Play List

Try a Little Tenderness - Otis Redding
Put That Woman First - Jaheim
Take Care of Home - Dave Hollister
You Are the Best Thing - Ray Lamontagne




I wonder if these men really put action behind the words they wrote/sang? I love these songs...they're on my dream man play list. There are other songs on the play list, but these are the songs that came to mind just now. One of these days the dream will become reality. Until then...I have the songs. And chocolate. And a vibrator.

Hidden (Originally posted 5-12-06)

Hidden, but not for long. Everytime you open your mouth you lose a bone. Fuck skeletons in closets, there's a graveyard in your soul. Too old, not old enough, not grown enough to walk in truth. You lie because it just comes natural. And she. Pity mixed with revulsion. I'm beginning to detest you both. You spoke and your words clouded up like steamy showers. Your speech has no power. Lost on me like the sailors from the perfect storm. This ain't normal. Feeling earthquakes in my soul...shit is crumbling. Tumbling like the cooldown cycle on laundrymat dryers. I'm feeling no heat. I sleep and dream dreams, see things I'd rather not see. You don't feel me, too busy feeling yourself I suppose. God knows light was shed on this darkness but it was brief, like kids at the park at night with sparklers. I don't own ten lifetimes of honesty but honestly...I can be honest. I tell you the truth 99.9 percent of the time...I promise. So much to say and so little time in which to say it, I'm an old Isley Brothers vinyl and you just wanted to play it. Are you reading between these lines? They say, "I know what you did last summer". And back in March when we first began. Then again, a dime was dropped and the scene was discerned from the past couple years. No tears. I don't have the time, energy or desire to cry. I'm just pouring gasoline, dropping matches and watching shit burn and die. I tried, I really did, but almost has never been good enough. I understand change is tough, but that doesn't equate impossible. Now I'm a fossil. A glorious history embedded in an ornate shell. You can tell others how great it was before the molten lava of your lies caught up to us. Speak on trust that was not becuase the foundation was poured on deceit. Continue to creep with the girl next door. She's a whore filled with the spawn of maybe you...maybe him. I guess it all depends on her whim..."hmmm what dick will I sample today?......" Now y'all gonna play the D&C scrape game and maybe that mistake will wind up just another red stain. Virtuous indeed. Cloak yourself with righteousness if that helps you look in the mirror, but the truth is all over your spirit. You reek of uncompleted promises and broken dreams. Your garment of sanctity is torn at the seams. You talk about a redeemer yet your life and what you speak are diametrically opposed. Just put on some regular clothes because your white robes fool no one. You're as fucked up as they come. You tried to hide...but it was all in vain. Nothing remains hidden

This is dedicated to my now ex and his secret lover(s). Fuckers. I hope they both...live happily ever fucking after. Fin.

What love is/ain't? (Originally posted 4-26-06)

I'm like you, I write too. It could be a limmerick or a haiku. My pen is swift and delivers true, if you try to bite my shit I'll fight you. Sometimes I rhyme but most times I don't, I could write a few paragraphs but today I won't. I'm just sitting here keystyling today, I should be working but I want to play. I write what I feel, think and see. I write some for you but mostly for me. I write to release, I write when I'm tense, I write to ease the pressure when nothing makes sense. I write to ease the pain and diffuse my anger, when I don't write away the blues I feel like my spirit is in danger. Sometimes I write like a wordsmith and sometimes I write like a novice, but everything I write comes from within...that's a promise. Today is an example of my less polished pieces, no one will confuse this for a dissertation or thesis. My grammar sucks and my spelling is sometimes off, but most can grasp my flow without getting lost.

Yeah, okay that's enough of that, lol. Today I want to talk about love. What is it about that little word that can cause so much big trouble? People have fought and died for love. People search their entire lives for love. Hell folks will even murder for love...or so some lunatics have claimed. "Love made me do it". I once had a very vivid dream about a man who murdered another man because he "loved" a woman so much. I wrote a poem about it and I would share it right now but I don't know where it is. But you see how passionate, how dedicated, how absolutely intense (obsessive) love can make some folks?

Love will make you do some crazy shit. Love will make you let down your guard even though you're scared as hell, love will make you slap a bitch, love will make you cut a fool. Once love (and a little bit of anger and of course mucho self-defense) made me almost beat a bitch to death. I was once involved with a man who just had to have more than one woman. She knew about me but I didn't know about her until later. One night I was at "my man's house" and she showed up...with a knife (unbeknownst to me at the time). Now I'm no punk but I ain't crazy either, so I called the cops just off GP. This was new jack city type stuff to me, I'd never been there, never done that and mos def didn't get the t-shirt/keychain/coffee mug. I don't know why, but he opened the door and let her in the house. Why would he do that? Well I'm not one to be punked so I went up to her and tried to kick her out, I didn't put my hands on her, I pitched something she gave him "two years prior" (per him) out the door hoping she'd follow it. Wrong move on my part because that bitch snapped. There was at least a foot of space between us and she launched herself at me. Now I just happened to be in various states of undress (it was well after midnight and he and I had been in the bed doing "it") so I was at a disadvantage. This chick got her hands in my hair and knocked me to the floor by kneeing me in the stomach. I have to tell you that after my breath whooshed out I saw darkness like Rick James whenever he looked at Eddie and Charlie Murphy. When I felt her tugging at my hair I saw R E D. No one touches my hair in a threatening manner...no one. I balled my fists up and started pummeling this chick in every soft spot I could find. When that didn't get her off me, I used my nails to claw her face/neck/arms, when that didn't work I started pulling her hair out, when that didn't work I used my fists and knees together. The whole time this punk ass muhfucka is in the background telling her to get off me. I was laying on the floor underneath her screaming, "I'ma kill both y'all bitches when I get up off this floor". It's kinda hard to fight when you're damn near butt ass naked and pinned to the floor. Her blood started dripping into my face and getting in my eyes so I had to close my eyes but I kept pounding on her. Still, she would not let me up. All this time the front door was open and the next thing I know, 8 cops come running in with guns drawn and big voices booming. It took 4 of those male cops to get this chick off me and the whole time I am still punching her with one hand, kicking her and clawing her with the other hand. She was BERSERK. They finally got her on her stomach and managed to cuff her and I got a good look at her. She was fucccccccked up. Both her eyes were swollen shut, her lip was busted, she had large patches in her head from where I'd ripped out her hair, scratches and gouges in her face from where I'd clawed her and she was just a bloody fucking mess. But despite it all, the bitch would not get off me. Now that's love for you. She took a serious ass kicking from me that night. The cops cuffed all 3 of us. I was mad as hell and screaming my half naked fool head off. I was just way beyond indignant. How the hell they gonna cuff me and I ain't got on no damn clothes...obviously I belonged there! Vagina all out and shit! Well they hauled me off to the back of the house so I could put something on and I was able to glance in the mirrror. I was very surprised at what I saw. My face was burning because the chick took her hands out of my hair long enough to scratch my face but there wasn't nearly as much damage as I expected. I was missing some hair too but not as much as she was. Don't get me wrong now, I was scratched the hell up but not nearly as I should have been for someone pinned to the floor by a maniac. The lady cop sat me down and told me to tell her what happened...so I did. She took the cuffs off me and they brought Mr. Punk Ass Muhfucka into the kitchen to get his story. He was still cuffed. Do you know this mofo had the nerve to say HE DIDN'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED! "They just started fighting", he says. I jumped off the chair so fast it flipped backwards, I was gonna kill that punk ass muhfucka! Good thing the lady cop was between us. She told me to stop screaming and calm down or she'd put the cuffs back on me. I sat my ass down. One of the male cops came into the kitchen and told me that due to the nature of the crazy chick's injuries I could be arrested but because she was technically trespassing and she had a weapon, I was getting away with self-defense. He told me she had severe lacerations that may require stitches, I'd almost broken her nose and I'd knocked out one of her teeth. I smiled at that but I kept quiet. I wanted to kill that bitch. I wanted to fuck him up too because that bitch came with a knife to put a serious hurting on me. I was hot. I pressed charges...he didn't. I wanted a restraining order but he wouldn't cooperate so they wouldn't give me one.

Ain't that a bitch? Three different people, all of them in various stages of love and all of them willing to go the distance to protect it. I found out later that that crazy bitch left her 5 year old daughter at home alone to come and take me out. How the hell she know I was gonna be there? He loved her so much though that he refused to back me up in court. Me, well I just looked like a damn fool. I loved him so much I overlooked things I shouldn't have and believed him when he told me I was the only one. Hmm. Perhaps that was just foolishness on my part.


At any rate. Do you see how love is? Love will drive you to do things that you normally wouldn't do. Love will make you blind. Love will make you protect folks even when they are dead wrong. But more than anything...love perseveres. After that incident I dropped that dude like he had Bubonic plague and he got back with his crazy knife wielding ex. They later broke up and he called me trying to get back but I now had the t-shirt/coffee mug/keychain. More important...I loved myself too much to even consider taking him back.



Fast forward to Wednesday, April 26, 2006......I am in love with a wonderful man. He is not perfect by any means, but he strives. Now I wouldn't cut a bitch for him but I will beat a bitch to death for myself. I realize that there are going to be challenges that he and I will face both as a couple and as individuals, but I am confident that he and I can do it together. Love brought us together, love will keep us together....we'll fight for that love.

 

Update... (Originally posted 4-18-09)

1. Today -  I'm PMS'ing so watch out.

2. Last Friday -  DMG and I went to his great aunt's funeral - I wish I'd gotten the chance to know her. From the remembrances everyone shared she seemed like she was an awesome awesome lady. His family is really nice. After the funeral I went to church with him to listen to him play organ. He wound up playing the piano and drums...he's pretty damn good. After that we picked up some food and went home and watched movies until we passed out.

3. Last Saturday - My daughter and I had a girl's only outing so we took in a movie and did a little shopping. We had a really bad moment at Urban Outfitters (racial profiling) but otherwise, it was an okay outing. DMG came by that evening and me, him, Kari, Courtney and my guy Jahi all sat around playing Uno. We had a lot of fun.

4. Last Sunday - DMG had to play organ for an early Easter Sunday service but afterwards we drove to the south burbs and had dinner with my family. They were pretty well behaved with one or two exceptions. They seemed to welcome DMG pretty well...I was ready to reveal claws the minute someone stepped to my man the wrong way though, lol. I'm so protective of him even though he can take care of himself, lol. After dinner with my fam we went to DMG's church for an Easter Sunday evening service.

Whewwwweeeeeeeeeeeee! Let me tell y'all, that was a powerful damn service. I was crying like a baby. I mean I had a real breakthrough that night. As I said before, I don't plan on making some grand return to christianity but I'm open to whatever the Universe has in store for me. After service we went home and watched tv until we passed out.

*******************************************************************************

In summation...

I just cannot articulate how happy I am. This wonderful wonderful man has come into my life and just changed my entire outlook on love and the endless possibilities thereof. He just captured my heart out of nowhere. Sometimes I just want to cry I feel so blessed. This is it y'all. Damn, this was on my vision board you know. If y'all ain't up on vision board you better get your weight up. A large portion of the items I placed on my vision board have come to pass...no bullshit. Anyway, to all my peoples that were cheering for me, consoling me, advising me, loving me and just generally being a friend...I love y'all and I put that on everything. Peace, abundance, light and love to all y'all!

Finally... (Originally posted 4-12-06)

Or maybe I should say "At Last" like Etta James. Yeah I think I will...take a look at the lyrics:

At last my love has come along
My lonely days are over
And life is like a song
At last the skies above are blue
And my heart was wrapped up in clover
The night I looked at you
I found a dream that I can speak to
A dream that I could call my own
I found a thrill to press my cheek to
A thrill that I have never known
You smiled, and then the spell was cast
And here we are in heaven
And you are mine at last



That is how DMG makes me feel. Sometimes I get so scared though. Sometimes I'm afraid I'll wake up and he will have just been a dream. Then he strokes my cheek, reassures me I'm not dreaming, he ain't leaving and we will be together always. This man loves me to death! I mean he really really loves me. Every time I think about it, every time he does something to show it, every time he says it...I'm just amazed. Not because I think I'm unworthy, but because it of the apparent depth and breadth of his love for me. I was not looking for him, I was not interested in dating or falling in love, I was actually thinking that I may have spend a very long time by myself. Then things with him just sort of...blossomed. It happened soooo quickly. We've known each other for 6 years but I never before thought about dating him. I mean...we were just friends. But no we're so much more. Everything I went through to be with this man today has been worth it. All the tears, the cursing, the disappointments....all that shit was worth it. I am wide open and smokin'. I smile all the time now. Those of you who know me personally know that this in itself is a miracle. I am not a smiley face person, I usually don a serious face because smiling makes me feel weak and vulnerable. Now I stay smiling, lol. Strangers want to know what's up, they call my smile beatific. My co-worker said I "got that glow", lol. He's amazing. I mean he is just an awesome man. I have never encountered anyone so willing to help others, so willing to encourage those needing encouragement. He is so kind, so giving, so patient, so sincere, so... (ick)christ like. He got me to do something I said I'd never do again. I went to church y'all. Slow ya roll, I ain't about to make a grand return to christianity or nothin' like that,  I just went to hear him play piano and organ. He is splendid on the keys, just really talented. He plays 13 instruments. He also sings and writes music. Actually, everyone in his family is musically gifted. Almost everyone sings and/or plays an instrument or two. But let me not digress. He is beginning to mean a lot to me. I think about him all the time. When we're apart I cannot wait to see him again. He has pictures of me up in his house. I have a picture of him up in mine. When we aren't together we're on the phone with each other. We will talk for hours and hours and hours. Good thing we're both "In", lol. I would gladly have this man's little green eyed beige skinned babies...okay, well maybe not, but I'd think about it. I guess, lol. He makes me happy. I make him happy. When I am with him everything looks different...feels different....smells different...I'm different. We are good together. He always opens doors for me. He always walks on the outside. He has this way of putting his hand in the small of my back when we're walking that just makes me feel so....safe, desirable, protected, etc. I love his mind, hugs, kisses, his laugh, his eyes, his cute little nose, his long fingers, the way he dresses, the way he smells, the way he carries himself, his genuine love of people and music. He makes me want to be a better person. He compliments me. He feels like the other part of me that I've been trying to find. I love his sense of humor, it's wicked. Wow. He lavishes me with his time and attention. He is spoiling me. I like it. I want to spoil him back. I won't be afraid. I will love him without restraint and I will let him return the favor. He's willing to give me keys to his house. I'd rather have the key to his heart....but I'll take the key to the crib too, lol. He said that he belongs to me and I belong to him. I did not disagree. He said he wants to be with me forever. I told him he could.

He said I'm his dream girl (Originally posted 4-6-06)

He loves me for me. Despite my perceived imperfections, despite my occasional lapses of self-confidence, despite my pendulum like mood swings, despite my rants, raves and road rage....he loves me for me. He ignores my seething sarcasm, laughs at my dumb ass jokes, kisses my hand, strokes my hair, whispers in my ear, hugs me without me having to ask...and he does it all because I am who I am. I am good enough for him. He doesn't want me to change....well he wants me to be a little more patient, but other than that he tells me I'm wonderful just as I am. He loves me for me....despite my hang ups, idiosyncrasies and eccentricities. He calls me every day, he wants to see me all the time, he loves my eyes, he loves my lips, he thinks I'm cute, beautiful and sexy, he calls me baby, he thinks I'm special....he goes out of his way to make sure I feel special. He's special. I'm glad I stopped running from him. Six years is a long time to run. I'm glad I let him catch me. He makes me happy. I'm smiling right now, lol.

Creeping back slowly...maybe (Originally posted 3-8-06)

Well sorta.


I have nothing in particular to say today so this will just be a blog full of random ramblings. I'm horny. I've not had sex in a while. So long that I can't remember when I last got some. Strangely enough, I'm not as upset about that as I would have been say...four months ago.  I mean I want some but I'd rather have meaningful sex than "I'm horny and any random dick will do" sex. I guess you can say I'm growing up, lol. I've not had a date in a while either. I used to be somewhat of a serial dater. That too has ceased. I don't want to date anymore. I mean I want to...but I don't. I'm not interested in starting over. The thought of having to take the time to get to know new men makes me yawn and feel suddenly tired. I used to be excited about the prospect of meeting new men, for me it was like getting a new toy. Now I'm like a 5 year old a week after Christmas...just not interested. What does that mean? Is this new attitude also indicative of my burgeoning maturity level? Perhaps I've just grown weary of the dating game. Either way it goes, I will remain single for the time being.

In other news, I've grown very fond of bowling. I've gone a few times with my family and had a blast every time. Now in order to be a real bowler, I have to get my own shoes and personalized ball and bag. Oh, and I have to bowl over 85, lol. The last time I went bowling I met this guy...he was kinda young. I told him I was 35 so he would leave me the hell alone. He was undeterred. He was cute but I was not interested...not really. So I gave him my phone number, lol. He called me almost a week later (I hate those damn dating rules/games folks play....but I'm not interested anyway soooo...). I started not to answer because I didn't recognize the number but I did anyway just because I can. We talked for less than 5 minutes and I knew he was not on my level. Nowhere near my level in fact. He asked to see me and I stuttered, stammered and otherwise stalled for time. Why couldn't I just say never like I usually do? A part of me was concerned that I might hurt his feelings or damage his ego. The other part of me couldn't figure out why I gave a damn. I'm used to hurting folks' feelings and damaging egos....with nary a care. Again, this newfound conscientiousness must be a sure sign of my grown and maturity. At any rate, I never gave dude a straight answer (not very mature of me) so he sent me a text message a couple days later. I gave him some line and he seemed to be satisfied because I've not heard from in two days. Maybe I haven't matured as much as I'd like to think.

On to other things. I once had this very very very good friend. We'll call him...Johnny. Johnny and I were down like four flat tires, I mean we were tight. I loved him fa sho, he was my ace. Well Johnny got involved with this woman and I was really really happy for him. I knew he loved her before he would admit it to himself. It made me happy to see him happy. Well after a while things started going awry. Johnny told me things about his ladylove that raised some red flags for me. Though I tried to remain impartial and optimistic for his sake, I quickly got to a point where I could no longer remain silent. First and foremost this young lady failed the test. Yeah "The Test". She didn't reach over and unlock his door (nor open it). I have never failed the test. That's just not something that a woman who is supposedly in love with a man would fail to do. Anyway, Johnny told me some other things about his ladylove that really distressed me and I soon started telling him to kick her to the curb. That was my first mistake...opening my big mouth. Soon after I made the mistake of withdrawing from him when he reached out to me. Yeah, I'm a selfish cad. I was having my own issues at the time and just couldn't see past my own shit. Needless to say, Johnny and I drifted apart. Now over the course of several months Johnny and I got back on speaking terms, we talked, laughed and shot the shit but it was never the same. It soon got to the point where he did most of the calling, he always asked me to hang out, etc. I put forth no effort to "fix us". Now in my own defense I must say that I was dealing with a struggle in my personal life (a 5'11" chocolate poured over steel struggle named "O"). I just didn't prioritize me and Johnny's friendship. I wish I had. Today, largely due to my self-centeredness, Johnny and I don't really speak at all. I miss him and the rapport we used to have. I've tried to repair the damage but alas, I think it is irreparable. I've thus been relegated to the forward list in his e-mail addy book and my calls go unanswered and for the most part unreturned. I can't say I'm surprised, angry or undeserving of this treatment though... because I so am. I sure do miss Johnny though. Damn, I seem to be preoccupied with men don't I, lol? What can I say, the more things change the more they stay the same.

I hate swine...the subhuman kind (Originally posted 11-8-05)

Is it just me or are all black people paranoid when it comes to cops? This morning while driving to work, there were cops every damn where. Now even though I hadn’t done anything, I felt guilty and afraid that without warning these dirty pigs were going to swoop down on me with merciless fury. I know that’s a little melodramatic….call it echoes from my revolutionary past life experiences. I don’t know but being in close proximity to cops makes my blood run cold. Behind my eyes I see the bullet riddled bodies of innocent men, women and children gunned down by crooked cops. I see the five-o directing fire hoses at peaceful demonstrators, children being tasered to the ground, billy clubs cracking black skulls open. Okay I know this is bordering on morbid so I’ll stop with the descriptions. The point is, I don’t trust or like cops. I never met a decent cop.



I dated a narcotics dick for a couple months last year and he was as crooked as they come. He openly admitted to me that he planted evidence on suspects, shook down drug dealers and confiscated money seized from raids. I was with him when he got the call that 5 of his equally crooked buddies were arrested by internal affairs. He was afraid they were going to snitch on him. He was also obsessed with me. He would call me 30 and 40 times a day asking me where I was and what I was doing, he always wanted to know what I was wearing...shit, on our fist date he masturbated my ring finger and told me I was "The One" and that he needed to get something to keep my finger warm. Talk about crazy. Oh, he was also in the army. I was afraid of his crazy ass. One night he got really drunk and tried to rape me. I knew if he succeeded there was no way I could go to the police because he's one of them, no one would ever believe me...

He was drunk as hell that night and acting stupid. He was also pissed because we'd been going out for a while (he considered 5 weeks a while) and I wouldn't have sex with him. I should have seen it coming. The man was so damn drunk that he could barely stand up but I swear he was like He-Man or some shit. We were lying on the bed (fully clothed) in his rec room watching Eddie Murphy dvd's. He started rubbing on me and trying to kiss me. I was not in the least amused or aroused. I still don't know why I decided to stay when I realized how wasted he was. Perhaps it was because he begged me...I like when they beg. At any rate, drunk as he was, I had to fight him off for over 5 minutes. The part that scared me was after he passed out from the struggle, I got up and took his gun out of the holster on the floor and put the muzzle to his head. Never in my life had I so strongly desired nor been so close to killing anyone. I swear I wanted to splash his brains all over that fucking room. But I didn't. That's life in prison if you murder a narc, maybe even death. I dropped the gun and just left. I didn't report it either. The next day he called me sounding nice as pie and asked me why I'd left. He didn't remember a damn thing. So I told him that he almost died that night and if he knew what was good for him he'd stay the fuck away from me.

He continued to call me every day 20-30 times a day for the next 2 weeks. I still look over my shoulder sometimes. But I digress….I cannot stand cops. Not just because of my limited personal experiences with them, but also because of all the things I have seen and heard. They are not to be trusted. Few of them are even human beings anymore. Just badges, guns and bad attitudes. God be with the next black man they pull over for "reasonable cause". We should all have dash mounted camcorders for our own safety.

Ignorance...bliss? (Originally posted 10-24-05)

 

Though I saw, I made myself blind. Though I heard, I made myself deaf. Will I continue in ignorance that isn't ignorance that lacks bliss or will I tuck the hurt in my back pocket, say fuck it and kick rocks to a new destination? Metaphorically speaking of course. I have this queasy, ugly, funky feeling in the pit of my stomach. Why? Why must people/things be so complicated? Why, when things can be simple, and lovely, and whole, and right do people have to go and fuck it up? People should either be straight up or take their crooked asses to the next jawn. Don't hold on to what you have because you're waiting for something better to show up...just let that shit go. Shit why am I even asking why? I have the power to let the shit go...but I hesitate. Why? Is it really that deep? Is it really worth hanging on? How long do I have to wait for it to get better, for the bullshit to stop stinking, for the deceit to stop deceiving? I swear I've been trying. I've been so good, so true, so "perfect", just not perfect enough. I say the words and mean them. I touch and feel it. I give and give and give and give until it hurts and then I turn around and give some gotdamn more. What do I get in return? A metaphorical knife in the gotdamn back. The world is a small place you know. Made smaller by virtue of the internet. Some muthufuckas should think about that when they say and do what they say and do. But let me slow my roll, turn my frown upside down and....take this back, back, back, back. The man that angers you conquers you. People only do to you what you allow them to. What's done in the dark comes to light. Fool me once shame on you; fool me twice shame on me. What you sow; so shall you reap. If it ain't right; it's wrong. Don't trouble trouble until trouble troubles you. What to do? Fuck this.

What a disaster (Originally posted 10-6-05)

That last blog? Fuck it! All those good words wasted on a jackass. Here's what happened when we got together...

He called me Sunday, 10-2-05, at the last minute so we could meet downtown for lunch...on the same day. I was lounging in bed watching football when I got the call. He didn't know where he wanted to meet, didn't know what he wanted to eat and didn't give me an exact time to be there. I jumped out of bed anyway and rushed to get ready...I even wore a short ass skirt because he likes to look at my legs. He gives me a random ass location to meet him and I comply. Now when I get there after speeding and worrying about speeding tickets and trying like crazy to find a park what do you think he says/does? This muhfucka had the nerve to cop a funky attitude! Okay, so I was a little late, but how's about a little gratitude? How's about, I'm glad you made it safely? Something. Nah, this muhfucka is mad. Do you know for the first hour we were together he hardly spoke four complete sentences to me? I'm not known for my patience, actually I'm known for being highly impatient and going off with little provocation, but this day Gandhi and Mother Theresa would have been proud of me.

I wanted to cuss him the fuck out but that's why we stopped speaking before. So I held my tongue and played nice. It didn't matter though because the nicer I was the more of an asshole he became. I was ready to dump my food in his lap by the time the waitress came back with our order. Suffice it to say I never finished lunch. I couldn't choke the food down because of the lump of rage in my throat. So we left. Despite all this I swear I missed him like crazy, I really did. So on the way back to my car I got in what I knew would be a last feel on his ass and a few kisses on those beautiful lips. I squeezed his man titts too, lol, pudgy bastid. He'd put on at least 15 pounds. And that's on top of the 30 extra he was already carrying. What can I say, I like fat boys.



Anyway, he drove me back to my car and as I made to transfer from his automobile to mine I told him I loved him...and I meant it. Though he's a fat fucking asshole and reminds me of the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man, he's also a sweetheart and we had a great time together in the past. I loved his spirit, our conversations, his ability to deify me, his lips, mind, the way he reacted to my touch, etc. I love him but I can't stand him. Anyway, he smiled and prepared to respond to my declaration of amore but I closed the door on him. I'd had enough. Yesterday (Wednesday, 10-5-05) he called me. It began as a random chat but then he got serious and said we needed to talk. I just laughed. He told me he couldn't get involved with me because his career would suffer (this shit again). This time I stiffled my laugh and told him I certainly didn't want to interfere with his career. He proceeded to tell me how great I was, blah, blah, blah, but I stopped listening after he said career.


I don't know why he felt the need to call me and have this arbitrary conversation, because after the fiasco on Sunday (which was his way of breaking things off), I was done with his ass anyway. He prattled on for another couple minutes and told me that we should remain friends. Not even trying to mask my sarcasm, I said sure, that's cool. I mean really? I had and have no intention of speaking to him again let alone being his damn friend. After we disconnected...again, I immediately deleted all his contact info, pictures, everything. I blocked his e-mail addresses too. This time I don't feel bad. I don't feel too much of anything actually. Is it possible to feel nothing after feeling so much of something for someone you claimed to have loved? I wasn't in love with him but I did love him. Or did I? Shit I don't know. Maybe I just loved how he made me feel. Who cares now anyway. He inspired me to write some good pieces though. I will miss having a muse more than anything. What I won't miss is the game playing.


Other than that....I'm going to Michigan this weekend with a bunch of friends and their kids. It's going to be cold as a witch's tit but I'm looking forward to it. I'm tired of writing now.

Back to "Mr. Wonderful" (Originally posted 9-22-05)

For Real though, you are The Sweetest Thing I've ever known. I never should have gone off on you. I apologize. I was being selfish and impatient and inconsiderate. I acted impulsively. I know. I banished you but I wanted the exact opposite. I crave your presence...I mean truly crave it. When you're around, I breathe you. I'm addicted to you. I don't need to touch you...being able to absorb you with my eyes is enough. But touching you...touching you is exquisite; like a divine visit on each and every one of my ten digits. You make me hungry.

This may sound strange but...I kept all of the voicemails you've ever left me. When we fell out, I listened to them. Sometimes I smiled and laughed as I listened and other times listening to them made me sad. After our spat, I didn't think I'd ever talk you again. I just knew you hated me. But you don't. After weeks of no speaking, you made contact. I was shocked. You've missed me...maybe as much as I've missed you...maybe more. I laughed out loud. My heart beat rapidly in my chest and I felt a great weight lift. I immediately remembered that I'd I thrown your shirt in the garbage. I also deleted all your numbers (so I wouldn't weaken and call you). I kept your pictures though. I want to see you. I know you said we need to take baby steps, but baby, I would step off the end of the earth if I could just see your smile again.

I miss you. I think Dante sent you. A long time ago I asked him to send me someone who he thought would make me happy. You make me happy...when you're not pissing me off. You know I'm spoiled and you refuse to cater to me. That's aggravating, but I know you're only doing it because you want to help me evolve. I dreamt about you last night. We were lying in your bed talking. Your finger was teasing my lips...do you still love my lips? I still love yours. We talked about Germany and New York. We talked about your divorce and mine. We talked about the time we made out on the giant birthday cake at the sculpture park. I can't drive past that place without thinking about you. I touch myself and think of you. You are the only person that appreciates the softness of my skin more than I do. I miss the way you say my name. I miss your laugh. I miss your serious face. I miss your friendship...I miss that most of all. Soon...I hope that we can get together soon. Maybe dinner or just go for a walk. I just want to be in your presence. Soon.

Meh...you win some & you lose some (Originally posted 8-26-05)

Well Friday is drawing to a close...am I relieved? Not sure yet. This has been one of the longest weeks this month but it was very productive so I'm not complaining. I'm in love with my job again. For a while I seemed to be burned out, all the misery and hard luck stories were getting to me, not to mention the ignorant mofo's that were cussing me out. Despite the miserly pay, the long hours and lack of recognition, I love what I do. There is nothing more fulfilling than helping those in need. Interesting observation, this year at least 3 0f my clients are white. Last year Maybe 8 of my clients were white. Only 2 are hispanic this year compared to the 10 hispanic last year. The majority are young, black single mothers. I wish black males would do more for their children...we're in a state of emergency.

At any rate, soon I'll be back to volunteering for the Salvation Army. They usually have one big campaign and two or three small ones during the Autumn/Winter months. I'm looking into volunteering at a soup kitchen called Soup at Six also. Volunteer work makes me feel better because it takes the focus off my personal miseries and failures. Like the whole "Mr. Wonderful" fiasco. As it turns out, he wasn't so wonderful after all. In my weaker moments I think about his scent, smile and the way he touched me....then I remember he's a fucking asshole. Okay, it wasn't all him, but it was mostly him. I recognize my faults though. I'm selfish, self-absorbed, self-involved, vain, temperamental, impatient, arrogant, mean, insecure, defensive, cynical, cold, calculating, prideful, anal, etc. I acknowledge my shortcomings though and vow to rectify them all...eventually. On the other hand I can be loving, gentle, sweet, humorous, thoughtful, gracious, humble, generous, selfless, compassionate, etc. A complete contradiction right? I know. My Yahoo ID was aptly chosen. I'm not all bad though. Most of the guys I break up with always tell me that I'm really sweet and kind and that one day some man will count himself lucky to have me. That always makes me laugh. I mean, if all they say is true then why are we breaking up? I already know the answer though. Whatever.

I came across "Mr. Wonderful's" undershirt tonight. The scent of him is still strong...it makes me angry and sad to smell it. I really liked this one. Out of all the dudes I'm seeing right now, he was my favorite. Now the thrill I got from dating is gone. Speaking of thrills, "O" called me at 3 this morning. He was drunk as hell and acting silly. He hasn't done that in a while. He was jealous of "Mr. Wonderful". He thinks that I belong to him and he resents the fact that I was so taken with "Mr. Wonderful". I told him he had his chance and now his reign is over. He said, "whatever, I've permanently engraved my name on you, you belong to me". He's funny, lol. Sad, selfish, cowardly man. I love him though. That man still owns prime real estate in my heart...*sigh*

My birthday is swiftly approaching and I'm wondering what I'll do. I'm not excited but I'm not dreading it either. Birthdays lose their meaning after the landmark ages (16, 18, 21, and 25). I plan to have a Dirty 30 party when I turn 30 though. Saturday I'm gonna drive out to South Holland and visit my little sister, niece, nephew and grandparents. It's been a while since I've been out that way. With the cost of gas at $2.86 for regular, I can hardly afford to be driving to damn near Indiana and back all the time. I miss them though. Well I'm gonna wrap this up with one of my favorite pieces. This was a MSN Messenger Keystyle (cyber freestyle) by me and a friend of mine named Qayyim. This brotha is mad deep and dear to my heart. Enjoy!



Duet


AlMalik says:
The GOD rather build with the Chi-Town Queen // than deal with another Gucci Queen with good coochie // feel more satisfied after sharing thoughts with Nik // then sticking a thick chick built to strip shaking 4 tips // emotional revolution // inspirational vision // motivation from the words U be saying

Nicki says:
saying what's in the heart and not in my head bcuz i'm sitting at work thinking about lying in bed, i'd rather be at home being loved from my head to my feet then sitting at my desk looking at print outs of spreadsheets, been so long since i've really been touched and not just felt up, i'm trying to hold out for a man who makes my heart swell up

AlMalik says:
Unbelievable sometimes // how you glisten and shine // so mentally inclined and culturally refined // recognize that our people divine // never content with common content // like me // see-me, I see you challenge western thoughts // create your own path // knowledge of self // and self worth // mentally the earth self fertilized

Nicki says:
fertilized by truth and pruned of lies/i despise those that close their eyes 2 the conspiracy of oppression/instead of learning from the lesson they keep guessing and getting wrong answers/shucking and jiving like black face dancers/they perform 4 payment from those that enslave us/but bling and designer fits can't save us/material possessions don't make us, the hard labor didn't break us/we can't let greed and ignorance take us/we must trust that there's more 4 us/the door is before us, we have but to walk through it/destiny awaits we just have to pursue it

AlMalik says:
Outspoken about the lies so many others afraid to tame // but still maintain a stable mind frame // beyond your physical frame // havent we crossed paths in the past // feel reunited with the heart of my essence // through the pleasure you deliver like the blue fluid from my heart // howd it all start // cant believe you make me wanna share my dreams // make you a franchise player on my team /open with thoughts and feelings like a grand canyon ravine // nahmean // never even seen the Chi-Town Queen in front of me // close enough to hear her breathe // voice remains a mystery // but ya words are soft enough to make a strong enough impact // to pass barriers put up to protect what you so easily touch

Nicki says:
touch and tease my intellect with your verbal caress and inherent respect....of my femininity/your words give life to my spirit in direct relation to your masculinity/we are the most divine of all divinity/our souls entwined from now until infinity.....U and I 4ever building 2gether/traisping through the concrete jungles in fair and stormy weather/freeing other minds and making sick souls better/a 4 page letter cannot explain all the thoughts my brain contains/i'm trying to make this plain and clear as day/i dig U and all U have 2 say/i thought i was the only 1 that thought this way....i'm glad i'm not alone/the way u express yourself makes me feel safe and at home/like a queen on a throne/like i'm your flesh and you're my bone

AlMalik says:
From the Chi to NY // we trade verses like Kanye and Hov, better yet Common and Talib // yeah // back and forth // Mid-West to East Coast // leading the revolution b/c most of our people is savages // rather live for nothing than die for a better life // branded cattle // 400 years to break chains // to replace them with diamond studded hand cuffs // its not enough to leave the hood // Southside, Wild hundreds or Brownsville and Bed-Stuy // our children are the future // which looks dim // when they in and out the prison system

Nicki says:
prison systems systematically attack ours/attract ours with the comfort of structure behind prison bars/the enraged psyches of our afrikan men caged/their manhood disengaged by those afraid of their power/i'm waiting for the day, yes the very hour when afrikans erupt....brimming over like full cups/ready to fight passionately against a system corrupt and hell bent on our destruction and extinction/but our destiny is manifest and calling out for completion...yes let's not rest until we've done our best to reclaim former glory/revoke his-story and invoke our story....we are meant to reign as the gods of this earth/greatness was instilled in us at birth/a lifetime of slavery cannot decrease our worth....we bear treasures untold.....we have but to allow our supremacy to unfold

AlMalik says:
A throne cant hold all the power of your essence // my flesh burns with the fire of desire // to obtain everything my mind cant grab // they stole it, but we must return it // its not a joke or gimmick // history is his story // television still telling lies to our children // desensitizing them to violence and killing // using abortion as genocide wonder why our babies playing with heavy metal // radio stations programming more than responsible

Nicki says:
responsible, unconquerable, with an unquenchable desire to be unstoppable yet steady/these weak fools ain't ready, they overdone like overcooked spaghetti/our seeds will bear fruit and crush their roots, destroy the destroyer that seeks to pollute our air/they try to deciper our serpentine hair and deep science/they try to trick us into compliance with the new world order's aliance...but we see through their deception/our knowledge ingrained since our inception....wisdom hidden beyond their detection/listen to the inflection in my words/my speech takes flight like exotic birds fleeing to freedom beyond this place/landing on the face of god and then being born like lightning in thunder storms/this ain't the norm, it's beyond their understanding/they're the legions of ignorant and we're commanding...like officers of the highest ranks/we bomb them with verbal missiles from mental tanks.

Ha! We're awesome!

Did I miss something? (Originally posted 8-22-05)

I received one phone call from him this weekend (Saturday night) and we spoke for two minutes. He said he would call me back but he never did. Did I miss something? Am I reading too much into this? Now there have been other questionable moments but I ignored them because I just didn't give a shit then. I mean, I had other things going on with other people so I wasn't concerned about his inconsistent behavior. But things are different now. Is this payback? I mean, now that I've decided to make an emotional investment is shit gonna blow up in my face? Now I didn't just decided Thursday to invest, it's actually been an ongoing process, but Thursday was the catalyst. This is what I was afraid of...the not knowing part. This makes me want to leave him a voicemail saying never speak to me again. Afterwards I'll delete and block his numbers and pretend he never existed. That's the coward in me. That's why I keep all my relationships shallow...can't get hurt if you don't care. Anyway, I don't think I'm going to see him today. I figure if we were to see each other, he'd have made contact by now. I'm sliding back into my fuck 'em mode (it doesn't take much). If he calls I'm not going to answer the phone. As a matter of fact, I'm just gonna go out with someone else. Fuck 'em. It's not like he's my man.

In other news...I had a conversation with my ex-husband today. It was a good conversation. We didn't argue or get mad at each other...we had a nice civilized conversation. He knows me better than anyone else on earth. He says I'm too cold, distant and unforgiving. I agreed with him. He also said that when I'm nice I'm too nice. Again, I concurred. He told me I should stop playing games and settle down. I didn't agree with that. I don't play games I just keep my options open. He remarried and had a new baby and I think that's good for him...but I'm not sure I want to remarry. I mean most marriages fail anyway. What's the point? Ultimately I'd like to have an exclusive companion but I'm not sure if that's in the cards.

Other than "Mr. Wonderful" being shady, I had a great weekend. I got to relax, see a bunch of movies, eat some good food, chill with some cool people, have my ego stroked and I found two cute pieces for my Autumn collection. Also, I'm almost finished with Nile Valley Contributions to Civilization...this book is extraordinary! I'll Mos Def reread it. That's all for now.

He gave me the shirt off his back...literally (Originally posted 8-19-05)

He showed up a few hours late and I was pissed. Our time was already short, but because of his tardiness, it was shorter still. My anger partially melted when I opened the door and saw him standing before me with unease knotting his shoulders and sadness etched into his face. He apologized over and over and over again. I played tough cookie and was mildly disinterested in his apologies or sorrow. I was callous but cordial when I invited him in...I wanted him to feel guilty as sin, but secretly, I was so happy to see him. I haven't seen him in almost a month I think. We stood facing each other. Me: stoically silent; him: fidgety and mournful. Since the only air conditioned room in my house is my bedroom, and since the rest of the house is 30 degrees hotter than satan's ass canal, I invited him to the boudoir.

We entered and again stood facing each other. He continued to apologize and took my hands in his, softly caressing my skin. At one point his voice broke and then the tough cookie crumbled. I hemmed and hawed as long as I could, I swear I did! I made him sweat a bit, but shamefully, I didn't last long. I smiled and told him I would forgive him...if he would forgive and forget my past transgressions. He didn't want to...but he did. With all that past we finally embraced.

Ohhhh it was sooo good, so right, so much better than nice...it was perfect. I put my ear to his chest and focused on the rhythm of his heart. At that moment it was beating for me. He held me forever...or so it seemed. Tired of standing, he led me to the bed and sat me on his lap. He hugged me so deep my breath stopped. He touched my lips with his, whispered apologies in my ear and continued to ask my forgiveness. I cannot refuse him. In that moment, I would have given him my spare kidney if he'd asked for it. Then we lay together on the bed and kissed, whispered and enjoyed what little time we had left before he had to go to the airport. I apologized for my past selfish and distant behavior and he forgave me. I nuzzled his neck in an attempt to inhale and forever capture his scent. Not satisfied, I asked if he would give me the shirt off of his back...and he commenced to removing his shirts. He offered both but I only took one...the undershirt; because it was closer to his skin. I inhaled deeply the scent of him. I love the way he smells. He smells like the middle of Spring, the first day of summer, soft June breezes, thunderstorms, the birds singing at dawn, that first spoonful of strawberry sorbet, the laughter of children, the waves lapping at the shore, my favorite jeans, freshly mown grass, the leaves changing colors in Autumn, the first time I recited a poem before a large crowd....he smells like all my many favorite things wrapped up in one aroma. I want to wake up to his scent, fall asleep to his scent, dream about his scent, wrap his scent around my shoulders-breathe-soul deep and never ever lose his scent.


He is getting to me, and I didn't think I could get got again. His smile melts me. He looks so innocent. But he ain't. He's a Scorpio. He studies Tantra and the Kama Sutra. He studies me too. Intently...so intently it makes me fidget and inquire about his thoughts. His answer varies but he usually says something like..."I'm thinking about how wonderful you are", "I'm thinking about how soft your skin is", "I'm thinking about how beautiful you are", etc. But I digress, I kissed his exposed flesh and paid reverence to his imperfect perfection. I was rewarded by his sharp intake of breath and his beautiful voice murmuring my name. He made it sound like a prayer. I enjoy our intimacy without sex. I love our mind sex. I cannot stop thinking about him. He makes me grin big foolish grins. He makes me want to skip and hum nonsense ditties. I feel like a school girl with her first crush, *giggles*

All too soon he had to leave. I missed him before we made it to the front door. I told him so and he didn't want to leave. He didn't leave...right away anyway. He was over a half hour late getting to the airport. After he finally left he called me from the car and we talked as he drove. He promised that we would see each other on Monday. That's an eternity away...but I can make it. He called me several times; his voice gentle each time. I told him he makes me want to be a good girl...as in discontinuing my playgirl ways. He told me there was a time when he thought I cared nothing for him, he thought he was just one of many...lowest man on the totem pole at that. I told him he was my number one draft pick...he didn't find that funny. I confided that I did care for him, deeply in fact. I told him that's one thing he'll never have to question. He caught me off guard when he asked what he should question then. I had to think for a moment. Should he question me? Do I want him to question me? Why would he question me? I emphatically answered that there is nothing in me he should question. He replied, "good". Our conversation ended when he reached the airport to retrieve his cousin. Yes, he was over a half hour late picking his cousin up. But he said it was worth it to spend time with me. I felt bad for his cousin but cheered for me. He called me a little while later to tell me he and his cousin were going to go out on the town and that he would talk to me again soon. Soon won't come soon enough. They're driving to Detroit in a few hours and I won't see him again until Monday. So tonight I will sleep in his shirt remembering how his skin felt against my lips, remembering the cadence of his voice as we conversed...inhaling deeply his scent that smells of all my many favorite things. He gave me the shirt off his back...next I'll ask for his heart.

"Mr. Wonderful" (Originally posted 7-23-05)

I had the most wonderful time with a wonderful man. I will call him "Mr. Wonderful".

We've been hanging out for a few weeks now...he started out as a painkiller for the "O" ache. I like him. He's highly intelligent, sweet, gentlemanly, handsome, a Scorpio, mannerly...so many things to like about him. *Tummy flutters* Rebound? Quite possible. Do I care right now? Not really. He makes me feel good.


So last night, we shared an evening of intimacy without sex or intercourse...it made my spirit soar. At one point in our conversation we spoke on love. How to recognize it, nurture it and keep it. We didn't get as deep as Khalil Gibran, but we did manage to explore fathoms together that otherwise would have gone unchallenged. I told him (as I tell many people) that love and loving are simple to achieve; people make love difficult. A person could fall in love every five minutes if they gave themselves permission to, but they won't and don't. You see, folks are afraid, insecure, selfish, self-centered, etc. Loving requires you to abandon those things (to some extent anyway). Most people can't do that, mainly due to fear. I have no problem loving people and falling in love. Actually, I'm too good at loving people and falling in love. I assume (life hazard, I know) that all people are inherently good and that they have the best intentions. Does that make me extremely optimistic, unrealistic or a naive fool? All three actually, lol. Regardless, I believe there is a tremendous lack of love and loving relationships (of any kind) in the universe.


Getting back to "Mr. Wonderful". So during our conversation (and amidst much caressing, kissing and embracing) he quips that he appreciated me whole heartedly and that he found it very possible to love me. Mind you, we are lying in bed (fully clothed but aroused to the point of critical mass) during this exchange. Though I believe in love and it's power I'm a bit of a skeptic...lust has just as much power too you know. At any rate, his declaration appealed to the romantic in me but it put the skeptic in me on guard. Had we not been in bed in the middle of the night, perhaps I could have believed him with fewer reservations. After all, I'm worthy of love and very lovable. But alas, I am world weary so his words were sweet but just words to me.

In those moments I was so aroused I was ready to throw caution to the wind and rip both our clothes off and take him. But guess what...he wouldn't do it. He said that though the moment seemed ideal, he didn't want either of us to have a shadow of a doubt that sex, was exactly what we both wanted. He went on to say that just like I considered what I had to give to be precious, his body was also a temple and precious...he couldn't just give it on a whim. Well color me stunned...that was definetly a first. A man turning down wet puss from a beautiful mostly ready, willing and able woman? You're thinking what I was thinking right? Dude has hella integrity/morals/values or he's gay. I'm sure it was the former. We didn't have sex (but boy did I want to because I ain't had none in a while). What we did do, was fall asleep in each other's arms after spending the entire evening basking in the glow of one another's company. Regardless of whether he's running game or he's just that decent, I truly did enjoy his company that night and I would do it all again with the same results (no sex). It was one of the most beautiful evenings I've ever had. Intimacy without sex or intercourse.