14 of 30

Though I missed the deadline I'm still trucking on...


 Heart of Mercy


I stared into the depths and there saw my self
My reflection infinity
Hypnotized by my burgeoning divinity
Blessed with an affinity for loving the broken and battered
It never mattered that they left me shattered once I healed them and set them free
For me, the act of restoring is an expression of the god I see in them, those and thee
Though low I sink so much higher shall I soar
Wealth of spirit moving within me, heart of mercy adored
And again, I stared into the depths and there saw my self
Unfathomable

Hurt, but not as hurt as Trent Reznor (Originally posted 1-8-06)

I was reading the blog of one of my Sistah Associates and a song was playing. I don't know the name of the song but it reminded me of Hurt by Nine Inch Nails. Hurt is my wallow song. When I'm mad at the world or just feeling sick and tired, I play Hurt and it reminds me that my life is a beautiful struggle and I wouldn't have it any other way. It also serves as a warning not to wallow too long....the blues ain't no joke for some folks. Poor poor tortured Trent Reznor. Here are the lyrics if you're so inclined to read them:



"Hurt"

I hurt myself today
to see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
the only thing that's real
the needle tears a hole
the old familiar sting
try to kill it all away
but I remember everything

what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end
you could have it all
my empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of shit
upon my liar's chair
full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
beneath the stains of time
the feeling disappear
you are someone else
I am still right here

what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end

you could have it all
my empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
if I could start again
a million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

Although I know that the Universe is conspiring with my energy to manifest things for my highest good, I still get stuck on bullshit sometimes. I am thinking of the disappointments I've experienced over the past few days. I opened myself up to a lot of it by going against my better judgment, but I also realize the world is populated by many low-life ass people. I'm angry, I'm kind of sad, I'm tired, I haven't been sleeping well, I've put on 6 pounds, for the first time in over a month I didn't get a parking space on my block, etc. A whole bunch of insignificant shit is combining to contribute to a fantastically bad mood.

I asked Oya for change and she is handing it to my ass alright. I asked Orunmila for increased intuition...but so far I've not heeded it. I asked Chango and Ogun to protect me from those who would cause me harm...my feelings were hurt this weekend but I'll live. I asked Obatala to make me pure like his white cloth...I've been thinking dirty thoughts all day. I asked my ancestors for guidance...I have no idea what the fuck I'm doing. I asked Yemaya to shower me with her motherly love and she sent me to a women's worshop (that need was fulfilled). I asked Ochun to send me love...the jury is still out on that request. I know that I have to give these things time to manifest but I've also just realized that I have to work to get them. I have to cultivate myself, listen to my Ori (my higher self), love myself and most importantly be patient. 

I have work to do. Fuck stagnation. Strong language makes me feel stronger.

What happened?

That's the question I keep asking myself..."what happened?"

Because something did happen. Something, a big-giant-ominous something came and sat its fat ass right on top of me and squashed me like a bug. It has me feeling some kinda way. Got me second guessing myself. Got me feeling insecure, resentful...fatalistic even. I'm still trying to figure out where it came from...how it all started. I hate this shit. But at the same time...I needed this. See, I have written my best work when I have been mired in misery. Not that I'm miserable right now...I just feel some kind way. I don't know, maybe it's because I haven't seen the sun in days and because I'm still getting over the last vestiges of this terrible cold. Perhaps it's due to the guilt trip my mother tried to levy upon me. But really, it's something I can't quite put my finger on yet. I have the distinct feeling that my life is about to implode. I'm afraid. I prayed about it this morning. I called on everyone...Eshu, Oya, Oshun, Ogun, Obatala, my Egun and Ori. I am so going to need them all very soon. My fingers are trembling as I type this.

Switching tracks....

I got my Blackberry Tour yesterday. It's so totally awesome! I wish it were awesome enough to ease this anxiety. Rats. Can't stop going back to that. I need a hug...and some kisses. And some back strokes and someone murmuring in my ear that everything is going to be okay. "You'll make it through whatever is coming...I know you will because you always do". "I'm here for you if you need me...though I know you're going to be just fine". "Don't worry, I got you". That's what I need right now. But I won't get it. And even though I won't get it...I'll still be just fine. I always am. I've been on my own for a very long time.

Transition (Original post date Saturday, February 26, 2005)

It's amazing how you can know something is going to happen before it actually happens. Earlier this week I knew "O" was going to start with his John Kerry-esque behavior again. When I received the e-mail stating "we need to talk", I knew something wasn't right. Even before the e-mail....I just knew. But I pretended all was well, perhaps because I wanted all to be well. Funny how we lie to ourselves. So here I sit, trying not to be sad because the end that I knew was coming came. I wonder if he's sad? I wonder if he is thinking about me right now? I've been here before. I got over it faster than I thought I would. I still love him fiercely. I don't want to. I want to forget him and maybe pretend like he and I never were. But no, that's just the hurt speaking. I want to one day look back on he and I and smile with no hint of sadness or regret. I am grateful I had the opportunity to know him, love him and spend time with him. He is a beautiful creature. He has some truly deep seated issues, but that does not detract from his light. I told him that he needs to stop hiding his light, afraid someone will snatch it away from him. I also told him that his light is much like a butterfly in the fisted palm of a child. Squeeze too tight and the wings will be crushed and the butterfly will never take flight again; if the butterfly remains imprisoned too long, it will suffocate and die. Either way the light is extinguished. His response was that his butterfly had died long ago and there was no hope of it ever coming back. How sad is that? How tragic that he should think this way. It makes me wonder....what happened to him that he feels so defeated? He is like a shell of a man....a walking husk. I feel for him. I just want to wrap my arms around him and take away his pain, frustrations and fears. But that is not my job. I cannot fix him....I am not his savior. My purpose in his life has been fulfilled and now I must move on. I still love him fiercely. I think I always will. I'm okay with that.