Saturday, July 4, 2009

It seems like a mighty long time...(Monday, May 16, 2005)

Since I've had anything to say. I've been in a funk lately. For a long time now actually. Remember that man I was so sprung on? Yeah, well my head is all fucked up over him. That pisses me off because usually I'm pretty resilient. I keep telling myself there was nothing great or spectacular about him (other than the mind numbing, earth shattering, heaven-help-me-because-I'm-going-straight-to-hell, incredibly orgasmic sex we had). In truth, this man was like an extension of me. I feel like a part of me is gone. I mean, whenever something good/bad/stupid/incredible/funny/or whatever happened to me, he was the first person I called and vice versa. We talked about everything, he was (prepare for overused cliche) the Ying to my Yang, we were like Siamese fucking twins...or so I thought. He was one of my best friends and now...he's gone. Why can't I just get over him? I can't even look at anther man without feeling revulsion. This is not good. My ability to create has damn near shriveled to nothingness and I spend too much damn time thinking about his ass. I know he's not thinking about me, not missing me, not giving a shit if I live or why is it I'm here still pining after him? A friend of mine told me the best way to get over one man is with another...but I can't do it. Just the thought of another man touching me makes me sick to my stomach...literally. That is why I've been spending so much time alone. I go out alone, I stay in alone, I shop alone...shit I haven't even wanted to get myself off. You know, I'm starting to believe this muthufucka put roots on me or something, lol. Maybe he buried a pair of my drawls in his backyard. I have only had it this bad one other time and that was after my first love and I broke up.

Several weeks ago I hung out with a friend of mine and he told me I had it bad. Now I didn't mention the man that has my head all fucked up whatsoever and I was in a spectacularly good mood, but somehow my friend intuited that I was in a bad way. Of course I was offended. I was like, how dare you imply that I don't have my shit together. The kid doesn't lose it over any man...believe that! Well, he just looked at me like I was a fool and laughed and said, "keep telling yourself that if it makes you feel better." Well I don't feel better fuck you very much! I'm telling you that I am through with love and men. Period. Done. Finito. I cannot lose my head like this again, I don't like how it feels. I don't like feeling out of control and vulnerable. I don't like having my fucking feelings crushed...I'm usually the crusher. Maybe that's why I'm going through this...KARMA. I promise I'll be nice from now on. Okay, I promise I won't be as mean anymore. Fuck it, I'll just stay the hell away from people period...that's the only way to avoid hurting and getting hurt. Yeah right, lol. Well at least I haven't done anything undignified like contacting him. His fucking loss. I love him so much I hate him. This can't be healthy. Anyone know a Root Doctor, lol?

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