence and mercy

Your voice soft but firm

You spoke psalms and poetry

You were and continue to be still water that runs deep

You are no less than spectacular, miraculous, my Alpha/Omega love

I am blessed to have you in the community of my ancestors/egun

You are still loved, still highly regarded, missed by many and forgotten by none

You have changed many lives...you continue to change mine

Thank you Dante

Loving you always,

Nicole

Ase-o!

I Am Becoming (Originally posted 12-16-05)

I'm not yet ready for "Him" because I'm still discovering me. How successful "He" and I will be depends on how well I know me. So I am not looking and I am not holding my breath. I am breathing...deeply. With each exhalation my fears disappear. I am being prepared. I am discovering, cultivating and loving me. I am evolving.



I am becoming

I can feel myself evolving, transitioning, changing

I am not whom I was when I woke up this morning

I can feel the deepening of my soul

I can sense the density of my spirit

I am becoming

I am an ever changing work in progress

Sometimes I regress but such is life

I think more, feel more, overstand more

I am learning to speak to the soul of the universe

I am discovering myself

I am learning to love myself, overstand myself, command myself, accept myself, forgive myself

I am becoming

I am experiencing my awakening

I am learning to accept without expectations

I am building

I am connecting and enjoying being connected

I am overcoming obstacles, forgiving those that have harmed me, blessing instead of cursing

I am becoming

I have peace

At night I can sleep

I am taming my carnal nature and embracing my instincts

I am heeding spirit, conquering fear and channeling harmony

I am loving, living, growing, bestowing upon others the gifts endowed to me by the Creator

I am becoming

I am humble

I am proud

I am learning to be still and discovering the value in silence

I am relinquishing my selfishness, diminishing my ego, increasing my patience

I am becoming

I apologize (Originally posted on 11-14-05)

I apologize for mistreating you and being inconsiderate of your feelings. I apologize for not listening to you and going against your advice when I knew you were right. I apologize for knowing your worth but ignoring it. I apologize for putting you through unnecessary bullshit time and time again. I apologize for making you cry. I apologize for isolating you when what you really needed was the comfort of others. I apologize for disrespecting you repeatedly. I apologize for ridiculing you. I apologize for trying to destroy your spirit. I apologize for not honoring you. I apologize for being impatient. I apologize Nicole, for not loving you as much as you need, as hard as you need, as deep as you need as often as you need. I apologize Nicole, for allowing others to mistreat you, defeat you, use you, make a fool of you. I apologize Nicole, for not saying what needed to be said when it needed to be said. I apologize for not doing what needed to be done when it needed doing. I apologize for it all and I promise you that from here on out...things will be different. I love you Nicole.

Sometimes in order to move on, in order to facilitate healing, in order to forgive ourselves....we need to apologize to ourselves. We need to remember to love and honor ourselves. We need to recognize the divine in ourselves. We need to fall in love with ourselves at the crack of each dawn and love ourselves well past dusk. We need to recognize our own worth and never forget it. Love yourself today. Love yourself every day like that day is going to be the last day.

My Bornday Reflections (Originally posted 9-7-05)

As borndays go...it sucked I guess. I mean I was stood up by three people, only two people from my family called me (one was my mother because it was her birthday too) and only one of my so-called friends called me. Suffice it to say, I was upset. In retrospect, I guess there's so much going on in the world right now...who really cares about my bornday. I mean, in the grand scheme of things, me being alive one more year doesn't really matter to anyone but me, my children and my mother. Unless of course, I commit a heinous crime or make a startling contribution to society. The highlight of my bornday was when my Sun and daughter strung up banners throughout the house while I was in my room napping. When I awoke I was quite surprised and touched to see the messages of love and appreciation hanging on walls and from the arches of doorways. What wonderful, considerate, kind, creative, industrious little people I am producing. On this day when no one else bothered or remembered to extend a kind word my way...they did. They are all that really matter. Not having a roomful of friends and family share in the celebration of my making it through another year or even receiving gifts that I'd probably hate anyway. My Sun and daughter are my legacy...the only pieces of me that will remain when my body gives out and my spirit transitions. They are the greatest gifts I could ever receive from and give to the universe. I pledge to ensure that my seeds are free and strong in mind and spirit. They are the reason for my bornday. The only reason. It was a great bornday after all.

Oh, and I've decided that once I have 2-3 inches of new growth I'm shearing the tresses and I'm changing my name. It is time to shed the last vestiges of my mental enslavement. I am tired of physically endorsing eurocentric beauty standards. I am tired of this european name. I am tired of destroying my African hair with poisonous chemicals. I am tired of denying my Afrikanity in favor of eurocentricity. By God, I aim to be free of those that oppress me and my people. White is not right. Black is not evil. Straight hair is not good hair. Khadijah is not a ghetto name. I'm gonna be nappy and happy. Don't call me black either. There is no country called black. There is no language called black. I did not descend from blacks...I am descended of AFRICANS. Slave and free, those that walked on African soil and those that soaked the ground of ameriKKKa with their blood and sweat. I am the dream realized. I embody Marcus Garvey's hopes, I epitomize Kwame Ture's fire, I am that which Huey and Bobby fought for. Through me Patrice, Assata, Haile, Fred, Sojourner, Harriet, Nzinga, Shaka, Imhotep, etc will live. I am the dream realized. Fuck you self-hatred!

Shrines, dreams & things (Originally posted 7-29-05)

The above image is the Adinkra symbol for Sankofa which means: "return and go get it"

I erected my ancestral shrine on Monday, July 25th. My sleep has been peaceful ever since. Coincidence? I don't believe in coincidence. Two nights after the shrine had been completed, I had the most incredibly realistic dream about my first soul mate.

In fact, the dream was sooo real, that when I woke up, I expected to see him lying next to me smiling. I was kind of sad when I woke up alone. I mean I know that I will always carry a part of him with me, I know that whenever I want to commune with his spirit I can approach the shrine but....it isn't the same. At any rate, even though he is not one of my ancestors, I revere him on my shrine because he was such an important figure in my life. He passed away back in February 2001. I don't remember too many details about the dream but I do know that we were riding bikes downtown Chicago and laughing and talking. When he was alive we spent a lot of time exploring the city together and just talking. He was an incredible person. I miss him so much that at times it's unbearable. I compare every man I date to him. Not in an unfair way or anything like that, just in a; "DE" was the definition of a man, is this dude a real man kinda way. Because of "DE" I know what I deserve, I know how I should be treated, I know what to accept or deny. Because of the dream, I made sure that I spent some time with him at the shrine before I left for work that morning. I told him I missed him terribly and that any time he wanted to visit me, whether I was awake or sleeping, he was more than welcome. I had that dream Wednesday, July 27. I've not dreamed of him again so far. My next plan of action is to erect my shrine to the Orishas/Lwas. I have no idea where I'm going to put it though, there isn't enough room in my bedroom and it's supposed to be someplace private. I'm sure most of the folks who will read this will have no idea what I'm talking about.

Good Morning! (Originally posted 7-19-05)

I feel great this morning! I slept pretty well, had good dreams and upon awakening I had my ancestors on my mind. I will most definitely be creating my ancestral shrine by weeks end. Though this is my first time mentioning it, building an ancestral shrine is very important to me. More often than not, I have found myself feeling disconnected spiritually (especially since renouncing christianity). I am certain that connecting with my ancestors and allowing them to guide me will bring me some much needed clarity and peace.

Today is going to be a great day...I can feel it.