Destroy/Create

I'm not very happy right now. Because I'm not very happy I've not been in the mood to blog or upload videos. My face has become my enemy due to the most awful acne I've had since I was in the 7th grade and well through high school. That picture is from a good face day (no foundation, concealer or photoshopping). Sometimes I don't want to leave my bed let alone the house. My fingers should be bloody from all the job applications I've filled out, my brain hurts due to constant stress and worry and my one comfort is keeping my nose deep in books. Oh, and watching mind numbing shit on television. I've nearly driven my children to mental breakdowns with the many lectures I subject them to about the importance of getting an education and becoming entrepreneurs and not work horses for some wage slave driver. Last hired first fired is no joke...especially when unemployment among black women 20 years and older is at 13.4% (roughly). 

Despite my stress and worries, I try to smile. I try to keep a PMA, but that shit doesn't always fly. I find myself throwing pity parties. My losses over the past two years are the confetti. My mother passed in 2009, I was in an awful car accident that cost me my car and job in 2010, I have horrid head/neck/back pains whenever the weather changes, my brother passed in 2010 and here it is a solid year after my car accident and I'm still unemployed and have yet to see justice done concerning the old bat who rammed me twice with her car. Yep, that's pity party confetti. 


After the party, I put a spin on things. I tell myself that I have just undergone what amounts to a physical/spiritual volcanic eruption. Although volcanoes destroy everything in their wake in a hellish fiery molten liquid fury...they also create new land masses. Beautiful black sand beaches have been created by volcanic eruptions. When all has been cooled and calmed down, life springs forth from "the ruin". This is what I tell myself because this is what I have seen on those nature shows on public television. I've also seen it in Encyclopedia Brittanica (back before Google and Wikipedia). I have even seen this in my own life.

I have been laid off 4 times in the past 10 years. I have struggled mightily. I have been rocked to my foundation, brought low, crushed. But somehow...I always bounce back. Granted, in the past, the bounce never took so long as this current upheaval. I suppose that's what's really bothering me. Wondering when this shit will be over and I'll be back on solid ground. It's hard to keep a PMA when you have two growing teens who need tons of food and clothing for their ever growing bodies. Let's not even talk about upcoming college tuition. Sometimes I feel fucked and PMA can't be spoon fed to hungry mouths. But I'm devolving again. This is supposed to be uplifting me.


I read something today that shined a light in my darkness...

"This month I choose to only see positive energy wherever I go. If a problem comes up, I repeatedly say: All is well. Everything is working out for my highest good. Out of this experience, only good will come. I am safe. By repeating this, I calm down and give the Universe time to fix the situation in the best possible way for all. My life is a joy!" - Louise L. Hay

And I want to know deep down in the primal parts of my soul that this is true. But sometimes I'm not so sure. But that's the pessimist in me right? I need to kill her so the optimistic realist can thrive...right? Yeah. Now I'm going to go don a billowy gossamer gown and flower garland and dance in a beautiful meadow. < end sarcasm >

Sorting it all out and putting the pieces back together

Hi.


Things have been...rough. My brother Bryan passed away Wednesday, October 6, 2010. My emotions have been on a roller coaster ride. So much has happened in so little time. I was in a terrible car accident in May, lost my job in June, lost my mother last December, my younger sister has declared war on the entire family and my Sun is losing his ever loving mind. But...I'm okay. I cry, I pray and I carry on. I'm learning how to smile and laugh again. I'm learning how to find joy again. Slowly but surely, I am. I miss my mother and my brother. Sometimes I find it hard to believe that they are gone from this plane of existence. I'm still grieving but I'm also celebrating their lives. I didn't always agree with how my mother and brother lived their lives, but I now realize that they lived life on their own terms. They did things their way. There's much I can learn from them and the way they lived. I am so very glad for the time I had with them. I am so very glad that they are now past all of their pain and suffering. I still miss them...I will miss them for a very long time to come. But as long as I live...they live too. Rest in Power Judith McGee 9-6-56 to 12-7-09. Rest in Power Bryan Keith Roger McGee 9-9-84 to 10-6-10.

I have an appetite...do you?

 

“A man begins cutting his wisdom teeth the first time he bites off more than he can chew.” ~ Herb Caen.

Suffice it to say that this month, I have eaten, become full and gone back for seconds. And I can handle it...no problem. You can too!

Oh September...

Dearest fair maidens, dashing divas and glamorous gals,




This won't be a long post, it's more of an update than anything. My bornday (which I share with my mother) was  September 6th. It was kind of difficult for me because my mother passed away December of 2009. This was the first bornday without her and I have to say, the weeks leading up to our bornday found me crying more often than not. I miss her physical presence terribly. September 7th was my daughter's sweet 16th bornday...yes, I have a 16 year old daughter (and a 15 year old Sun). Despite my emotional state, she had a great day :-)

My best friend in the whole wide world (who just happens to be my ex-boyfriend) helped me, my Sun and my daughter celebrate our borndays. He took us to dinner, had a custom made cake for us, and bought us all very special gifts perfectly suited to our tastes. He has made this the best bornday ever for me, truly he has. I am very blessed and fortunate to have him in my universe because he is just the most wonderful, kindest, most generous and special man I have ever known.

On a sad note, yesterday was my brother Bryan's 26th bornday and he had a stroke in the early morning hours. This is perhaps his 4th or 5th stroke in the past 3 years I believe. He's paralyzed on the right side of his body and cannot speak. I ask that if you are a praying person that you please keep him in yours.


Due to all that's going on right now, I'm afraid I must suspend the give away I had planned for this month. I'm sure you'll all understand. I'm not sure when I'll post again so please bear with me.

Thanks for understanding and thanks in advanced for keeping my brother Bryan in your prayers.

Been a while...

I must admit, I am not at my best
Since my mentality is overrun with negativity, that's what I manifest
Yes, I confess, I'm a hot ass mess
I'm tired, unhealthy and breaking down from stress

Blah
That was wack
But it's my truth

I just want to be very still and quiet until this hard time passes
I miss my mother
I'm dissatisfied with my job
My children are driving me nuts
I'm pms'ing
And there's more bills than money to pay them

But I'm okay
I have been waking up every day
I can see
Hear
Walk
Talk
And my car still does what it's supposed to

I'm blessed
I am
But I'm also very tired


I've been having very bad headaches and chest pains
I keep most of that news to myself because there's little anyone can do to stop it
I'm not in the best of moods right now
Not in the best head space
That's why I've just been keeping to myself mostly

This is temporary...just like everything else
That is all

Play List

Try a Little Tenderness - Otis Redding
Put That Woman First - Jaheim
Take Care of Home - Dave Hollister
You Are the Best Thing - Ray Lamontagne




I wonder if these men really put action behind the words they wrote/sang? I love these songs...they're on my dream man play list. There are other songs on the play list, but these are the songs that came to mind just now. One of these days the dream will become reality. Until then...I have the songs. And chocolate. And a vibrator.

8 of 30

I recently accepted a challenge created by one of my twitter friends called 30 in 30. The idea is to write/post a new poem every day for 30 days. This promises to be very interesting for me seeing as how I've been going through some personal struggles as of late. At any rate, here's my eighth offering...



Mood Swing


Occular condensation threatening to fall
Stinging the rim, ruining the kohl liner
Fingers tremble
Phrases dance dizzily along the synapses
Firing
Misfiring
Misaligned
Malignant emotions pouring forth from her subtle spirit
Deeper than oceans
Same sad song sung by pouting ruby lips
Tipping hats to cats that feel most comfortable on hot tin roofs
She's proof that loyalty goes unrewarded
Lavender happy-go-lucky to moody blue could have been avoided
Joy skipped away hand-in-hand with peace and now...
Dis-ease runs amuck
What the fuck?
Switch it up


There will be no more raining on this here parade
Take your tired, wish I wish I wish making ass to those who like playing charades
I'm made of something you can't even handle
I'm a solar storm and you're a fucking candle
Your wick is burning out and so is my patience
Do better or be gone
I'm done

5 of 30

I recently accepted a challenge created by one of my twitter friends called 30 in 30. The idea is to write/post a new poem every day for 30 days. This promises to be very interesting for me seeing as how I've been going through some personal struggles as of late. At any rate, here's my fifth offering...


Pardon me while I panic


I'm afraid of losing your scent forever
Already I am having a hard time remembering things about you
Things you told me...the sound of your voice
I don't want to lose the images and sounds of you throwing your head back and lauhging boisterously
I so miss your arms around me
I miss your smile and your "don't bullshit me" look
I miss our Thusday night dinners
And you complaining about your job
I miss your long fingers gripping cards during bid whist games
I even miss your drunken rants on wholeliedays
You will miss Courtney and Kari's high school and college graduations
You will miss your great-grandchildren
You will miss all five of your children being together in one room
And I'm panicking
Because we are not on a break
I cannot hop in my car and drive 20 minutes to see you
You will not be telling me you love me and calling me your birthday present
I will celebrate our birthday alone
Pardon me while I panic
I can't accept that you're gone

4 of 30

I recently accepted a challenge created by one of my twitter friends called 30 in 30. The idea is to write/post a new poem every day for 30 days. This promises to be very interesting for me seeing as how I've been going through some personal struggles as of late. At any rate, here's my fourth offering...

Once upon a time

You spoke poetry and prose to me

You wove a treasure trove of stories for me

You sang me songs and took me along when you dreamt your dreams

You were mystical and magical

You made me believe we could have something fantastical

But the frog remained a frog after my figurative kiss

The poison apple left the bitterest taste on my lips

Your words became null and void

Promises broken

Attention divided

I can no longer confide in you

I left you a breadcrumb trail to my heart but still...you lost your way

I have tried to meet you more than half way, but you resist

I insist and you flee

How silly of me

End of story

1 of 30

I recently accepted a challenge created by one of my twitter friends called 30 in 30. The idea is to write/post a new poem every day for 30 days. This promises to be very interesting for me seeing as how I've been going through some personal struggles as of late. At any rate, here's my first offering...

Gone

I really need you

My head and heart are hurting

I can't stop hurting

Grasping hands let go

Warm eyes suddenly go cold

Love lives here no more

Something is wrong with me (Originally posted 2-7-06)

I mean just really wrong. Today I went from feeling nothing at all to feeling enraged...all in 0-10 seconds. That is not normal. Over the past few weeks I have felt no sadness, not much anger (except when I was stuck in traffic or speaking to my ex-husband), not much joy (though I was in pretty good spirits or at least I put on an act so good I fooled everyone, myself included)....just not feeling much of anything. I've not really been in the mood to write, haven't really put forth any effort to communicate with anyone...I kinda feel like a zombie. I've just been walking around doing what needs to be done but not really enjoying any of it. I've not had many complaints other than being horny and not wanting to fuck anyone from my past nor put effort into meeting someone new.

Is this what depression feels like? Am I depressed? I don't feel depressed. I'm not having thoughts of death or suicide. I am bored out of my mind and thinking there has to be more to life than this humdrum though. 10 minutes ago I was so angry I wanted to just go out and fuck somebody up with my aluminum Louisville Slugger. No one in particular, just whomever happened to cross my path. But as quickly as the impulse was born, so it expired. Yeah, something is really wrong with me. My creative drive is gone. I feel like everything I've written thus far has been a fluke. That pisses me off. I am fucking frustrated. I have lost my voice. See, there I go again with the anger. Sometimes I feel like I'm in one of those hamster/gerbil/guinea pig wheels....just going round and round and round but  not really going any-fucking-where. Add that annoying ass squeaking noise to the equation. That is my conundrum.

I have no idea what transpired in my life over the past two months to drive me to this place. I've tried to reflect but I'm sorely lacking the patience to do so. Even writing this entry is taxing my patience. I am slipping in and out of anger....and it's all because I cannot pinpoint the cause of my distress. Maybe I'm crazy. Yeah, I’ve lost my natural mind. Someone call the men with the white coat so they can lock my cuckoo ass up in a padded white room. I read somewhere that crazy people don’t doubt their sanity. Does that mean I’m perfectly sane, because I doubt the hell out of my sanity sometimes. 

It just occurred to me that I have lost more friends in the past 6 months than I’ve made over the past 2 years. Isn’t that something? I’ve lost them because I’ve either said some out of pocket shit to them or because I’ve been negligent about keeping in touch with them. I’m bad at nurturing relationships. I fear commitment (any type of commitment) like virgin gay boys fear the general population at a maximum security prison. Their assholes and my heart could be potentially ripped apart. Now that’s a color metaphor for that ass, lol. I’m spent now. I’ve been writing this blog for the past 4 hours and all I have is 3 measly paragraphs. Now is the time for mental diarrhea…too bad I’m constipated.

I stopped writing....

Because words weren't enough.
They couldn't capture my aches, pains, joys, triumphs.
I thought my tears, screams and laughter were enough.
But they weren't.
I stopped writing.
Because I thought my words had fled.
I thought all the consonants, verbs, syllables and similes were lying dead inside of me.
Try as I might...I just could not write.
Each attempt to scribe my angels and demons felt like a chore...no pleasure to be found.
So I stopped writing.
And when I stopped writing, my voice locked up.
I suffocated my dreams, silenced everything in me that reached and strived.
When I stopped writing...I didn't even feel alive.
And I choked on everything that I imprisoned inside of me.
Thoughts bled into oblivion.
Ideas gestated but were stillborn.
All because...
I
Stopped
Writing

But today I will type it out.
I will resume exhuming these figurative bones with my pen until once again...
I start writing.
And this time...
I won't stop.
I won't ever stop writing again.

He pretends... (Originally posted 12-19-05)

He pretends he doesn't love me but I know he does. I see right through his charade. He thinks about me so much he can't stand it. He says to me, "you make me sick, I can't stop thinking about you, I don't want you in my head." But in his head I remain. I gave him something other women couldn't: unconditional love. Or perhaps that's my ego speaking? He's a selfish bastard. He's judgmental, egotistical, self-absorbed, spoiled...so much like me. That's why we get along so well. I make him laugh. I make him feel like a man. But I also remind him that he's not nearly man enough. For that he despises me. He loves me and hates me. I find that amusing.

When I was lonely and needed a hug he came to me. It was almost 3 in the morning. I told him that sex was out of the question. Head, even more out of the question. I just needed to be held. He sounded disappointed but was still willing to come and hold me. I asked him if he'd ever had intimacy without sex. He said he'd had intimacy that led to sex. I found that amusing too. He is the only man that I have ever slept with on the first date. I swear I had no intention of doing that, I swear that on everything....but it happened. Here's how it happened......

Our first "date" was almost  a year ago. The late afternoon saw us at ESPN Zone downtown (Chicago). It was a bitterly cold day and The Hawk was screaming around buildings, tearing at our jackets, faces and hands. As we walked he kept his arms around me. He also made sure he walked on the outside...always. Such the perfect gentleman. He smelled HEAVENLY. He looked like 20,000 tons of temptation packed into a 5 foot 11 inch, 179 pound chocolate demi god's frame. Just...yummy. We got our table, ordered our refreshments and proceeded to watch the Colts rip some other team apart. How I love Peyton Manning. He is scientific with it. But I digress. During the course of the game I had 2 double Amaretto Stone Sours. They were horribly watered down so I didn't get buzzed...or did I? Perhaps that contributed to my loose behavior?

The details are kinda fuzzy here...I'm pretty sure he suggested that we go back to his place and watch another game. Since I was in no hurry to leave his presence, I agreed. We went back to his place and got comfy on the couch and that's when the Itis started to set in and I grew drowsy. I recall lying across his lap and I may even have dosed off. He has a huge, comfy, ultrasuede sectional sofa. He stroked my neck. God, his hand felt so good. Me on him, him stroking me, us on that couch, slightly dim lights, very warm...it felt slightly...cocoon-ish. Somehow, despite my semi-coma I became conscious enough to know that I needed to leave. The temptation that I'd felt earlier was back and pounding on my nerve endings, screeching in my loins and tweaking my nipples...something was going to jump off if I didn't dash through that door and quickly. So I jumped to my feet, startling him and stammering out excuses about it being late and me being tired. I needed to leave.

He looked disappointed but didn't try to dissuade me. I shrugged into my jacket as he walked out of the living room. I thought it odd that he wasn't going to walk me to the door but oh well. As I was about to make my way to the door he returned to the room with his hands behind his back and a smile decorating his beautiful lips. Damn, why must he look so good, I thought to myself. He told me he had a surprise for me. I had to close my eyes and touch one of his hands. Whichever hand I touched contained my surprise so I needed to choose wisely. This was fun. I picked the left and he gave me Mos Def's latest cd. From our many talks, he knew I'd been wanting it and I thought it sweet that he remembered. In the hand I hadn't chosen was Talib Qweli's latest. Awwww shucks. I still picked a good one though. I was so pleased that I threw my arms around him and hugged him tightly. Why did I kiss him on the cheek? That scent, that hard body, that warmth....seduction at its finest. We looked into one another's eyes...I know it sounds cliche, but we did. I was enraptured...he was too. We couldn't look away and our lips  couldn't stay away. They met and from there it was over for me.........


He kept me up and going ALL NIGHT LONG...like that Mary Jane Girls song. Every time I tried to leave he'd pull me back for more. I didn't leave until late the next afternoon...even then he was hesitant to let me go. I didn't want to leave but I knew I should. And I did. From that day forward though, we were almost inseparable.







I've aroused myself by stirring up this pot of memories. I wonder if he'd come tonight if I called him? Probably not. He's vowed not to have sex with me ever again. He says I'm too distracting and it takes too long for him to recover. Truth is, he just can't handle me. Aside from all that...we're just friends. For now.

What happened?

That's the question I keep asking myself..."what happened?"

Because something did happen. Something, a big-giant-ominous something came and sat its fat ass right on top of me and squashed me like a bug. It has me feeling some kinda way. Got me second guessing myself. Got me feeling insecure, resentful...fatalistic even. I'm still trying to figure out where it came from...how it all started. I hate this shit. But at the same time...I needed this. See, I have written my best work when I have been mired in misery. Not that I'm miserable right now...I just feel some kind way. I don't know, maybe it's because I haven't seen the sun in days and because I'm still getting over the last vestiges of this terrible cold. Perhaps it's due to the guilt trip my mother tried to levy upon me. But really, it's something I can't quite put my finger on yet. I have the distinct feeling that my life is about to implode. I'm afraid. I prayed about it this morning. I called on everyone...Eshu, Oya, Oshun, Ogun, Obatala, my Egun and Ori. I am so going to need them all very soon. My fingers are trembling as I type this.

Switching tracks....

I got my Blackberry Tour yesterday. It's so totally awesome! I wish it were awesome enough to ease this anxiety. Rats. Can't stop going back to that. I need a hug...and some kisses. And some back strokes and someone murmuring in my ear that everything is going to be okay. "You'll make it through whatever is coming...I know you will because you always do". "I'm here for you if you need me...though I know you're going to be just fine". "Don't worry, I got you". That's what I need right now. But I won't get it. And even though I won't get it...I'll still be just fine. I always am. I've been on my own for a very long time.

Back to "Mr. Wonderful" (Originally posted 9-22-05)

For Real though, you are The Sweetest Thing I've ever known. I never should have gone off on you. I apologize. I was being selfish and impatient and inconsiderate. I acted impulsively. I know. I banished you but I wanted the exact opposite. I crave your presence...I mean truly crave it. When you're around, I breathe you. I'm addicted to you. I don't need to touch you...being able to absorb you with my eyes is enough. But touching you...touching you is exquisite; like a divine visit on each and every one of my ten digits. You make me hungry.

This may sound strange but...I kept all of the voicemails you've ever left me. When we fell out, I listened to them. Sometimes I smiled and laughed as I listened and other times listening to them made me sad. After our spat, I didn't think I'd ever talk you again. I just knew you hated me. But you don't. After weeks of no speaking, you made contact. I was shocked. You've missed me...maybe as much as I've missed you...maybe more. I laughed out loud. My heart beat rapidly in my chest and I felt a great weight lift. I immediately remembered that I'd I thrown your shirt in the garbage. I also deleted all your numbers (so I wouldn't weaken and call you). I kept your pictures though. I want to see you. I know you said we need to take baby steps, but baby, I would step off the end of the earth if I could just see your smile again.

I miss you. I think Dante sent you. A long time ago I asked him to send me someone who he thought would make me happy. You make me happy...when you're not pissing me off. You know I'm spoiled and you refuse to cater to me. That's aggravating, but I know you're only doing it because you want to help me evolve. I dreamt about you last night. We were lying in your bed talking. Your finger was teasing my lips...do you still love my lips? I still love yours. We talked about Germany and New York. We talked about your divorce and mine. We talked about the time we made out on the giant birthday cake at the sculpture park. I can't drive past that place without thinking about you. I touch myself and think of you. You are the only person that appreciates the softness of my skin more than I do. I miss the way you say my name. I miss your laugh. I miss your serious face. I miss your friendship...I miss that most of all. Soon...I hope that we can get together soon. Maybe dinner or just go for a walk. I just want to be in your presence. Soon.

Did I miss something? (Originally posted 8-22-05)

I received one phone call from him this weekend (Saturday night) and we spoke for two minutes. He said he would call me back but he never did. Did I miss something? Am I reading too much into this? Now there have been other questionable moments but I ignored them because I just didn't give a shit then. I mean, I had other things going on with other people so I wasn't concerned about his inconsistent behavior. But things are different now. Is this payback? I mean, now that I've decided to make an emotional investment is shit gonna blow up in my face? Now I didn't just decided Thursday to invest, it's actually been an ongoing process, but Thursday was the catalyst. This is what I was afraid of...the not knowing part. This makes me want to leave him a voicemail saying never speak to me again. Afterwards I'll delete and block his numbers and pretend he never existed. That's the coward in me. That's why I keep all my relationships shallow...can't get hurt if you don't care. Anyway, I don't think I'm going to see him today. I figure if we were to see each other, he'd have made contact by now. I'm sliding back into my fuck 'em mode (it doesn't take much). If he calls I'm not going to answer the phone. As a matter of fact, I'm just gonna go out with someone else. Fuck 'em. It's not like he's my man.

In other news...I had a conversation with my ex-husband today. It was a good conversation. We didn't argue or get mad at each other...we had a nice civilized conversation. He knows me better than anyone else on earth. He says I'm too cold, distant and unforgiving. I agreed with him. He also said that when I'm nice I'm too nice. Again, I concurred. He told me I should stop playing games and settle down. I didn't agree with that. I don't play games I just keep my options open. He remarried and had a new baby and I think that's good for him...but I'm not sure I want to remarry. I mean most marriages fail anyway. What's the point? Ultimately I'd like to have an exclusive companion but I'm not sure if that's in the cards.

Other than "Mr. Wonderful" being shady, I had a great weekend. I got to relax, see a bunch of movies, eat some good food, chill with some cool people, have my ego stroked and I found two cute pieces for my Autumn collection. Also, I'm almost finished with Nile Valley Contributions to Civilization...this book is extraordinary! I'll Mos Def reread it. That's all for now.

Nothing Special (Denial) (Originally posted July 9, 2005)

You are nothing special
Though my heart races at the thought of you...
Though being in close proximity to you makes me weak...
You are nothing special
I am simultaneously attracted and repelled by you
Your voice pacifies me but your mild contempt for my views alienates me, riles me and inspires in me the need to debate until I'm blue in the face
But...you are nothing special
Though thoughts of you keep sleep at bay during the long nights...
Though we can speak on nothing at all for hours on end...
You are nothing special
Remembrances of you and how you touched me mind, body and spirit eradicate all others from my subconscious
You have seduced me senseless with your intellect...your very presence leaves me breathless
Still...
You are nothing special
I slept with my nose pressed into the sheets we fucked upon for two nights after your departure
The mattress was soaked through with our sweat
Our perspiration commingled with your cologne, my perfume and the musky funk of spilled cum made drifting off to sleep and dreams of you oh so sweet...
And yet, I continue to make claims that...
You are nothing special

More Random Ramblings (Originally posted July 6, 2005)

His chocolate skin
His tight eyes
His smile...it's like the sunrise
His divine body
His emphatic mind
His laugh...it helps me unwind
Damn I miss him





Resignation. Not a sailboat but a speedboat. Heading into the harbor from the hostile open sea.




Sometimes I am so easily discouraged. I hate that. I hate that I allow people to darken my doorstep with their troubles, insecurities and confusion. I've come too far to turn back yet I'm nowhere near the finish line. I don't want to give up but I know I'm gonna come in dead last. A consolation prize just won't do. I don't want a participant's ribbon, I want the trophy of champions. I'm racing so hard that I'm out of breath and I don't know if I can take another step. I've been left behind so many times I don't even know if I can find my way anymore. Not sure I want to do this anymore. I'm too far behind to even the score, every major muscle is sore, I am fatigued to the very core of my being. Seeing as how I have purged every resource available to me what options have I? Lay down and die? Collapse and cry? Keep running? But why? I tried to pursue the prize, tracked its progress with my eyes and ran until blue turned black skies. Running but not moving....stuck in place. Until the race.....is over.



Yeah very random and all over the place. Today I did nothing at all and that was just fine by me. I've been working late every night for the past 3 weeks and I am beyond tired. On Monday, July 25 my girl gave her two weeks notice. I was sad for me but happy for her. Her new position with a new company will afford her way more opportunity for growth. We discussed the possibility of me succeeding her in her current position but that's one promotion I'll gladly pass on. Too much work, too little pay and too much of a headache. People have problems. That is the revelation of the day. I have problems too, don't get me wrong, but I can admit my shit. I may have made a mistake last night. In the moment it seemed right and good but right now, I'm starting to feel remorseful. Oh well, I can't take it back now. I've felt the strong urge to write all day but because I'm a procrastinator and my thought patterns tend to be rather erratic, I'm just now getting around to it. I was just listening to Supa Love by Jean Grae (my favorite female MC and one of my top favorite songs). If you haven't heard that song you need to hear it. It's about love of course, that elusive stranger. In a conversation with a friend I depicted love as a sinister stalker endeavoring to lead its victims down dark escape-less alleys, where once cornered, the victim shall then be bashed in the skull and then left for dead. I know that's probably an unhealthy and abnormal way to look at love but I've been assaulted one time too many. Funny though, I was just having a chatversation with Tammy earlier today about how I was ready to give myself permission to fall in love. What a difference a few hours make. Now anyone who's well acquainted with me knows that tomorrow I'll be singing a different tune. I'm easily frustrated when I don't get my way in matters of the heart. Which brings me to a good question. How do we love? By that I mean with what part of our being do we love people? Do we love with our hearts, spirits or minds? Do we/should we love with all three? Perhaps we are supposed to love with all three but usually we don't. Perhaps love is incomplete until you can love with your heart, spirit and mind. That's what I'm thinking. Why is it so hard for some people to love? Is it fear? Lack of know how? I sure would like some answers, lol. But then, wouldn't we all? There are times when I can feel my heart shutting down. I feel my spirit becoming less and less receptive to its desire to connect with someone. I am so comfortable with my own company now that being with someone is no longer a deep desire. It would be nice to be with someone though because I have the sex drive of a pack of wild bitches in heat, lol. But sex should not be the primary reason for desiring a relationship. I know the tone of this blog is somewhat pessimistic but in truth, I remain hopeful that someday a man will enter my life with much fanfare and remind me how good reciprocal love truly is. Until then, I'll vent my frustrations so I don't become the dreaded BBW (bitter black woman).

I'm a fool...(Originally posted June 18, 2005)

So not only did I write this for "O", I also recited it at the open mic night I frequent. He was speechless when he finally heard it...


I'm sitting at my desk thinking about this love of mine/he's captured my heart and he stays on my mind/I wish I could find...a way to break free/he's mastering the art of enslaving me/too bad I can't develop some bravery....and just walk away/needless to say, I stay, his feelings are neither black or white....they're gray/he's unsure but I decided....I love him too much to try and hide it/I confided....in him, revealed my heart and spoke some words/he heard....but did he listen?/I hate when people don't pay attention/no wonder we women feel like we're in a competition....we compete with the agony of men's past failed relationships and emotional defeat/how can I convince him that I won't repeat.....the mistakes they made/why the hell is he so afraid?/didn't I prove I was different when I laid......my heart bare before him?/why must he he compare me to them?/I guess when you swim....with sharks often enough your exterior has to be tough/he needs to cut me some slack though because I've had enough/he’s playing tug-o-war with my affections/while he hides his from my detection/protection....from me is unnecessary/I know love can be scary....but scarier still is life lived in constant fear/I'm here.....so near he can reach out and touch me/I want to be his lifeline....when he feels like he's drowning he can reach out and clutch me/hell he doesn't have to pay all the time, he can go dutch with me/I have his back, I'll ride or die and be his RBG chick/I'll stick....with him through thick and thin/be there when he needs me again and again and again/his lover and his friend/his erection softener/I'll give it to him more often....than her.....and those and them/all the ones that didn't love him....the way he deserved/I've reserved....myself for him/though I could be with many others, my fire and desire rest in him/I'm my best with him....our vibe is so right....we can talk all night....not get any sleep...and still manage to be deep....I weep....at the thought of his lips on my shoulder blade/he is one of the most beautiful creatures God has ever made/his skin is as black as midnight skies/he induces my impassioned cries....when he thrusts his soul in between my thighs/his eyes....I could get lost in their depths.....but one more missed step, and he'll lose me forever/if he can't get it together I'll find someone better....

I have lost my faith...(Originally posted Friday, June 10, 2005)

In the inherent goodness of people, the power of love but most of all in my ability to remain unscathed by the wounds the universe unwittingly dispenses. All my life I have strived to be diplomatic, compassionate, open minded, resillient and forthright. I just can't do it anymore. I'm tired. Over the past few months I have purposely withdrawn myself from many of my circles...I find my own company to be a safe and welcome retreat from the confusion and selfishness that the human horde exhudes. The catalyst in my decision was my recent attempt to reconcile a relationship that was once of great importance to me. As it turns out, the party I once held in such high esteem sought only the solace of my familiarity and willingness to forgive and forget. For a moment I actually believed he cared about me, missed me and wanted to give it another go. That is afterall, what he claimed. But truth be told, he meant only to use me as the pain killer for the love/lust gone wrong ache. Amazing how some men will choose to frolick with court jesters when they can reign with Queens. But I guess such is life right? At any rate, my first mind was to curse him until I was blue in the face, but that would be a waste of my precious time, energy and emotions. Instead, I told him to seek help elsewhere because I am not the 1 the 2 the 3 the 4 or the 5. Suffice it to say I'm done with him mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually. I have nothing left to give.