Sorting it all out and putting the pieces back together

Hi.


Things have been...rough. My brother Bryan passed away Wednesday, October 6, 2010. My emotions have been on a roller coaster ride. So much has happened in so little time. I was in a terrible car accident in May, lost my job in June, lost my mother last December, my younger sister has declared war on the entire family and my Sun is losing his ever loving mind. But...I'm okay. I cry, I pray and I carry on. I'm learning how to smile and laugh again. I'm learning how to find joy again. Slowly but surely, I am. I miss my mother and my brother. Sometimes I find it hard to believe that they are gone from this plane of existence. I'm still grieving but I'm also celebrating their lives. I didn't always agree with how my mother and brother lived their lives, but I now realize that they lived life on their own terms. They did things their way. There's much I can learn from them and the way they lived. I am so very glad for the time I had with them. I am so very glad that they are now past all of their pain and suffering. I still miss them...I will miss them for a very long time to come. But as long as I live...they live too. Rest in Power Judith McGee 9-6-56 to 12-7-09. Rest in Power Bryan Keith Roger McGee 9-9-84 to 10-6-10.

5 of 30

I recently accepted a challenge created by one of my twitter friends called 30 in 30. The idea is to write/post a new poem every day for 30 days. This promises to be very interesting for me seeing as how I've been going through some personal struggles as of late. At any rate, here's my fifth offering...


Pardon me while I panic


I'm afraid of losing your scent forever
Already I am having a hard time remembering things about you
Things you told me...the sound of your voice
I don't want to lose the images and sounds of you throwing your head back and lauhging boisterously
I so miss your arms around me
I miss your smile and your "don't bullshit me" look
I miss our Thusday night dinners
And you complaining about your job
I miss your long fingers gripping cards during bid whist games
I even miss your drunken rants on wholeliedays
You will miss Courtney and Kari's high school and college graduations
You will miss your great-grandchildren
You will miss all five of your children being together in one room
And I'm panicking
Because we are not on a break
I cannot hop in my car and drive 20 minutes to see you
You will not be telling me you love me and calling me your birthday present
I will celebrate our birthday alone
Pardon me while I panic
I can't accept that you're gone

Dante Thoughts Part III: Last night I had a dream (Originally posted 12-5-05)

I dreamt that his death was a dream. In my dream he was a civil engineer working abroad. He flew home for my family's annual Christmas dinner...and on the very night of the dinner no less. A bus dropped him off at the front door and I was peeping out the window when he stepped off of it. In my mind I knew this couldn't be real because Dante is dead and has been dead for almost 5 years. But it was sooo real. I could feel the frost from the window against my nose, my breath condensed on the cold glass, I could hear the Christmas music in the background and smell Turkey and other holiday foods cooking. It was real...it had to be. I could see Dante's face break out into a smile when my grandmother walked up to him and hugged him hello. I hesitated in the doorway unsure what to do with myself. I kept telling myself this is a dream, only a dream. But then a voice whispered that actually, his death was the dream and this was reality. His death was a dream, albeit a prophetic dream. The voice told me that I had to warn Dante to go to the doctor and get his heart checked before it was too late. If he went to the doctor now I could save him, he didn't have to die, he could be saved if I take him to the doctor and get his heart checked right now, right now, right now, the voice insisted! After my grandmother finished greeting Dante his eyes searched until they found me. I didn't think it was possible but his smile grew wider, brighter, so big it dazzled me. He dropped his bags and I ran to him and threw my arms around his neck. We nearly tumbled to the floor. I felt him in my arms. I was not dreaming that, couldn't have been. He felt so real. I could hear his laughter ringing in my ears, smell his cologne tickling my nose, I felt his arms around me squeezing me tightly. God he felt so good, so real. We stood there for what seemed like hours just squeezing each other, my tears wetting his shoulder. He was real, I swear he was. But then I started to panic...he was going to die the voice said. I pulled him to the couch and made him sit with me and I told him we had to go to the doctor immediately. He laughed and told me I was being silly..."I'm fine", he said. I told him that his heart was a ticking time bomb and that on February twenty-first he was going to collapse and die from heart failure. His fingers stroked my cheek and he kissed me and said, "you worry too much, just enjoy me". After that how could I not? So I did. We kissed...deeply. He was exactly as I remembered him. Same smile, same voice, same long arms, same deep eyes, same warm body...everything just as it should be. But for some reason I was filled with anxiety. I knew he was going to die. I couldn't let him die, I needed him. Again I pressed him to go to the doctor so we could be sure he was okay and again he refused. He assured me we had all the time in the world.Then my grandmother's turkey timer went off to alert us that dinner was ready. At the same time my alarm clock went off jarring me from sleep. I turned the clock off and proceeded to cry hysterically, thoroughly soaking my pillow with my sorrow. It was just a dream after all.

I've been crying all morning. My eyes look like lasers. I was doing fine, I really was. I was thinking about him every now and again with no sadness, no pain. What changed? So I talked to him while I sat there in bed crying. I told him I missed him so much it was breaking my heart. I told him it felt like I'd lost him all over again. I told him that no man has ever loved me the way he loved me. I told him I needed him, couldn't go a day without thinking of him. Then I lit a candle for him and started getting ready for work. I cried the whole time. I'm crying now. I've not been this distraught over him in a while. I swear I thought I was gonna wake up and he was gonna be lying next to me smiling. That's how real that dream was. I could smell his cologne on my sheets and in the air, I could still feel his warmth on the left side of my bed...his head had left an indentation on the pillow on the left side of my bed. I never sleep on the left side of my bed! I wish he could come back to me and stay, I need him. Why'd he have to die? Why couldn't it be someone else, someone no one cared about. It isn't fucking fair! We were supposed to travel together, finish reading Aristotle together, go to the lake front and people watch together, lay in the Centennial Rose Garden and dream together, splash in the water at Fountain Square together...we were  supposed to grow old and die TOGETHER. The love of my life is gone and he is never coming back...ever. That is so final. It's so unfair...we'd only just begun. Now the tears won't stop. I don't think they'll ever stop.

Dante thoughts...my dearly departed soul mate (Originally posted 9-16-05)

Dante. Not a day goes by without thoughts of him flitting through my mind. He was the love of my life. No one loved me deeper or better than he did. Not even my ex-husband loved me so well as Dante. He's my Alpha/Omega love. Perhaps that's why I have so much trouble with dating and relationships. I'm comparing everyone I meet to a ghost. They will never measure up. Sometimes I miss him so much it causes physical pain. Today is one of those days where I am missing him more than usual. I don't really talk about him to others anymore because they all tell me that dwelling on him is unhealthy. I'm pretty sure it is but I can't seem to help myself. He's been gone almost 5 years now. In all that time I have fallen deeply in like with a few men but nothing akin to what Dante and I had. He was incredible. He died suddenly of a heart defect that no one knew of. I wrote something for him. I'm gonna visit him sometime this weekend and read it to him. When I have "relationship" malfunctions, I find that I miss Dante more. In my dark moments thoughts of Dante give me comfort. Those same thoughts also inspire melancholy though. I mean, he was my soul mate, I know this with every fiber of my being, and now he's gone. What am I supposed to do? I feel like now that he's gone there can be no one else for me. Soul mates are forever right? That certainly explains why I've experienced so many failed attempts at relating to other men. They are not "The One". "The One" is gone forever. Could this fatalistic attitude also be the cause of my failures? Perhaps. My soul mate been called to glory before me. Can you imagine living the rest of your life alone because your soul mate has passed away? Let's ponder the ramifications of that scenario. A soul mate by its very definition is a partner whose soul is intertwined with your own. This person is connected to you on a cosmic/spiritual level. What happens if they pass away? Physically, they are gone from you. What about spiritually? I'm a very spiritual person, not religious at all, but very spiritual. Not spiritual in the traditional sense either. I am not a christian and I do not hold to christianity (or any other western religions). Religion was created by man but spirituality is intrinsic. But I digress. On a spiritual level, Dante is still with me. I feel his presence...I know he's with me. I've often wondered if by pining away for him the way I do am I keeping him from being at rest. It's possible. It's quite possible, in fact highly probable that I drive away perfectly good suitors by pining away for a man that I can never again physically have. By tying his spirit to my own, I ensure that he has no rest and I also ensure that I cannot connect to anyone else spiritually. What a conundrum. How does one rectify a spiritual/metaphysical problem of this nature? Perhaps I've held on this long because I've not felt like I had closure with him. I mean he died so suddenly and I didn't go to the funeral. I feel guilty. Maybe I allow myself to stew in guilt because it's my way of serving penance (though I'm not a catholic) for giving him hell. I know I need to forgive myself and know that in his position, holding a grudge is neither important nor possible (or is it?). But he wasn't a grudge holding person. He was not petty nor was he mean spirited. I need to let him go for both our sakes. But it's hard. Quite the dilemma. I'm going to post the piece I composed for him. I was weeping as I wrote this. Not crying, but weeping. There's a fundamental difference.



Tonight I cried

My soul shed tears because you lied

You promised me forever but then you died

I spent today in a haze walking from place to place searching for traces of you in the faces of strangers

I'm in danger of falling apart

When you departed you took my heart to your grave

I'm constantly trying to stave off the sadness of your loss but madness is creeping up on me and it's costing me my sanity

My speech is laced with profanity and I wear a cloak of vanity to conceal my true hopelessness

My life is a series of messes and I can confess this because you know anyway, you see me and the things I go through for lack of having you

You were one of the best things to ever happen to me but now that you're gone my soul droops lower than our favorite Weeping Willow tree

I'm convinced there's no one else for me

An integral part of me died when you left this Earth and now I ask the rising sun if the light is worth spying if it doesn't shine on you lying next to me

I miss studying your sleeping face in expectancy of your eyes fluttering up, your hand reaching to cup my chin as you draw me in for a good morning kiss

Damn I miss you

I get so pissed at you

It's been almost 5 years since you left but I swear sometimes I still cry so hard that I can't catch my breath

Your death was the end of the me I knew, what good is life if I have to live it without you?

I know you wouldn't want me to despair but I swear, sometimes I find it's just so hard to keep in mind it was your time to leave

I can't conceive of another man taking your place

I don't want to look in the face of another and not see you...I need you

But you're gone

I can't believe you're really gone

I'm tired of trying to carry on without you, I wish I could stop thinking about you

Damn I miss you

I'm so pissed at you

You left me all alone

Even her tears cry (Originally posted 8-1-05)

Bittersweet salty confections

Conceived, nurtured and born in the face of a beautiful monster

Frightening creature is she; done in by self-imposed limitations and her own perceived inadequacies

She breathes tragedies, her pores expel the stench of her own personal hell

Wrists bearing the marks of her desperation

She feels she's failed and cannot forgive her own transgressions

She thinks she's exhibiting discretion by isolating herself, so afraid that the crowd will guess her secrets

She hides the pain behind plastic smiles and artificial giggles

But even her laughter hides tears that cry

She's so convinced by her own lies that truth could bite her and she'd not feel the sting

Her fingers curl in upon themselves as she mutters silent prayers to deities unknown to her

She wants to save her own life but can't decide if the fight is worth the reward

False pride and counterfeit self-esteem are her banners

All this because he lived and died on the same day

His tears cried too



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This piece was inspired by a woman I love more than life itself. I so wish I could take away her pain, her desire to self-destruct. When I was young I wanted to be just like her. Hell I wanted to be her. I thought she was prettier, smarter, better than me. But she is just a woman. Just an average woman with an average woman's fears, nightmares and insecurities. She lost something precious and it drove her to the edge. So now she stands with her toes clutching the rim of a great precipice, arms out, ready to fling herself into the abyss. I want to save her but I don't know how. I want to love her but she won't let me. I wish she would love herself a little more but I don't think she knows how. My tears cry too. For her and my lost nephew.