Destroy/Create

I'm not very happy right now. Because I'm not very happy I've not been in the mood to blog or upload videos. My face has become my enemy due to the most awful acne I've had since I was in the 7th grade and well through high school. That picture is from a good face day (no foundation, concealer or photoshopping). Sometimes I don't want to leave my bed let alone the house. My fingers should be bloody from all the job applications I've filled out, my brain hurts due to constant stress and worry and my one comfort is keeping my nose deep in books. Oh, and watching mind numbing shit on television. I've nearly driven my children to mental breakdowns with the many lectures I subject them to about the importance of getting an education and becoming entrepreneurs and not work horses for some wage slave driver. Last hired first fired is no joke...especially when unemployment among black women 20 years and older is at 13.4% (roughly). 

Despite my stress and worries, I try to smile. I try to keep a PMA, but that shit doesn't always fly. I find myself throwing pity parties. My losses over the past two years are the confetti. My mother passed in 2009, I was in an awful car accident that cost me my car and job in 2010, I have horrid head/neck/back pains whenever the weather changes, my brother passed in 2010 and here it is a solid year after my car accident and I'm still unemployed and have yet to see justice done concerning the old bat who rammed me twice with her car. Yep, that's pity party confetti. 


After the party, I put a spin on things. I tell myself that I have just undergone what amounts to a physical/spiritual volcanic eruption. Although volcanoes destroy everything in their wake in a hellish fiery molten liquid fury...they also create new land masses. Beautiful black sand beaches have been created by volcanic eruptions. When all has been cooled and calmed down, life springs forth from "the ruin". This is what I tell myself because this is what I have seen on those nature shows on public television. I've also seen it in Encyclopedia Brittanica (back before Google and Wikipedia). I have even seen this in my own life.

I have been laid off 4 times in the past 10 years. I have struggled mightily. I have been rocked to my foundation, brought low, crushed. But somehow...I always bounce back. Granted, in the past, the bounce never took so long as this current upheaval. I suppose that's what's really bothering me. Wondering when this shit will be over and I'll be back on solid ground. It's hard to keep a PMA when you have two growing teens who need tons of food and clothing for their ever growing bodies. Let's not even talk about upcoming college tuition. Sometimes I feel fucked and PMA can't be spoon fed to hungry mouths. But I'm devolving again. This is supposed to be uplifting me.


I read something today that shined a light in my darkness...

"This month I choose to only see positive energy wherever I go. If a problem comes up, I repeatedly say: All is well. Everything is working out for my highest good. Out of this experience, only good will come. I am safe. By repeating this, I calm down and give the Universe time to fix the situation in the best possible way for all. My life is a joy!" - Louise L. Hay

And I want to know deep down in the primal parts of my soul that this is true. But sometimes I'm not so sure. But that's the pessimist in me right? I need to kill her so the optimistic realist can thrive...right? Yeah. Now I'm going to go don a billowy gossamer gown and flower garland and dance in a beautiful meadow. < end sarcasm >

I'm sick :-(

Source

How cute is that kitteh? He looks exactly like the cute little 7 month stray that found his way to my door earlier this week. As much as I loved that cute little nugget (and that's what I named him), I had to take him to the animal shelter after the third day. I'm allergic to most furry animals and with me being sick, Nugget aggravated an already aggravating situation. I miss his cute little self though. Here are a few pictures of Nugget, my Sun, myself and my BFF...

The little nugget

How cute is he? The little rascal was very high energy and loved to run and pounce on EVERYTHING. He was also very affectionate, he loved to jump up into my lap and have me pet him. He had this vibrating purr that reminded me of race car engines, lol.

Here's Nugget bonding with my Sun, me and my BFF. He loved my BFF the best, lol.

I really miss the little nugget but I don't miss the itchy nose, eyes and tons of cat fur floating around. I'm sure someone will adopt him and love him as much (if not more) than I did. but other than that...

I caught a really bad upper respiratory infection from my Sun and daughter last week and I have been so out of commission it's sad. I don't get sick often but when I do, it's usually really bad...and what I'm dealing with is pretty damn bad. As a result of this, I haven't felt like doing much of anything other than drinking lots of hot tea, eating tons of chicken noodle soup and trying to rest. Despite all my efforts though (and plenty of home remedies) I don't seem to be getting better. My next step is to go to a doctor (I hate western medicine) and accept the bottle of antibiotics I know they're going to prescribe. This will no doubt cause additional problems (hello yeast infection, ugh!).

Before I got sick, I filmed a video about an issue that's been weighing heavy on my heart for a while. Check it out...

This video doesn't even begin to scratch the surface about body image, self-esteem, healthy vs. unhealthy habits, etc. but, it's a start. Conversations need to be had, especially with teen girls, about how to maintain their health and self-esteem. Just like there's a natural hair movement picking up steam and empowering women, there should be a movement to empower women and girls to accept/love themselves and respect their journeys. Let's encourage one another starting today!

16 of 30

Deadlines are dead but the poetry lives on...


Divorced

Fuck jesus
I wept
Shed blood and tears to make the unworkable work
I put in work
Worked my fingers to the bloody bone
Ground my shoulders against the boulders until my heart felt like stone
A marriage of misery and deceit
You trod upon my loyalty with glad feet
Me pregnant with our possibilities harboring hostility because of your infidelity
I sang sweet melodies to our child in utero hoping my tear stained voice would help her to grow
Grow into the woman I was not at that time
I whined, begged, pleaded to be needed by you
Cooked your food, ironed your clothes and fucked you too
Not enough, not good enough, I took enough of your shit to start a swine farm
When you grabbed, shook and pushed my autonomic nervous system rang an alarm
Time to go
Pack and don't look back
Take the babies and flee
And life became real
I faced it with zeal
Free of of the enslavement I traded my maiden name for
Closed the door on the poor girl who knew not womanhood
I stood on my own, made a home for me and my seeds
Free of you and your misdeeds
And now I am triumphant
I weep no more

12 of 30

I recently accepted a challenge created by one of my twitter friends called 30 in 30. The idea is to write/post a new poem every day for 30 days. This promises to be very interesting for me seeing as how I've been going through some personal struggles as of late. At any rate, here's my eleventh offering...

Valid

No, I'm not sorry.

I feel what I feel. It's real.

I won't be dismissed.

Jezebel (including a series of Haiku )

You're only part time
No more than his sideline ho
How's that working out?

When he kisses you
You're tasting me on his lips
Savor my flavor

You're a scavenger
No better than a buzzard
I'm a lioness

You settle for scraps
Delighting in second place
You should kill yourself

Sad sad Jezebel
You try so very hard too
Poor attention whore

When it comes to cheating...I've been on both sides of the fence. I've been the main chick, the mistress and the clueless love blind fool. Most of my dirt was done in my early to mid 20's though. Maturity and karma tend to make you want to do better. Over the past few years I've been running into way too many Jezebels. The Jezebel is a female that preys upon men who are involved and/or men that other women have expressed an interest in. I was once  possessed by the Jezebel spirit. It started when I was 19. Typically, Jezebels are young insecure females who need lots of outside validation. They're usually easy to recognize because they thrive on being the center of attention. You'll find Jezebels sporting provocative clothing, speaking in breathy/whispery voices, accentuating physical attributes that induce males to think about copulating, posting risque pictures on the internet, etc. These methods are often used by the pigeon class of Jezebels. The more sophisticated vulture class of Jezebel is cunning and shrewd. The vulture class Jezebel employs pseudo intellect as well as over-sexualization (seduction) as a method to entrap males. I know...I've done it, so I recognize it when I see it. Sadly, the life of a Jezebel is not a happy one. They are often disappointed because their prey's attention cannot be sustained for long with such tomfoolery. Real relationships cannot be built upon trickery and shallowness.

I recently stumbled into the path of a vulture class Jezebel. It wasn't a pleasant experience, but it was mos def eye opening. This was one of the cleverest and most beguiling ulture Jezebels I'd ever encountered. She peddles her wares under the guise of "consciousness" and sisterhood. How wretched. Thinking her nothing more than what she appeared to be (a warm "conscious" sistah), I began sharing with her about a brotha I was very much interested in. He and I had been building for a while and I was quite smitten and loathe to keep my crush to myself. Big mistake. Shortly after I shared this information with her, the aforementioned brotha told me that she sent him private messages inquiring about the goings on between he and I. I thought that odd seeing as how she could have (nay, should have) asked me. Suspect behavior. Over the next couple weeks I noticed that whenever I mentioned the name of a male she would develop an interest in him. She gave her phone number to someone I once dated and was still very close to, she even reached out to my ex-boyfriend. Cause for concern? Not so much, but it did make me feel some kinda way. What bothered me most was what I perceived as flirty behavior between this vulture Jezebel and the brotha I was building with. I started paying closer attention to this female and noticed she had Jezebel tendencies. I wasn't the only one who noticed either. Since I used to be a Jezebel, I can usually spot them and determine their class. At any rate, I started to dislike this young female. I have no problem with flirting, I do it myself. I do, however, have a problem with females knowingly flirting with men they KNOW their so-called "favorite sistah" is interested in. Not cool. *Sidenote* She once told me about a brotha she was interested in. I scoped him but never said a word to him. I don't clown like that anymore. Since I'm not fond of devious females, I kept my interactions with this young vulture Jezebel at a minimum. Why bother interacting at all you ask? Well despite being a Jezebel, she shared a lot of interesting information with those she was acquainted with. How unfortunate that she hadn't internalized more of the sisterhood ideologies she espoused.

Wrapping it up. This young vulture Jezebel must have noticed that I started keeping her at arm's length (which is what you're supposed to do with snakes) because just a few days ago, she called herself putting me on blast. She claimed (without using my name) that I didn't like her (true), that I hated her (untrue) and that I was jealous of her (untrue). Never once did she acknowledge her devious behavior. Most Jezebels, regardless of class, are unaware that they are in fact Jezebels. They think their deviant behavior is acceptable and inoffensive. They're in for a rude awakening. I know I received mine. So I'm not at all surprised by her self-righteous spiel nor her egotistical outlook. That's typical Jezebel behavior.

In summation, I've learned from this most recent Jezebel encounter to keep my "crushes" to myself. I've also learned that males are just as susceptible to Jezebels today as they were when I was a young Jezebel. I'm still building with that brotha by the way, though he often catches hell from me for encouraging the vulture Jezebel.

That's all I have to say about that.

What love is/ain't? (Originally posted 4-26-06)

I'm like you, I write too. It could be a limmerick or a haiku. My pen is swift and delivers true, if you try to bite my shit I'll fight you. Sometimes I rhyme but most times I don't, I could write a few paragraphs but today I won't. I'm just sitting here keystyling today, I should be working but I want to play. I write what I feel, think and see. I write some for you but mostly for me. I write to release, I write when I'm tense, I write to ease the pressure when nothing makes sense. I write to ease the pain and diffuse my anger, when I don't write away the blues I feel like my spirit is in danger. Sometimes I write like a wordsmith and sometimes I write like a novice, but everything I write comes from within...that's a promise. Today is an example of my less polished pieces, no one will confuse this for a dissertation or thesis. My grammar sucks and my spelling is sometimes off, but most can grasp my flow without getting lost.

Yeah, okay that's enough of that, lol. Today I want to talk about love. What is it about that little word that can cause so much big trouble? People have fought and died for love. People search their entire lives for love. Hell folks will even murder for love...or so some lunatics have claimed. "Love made me do it". I once had a very vivid dream about a man who murdered another man because he "loved" a woman so much. I wrote a poem about it and I would share it right now but I don't know where it is. But you see how passionate, how dedicated, how absolutely intense (obsessive) love can make some folks?

Love will make you do some crazy shit. Love will make you let down your guard even though you're scared as hell, love will make you slap a bitch, love will make you cut a fool. Once love (and a little bit of anger and of course mucho self-defense) made me almost beat a bitch to death. I was once involved with a man who just had to have more than one woman. She knew about me but I didn't know about her until later. One night I was at "my man's house" and she showed up...with a knife (unbeknownst to me at the time). Now I'm no punk but I ain't crazy either, so I called the cops just off GP. This was new jack city type stuff to me, I'd never been there, never done that and mos def didn't get the t-shirt/keychain/coffee mug. I don't know why, but he opened the door and let her in the house. Why would he do that? Well I'm not one to be punked so I went up to her and tried to kick her out, I didn't put my hands on her, I pitched something she gave him "two years prior" (per him) out the door hoping she'd follow it. Wrong move on my part because that bitch snapped. There was at least a foot of space between us and she launched herself at me. Now I just happened to be in various states of undress (it was well after midnight and he and I had been in the bed doing "it") so I was at a disadvantage. This chick got her hands in my hair and knocked me to the floor by kneeing me in the stomach. I have to tell you that after my breath whooshed out I saw darkness like Rick James whenever he looked at Eddie and Charlie Murphy. When I felt her tugging at my hair I saw R E D. No one touches my hair in a threatening manner...no one. I balled my fists up and started pummeling this chick in every soft spot I could find. When that didn't get her off me, I used my nails to claw her face/neck/arms, when that didn't work I started pulling her hair out, when that didn't work I used my fists and knees together. The whole time this punk ass muhfucka is in the background telling her to get off me. I was laying on the floor underneath her screaming, "I'ma kill both y'all bitches when I get up off this floor". It's kinda hard to fight when you're damn near butt ass naked and pinned to the floor. Her blood started dripping into my face and getting in my eyes so I had to close my eyes but I kept pounding on her. Still, she would not let me up. All this time the front door was open and the next thing I know, 8 cops come running in with guns drawn and big voices booming. It took 4 of those male cops to get this chick off me and the whole time I am still punching her with one hand, kicking her and clawing her with the other hand. She was BERSERK. They finally got her on her stomach and managed to cuff her and I got a good look at her. She was fucccccccked up. Both her eyes were swollen shut, her lip was busted, she had large patches in her head from where I'd ripped out her hair, scratches and gouges in her face from where I'd clawed her and she was just a bloody fucking mess. But despite it all, the bitch would not get off me. Now that's love for you. She took a serious ass kicking from me that night. The cops cuffed all 3 of us. I was mad as hell and screaming my half naked fool head off. I was just way beyond indignant. How the hell they gonna cuff me and I ain't got on no damn clothes...obviously I belonged there! Vagina all out and shit! Well they hauled me off to the back of the house so I could put something on and I was able to glance in the mirrror. I was very surprised at what I saw. My face was burning because the chick took her hands out of my hair long enough to scratch my face but there wasn't nearly as much damage as I expected. I was missing some hair too but not as much as she was. Don't get me wrong now, I was scratched the hell up but not nearly as I should have been for someone pinned to the floor by a maniac. The lady cop sat me down and told me to tell her what happened...so I did. She took the cuffs off me and they brought Mr. Punk Ass Muhfucka into the kitchen to get his story. He was still cuffed. Do you know this mofo had the nerve to say HE DIDN'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED! "They just started fighting", he says. I jumped off the chair so fast it flipped backwards, I was gonna kill that punk ass muhfucka! Good thing the lady cop was between us. She told me to stop screaming and calm down or she'd put the cuffs back on me. I sat my ass down. One of the male cops came into the kitchen and told me that due to the nature of the crazy chick's injuries I could be arrested but because she was technically trespassing and she had a weapon, I was getting away with self-defense. He told me she had severe lacerations that may require stitches, I'd almost broken her nose and I'd knocked out one of her teeth. I smiled at that but I kept quiet. I wanted to kill that bitch. I wanted to fuck him up too because that bitch came with a knife to put a serious hurting on me. I was hot. I pressed charges...he didn't. I wanted a restraining order but he wouldn't cooperate so they wouldn't give me one.

Ain't that a bitch? Three different people, all of them in various stages of love and all of them willing to go the distance to protect it. I found out later that that crazy bitch left her 5 year old daughter at home alone to come and take me out. How the hell she know I was gonna be there? He loved her so much though that he refused to back me up in court. Me, well I just looked like a damn fool. I loved him so much I overlooked things I shouldn't have and believed him when he told me I was the only one. Hmm. Perhaps that was just foolishness on my part.


At any rate. Do you see how love is? Love will drive you to do things that you normally wouldn't do. Love will make you blind. Love will make you protect folks even when they are dead wrong. But more than anything...love perseveres. After that incident I dropped that dude like he had Bubonic plague and he got back with his crazy knife wielding ex. They later broke up and he called me trying to get back but I now had the t-shirt/coffee mug/keychain. More important...I loved myself too much to even consider taking him back.



Fast forward to Wednesday, April 26, 2006......I am in love with a wonderful man. He is not perfect by any means, but he strives. Now I wouldn't cut a bitch for him but I will beat a bitch to death for myself. I realize that there are going to be challenges that he and I will face both as a couple and as individuals, but I am confident that he and I can do it together. Love brought us together, love will keep us together....we'll fight for that love.

 

Divine Speech A.K.A. MDW NTR (Originally posted 4-19-06)

"I can't live simply because I was born, I want to live because I have a dream."

    What is your dream? Are you living or merely surviving? Are you greeting each day with a smile despite the challenges and revelling in the possibilities of triumph? Are you dreading the trials and sulking because your present life doesn't fit your ideal life?  If the latter sounds like you, you need to get your mind right. Going through the fire purifies you, trials and tribulations are springboards that propel you into glorious opportunities for growth. Change your attitude and you can change your life! Always remember that the universe is conspiring with YOUR energy to either bring your dreams to fruition or destroy them. You want change? Speak change into your life! Practice that Divine Speech A.K.A. MDW NTR. Make speaking your dreams into existence an everyday routine like brushing your teeth and washing your face. At night predetermine your tomorrow. Seek alignment with your Ori  (your higher self). You can do this! You don't need help from anyone outside yourself...you can do this on your own. You just have to decide...to do it. Wake up in the morning and say, "Something better than what I possess at this moment in life is now manifesting for my highest good". But don't just speak it...believe it. Know it. Live it. Feel it! Have an image in your head as you speak, feel and know that all of your dreams can and will come true! Mine did and still are. I trust that y'all can and will be happy, prosperous, strong, victorious, surronded by love and walking in light....If I think you can YOU SHOULD KNOW YOU CAN! I love all of y'all! Walk in peace, abundance, light and love. Bless up!

Bedtime Story (Originally posted 1-13-06 but still relevant today)

Once there was a cat and a scorpion sitting on a riverbank. The scorpion asked the cat to carry him across the river because he couldn't swim. The cat said, "No, I won't carry you across the river, you're a scorpion, you'll sting me and kill me". The scorpion assured the cat that he wouldn't sting her, so the cat agrees to carry the scorpion across the river. The scorpion climbs on the cat's back and they start across the river. Halfway across the river the scorpion stings the cat and the cat screams out in pain, "You fool, now we're both going to drown and die, why did you sting me?" The scorpion said, "I'm a scorpion, I can't help myself". 

I gave the scorpion a ride even though I knew he was going to sting me and kill me, so I effectively killed myself. I'm not sure how many more lives I have but I do know I'm tired of dying.

Today's Advice

Develop emotional diarrhea and let that shit GO! Just let it go! Emotional repression is poison to the body, mind and spirit. Don't believe me? Look around you. So many of us are walking wounded, nursing years old pain with insufficient mental compresses and bandages. Just let it go. Aren't you tired? Aren't you weary? Reach out! Why be afraid to need someone? Why be afraid to speak? Give voice to that pain and LET IT GO! It's 2009 soon to be 2010, cut the bullshit. It's time y'all....it's time.

Hurt, but not as hurt as Trent Reznor (Originally posted 1-8-06)

I was reading the blog of one of my Sistah Associates and a song was playing. I don't know the name of the song but it reminded me of Hurt by Nine Inch Nails. Hurt is my wallow song. When I'm mad at the world or just feeling sick and tired, I play Hurt and it reminds me that my life is a beautiful struggle and I wouldn't have it any other way. It also serves as a warning not to wallow too long....the blues ain't no joke for some folks. Poor poor tortured Trent Reznor. Here are the lyrics if you're so inclined to read them:



"Hurt"

I hurt myself today
to see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
the only thing that's real
the needle tears a hole
the old familiar sting
try to kill it all away
but I remember everything

what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end
you could have it all
my empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of shit
upon my liar's chair
full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
beneath the stains of time
the feeling disappear
you are someone else
I am still right here

what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end

you could have it all
my empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
if I could start again
a million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

Although I know that the Universe is conspiring with my energy to manifest things for my highest good, I still get stuck on bullshit sometimes. I am thinking of the disappointments I've experienced over the past few days. I opened myself up to a lot of it by going against my better judgment, but I also realize the world is populated by many low-life ass people. I'm angry, I'm kind of sad, I'm tired, I haven't been sleeping well, I've put on 6 pounds, for the first time in over a month I didn't get a parking space on my block, etc. A whole bunch of insignificant shit is combining to contribute to a fantastically bad mood.

I asked Oya for change and she is handing it to my ass alright. I asked Orunmila for increased intuition...but so far I've not heeded it. I asked Chango and Ogun to protect me from those who would cause me harm...my feelings were hurt this weekend but I'll live. I asked Obatala to make me pure like his white cloth...I've been thinking dirty thoughts all day. I asked my ancestors for guidance...I have no idea what the fuck I'm doing. I asked Yemaya to shower me with her motherly love and she sent me to a women's worshop (that need was fulfilled). I asked Ochun to send me love...the jury is still out on that request. I know that I have to give these things time to manifest but I've also just realized that I have to work to get them. I have to cultivate myself, listen to my Ori (my higher self), love myself and most importantly be patient. 

I have work to do. Fuck stagnation. Strong language makes me feel stronger.

I apologize (Originally posted on 11-14-05)

I apologize for mistreating you and being inconsiderate of your feelings. I apologize for not listening to you and going against your advice when I knew you were right. I apologize for knowing your worth but ignoring it. I apologize for putting you through unnecessary bullshit time and time again. I apologize for making you cry. I apologize for isolating you when what you really needed was the comfort of others. I apologize for disrespecting you repeatedly. I apologize for ridiculing you. I apologize for trying to destroy your spirit. I apologize for not honoring you. I apologize for being impatient. I apologize Nicole, for not loving you as much as you need, as hard as you need, as deep as you need as often as you need. I apologize Nicole, for allowing others to mistreat you, defeat you, use you, make a fool of you. I apologize Nicole, for not saying what needed to be said when it needed to be said. I apologize for not doing what needed to be done when it needed doing. I apologize for it all and I promise you that from here on out...things will be different. I love you Nicole.

Sometimes in order to move on, in order to facilitate healing, in order to forgive ourselves....we need to apologize to ourselves. We need to remember to love and honor ourselves. We need to recognize the divine in ourselves. We need to fall in love with ourselves at the crack of each dawn and love ourselves well past dusk. We need to recognize our own worth and never forget it. Love yourself today. Love yourself every day like that day is going to be the last day.

I hate swine...the subhuman kind (Originally posted 11-8-05)

Is it just me or are all black people paranoid when it comes to cops? This morning while driving to work, there were cops every damn where. Now even though I hadn’t done anything, I felt guilty and afraid that without warning these dirty pigs were going to swoop down on me with merciless fury. I know that’s a little melodramatic….call it echoes from my revolutionary past life experiences. I don’t know but being in close proximity to cops makes my blood run cold. Behind my eyes I see the bullet riddled bodies of innocent men, women and children gunned down by crooked cops. I see the five-o directing fire hoses at peaceful demonstrators, children being tasered to the ground, billy clubs cracking black skulls open. Okay I know this is bordering on morbid so I’ll stop with the descriptions. The point is, I don’t trust or like cops. I never met a decent cop.



I dated a narcotics dick for a couple months last year and he was as crooked as they come. He openly admitted to me that he planted evidence on suspects, shook down drug dealers and confiscated money seized from raids. I was with him when he got the call that 5 of his equally crooked buddies were arrested by internal affairs. He was afraid they were going to snitch on him. He was also obsessed with me. He would call me 30 and 40 times a day asking me where I was and what I was doing, he always wanted to know what I was wearing...shit, on our fist date he masturbated my ring finger and told me I was "The One" and that he needed to get something to keep my finger warm. Talk about crazy. Oh, he was also in the army. I was afraid of his crazy ass. One night he got really drunk and tried to rape me. I knew if he succeeded there was no way I could go to the police because he's one of them, no one would ever believe me...

He was drunk as hell that night and acting stupid. He was also pissed because we'd been going out for a while (he considered 5 weeks a while) and I wouldn't have sex with him. I should have seen it coming. The man was so damn drunk that he could barely stand up but I swear he was like He-Man or some shit. We were lying on the bed (fully clothed) in his rec room watching Eddie Murphy dvd's. He started rubbing on me and trying to kiss me. I was not in the least amused or aroused. I still don't know why I decided to stay when I realized how wasted he was. Perhaps it was because he begged me...I like when they beg. At any rate, drunk as he was, I had to fight him off for over 5 minutes. The part that scared me was after he passed out from the struggle, I got up and took his gun out of the holster on the floor and put the muzzle to his head. Never in my life had I so strongly desired nor been so close to killing anyone. I swear I wanted to splash his brains all over that fucking room. But I didn't. That's life in prison if you murder a narc, maybe even death. I dropped the gun and just left. I didn't report it either. The next day he called me sounding nice as pie and asked me why I'd left. He didn't remember a damn thing. So I told him that he almost died that night and if he knew what was good for him he'd stay the fuck away from me.

He continued to call me every day 20-30 times a day for the next 2 weeks. I still look over my shoulder sometimes. But I digress….I cannot stand cops. Not just because of my limited personal experiences with them, but also because of all the things I have seen and heard. They are not to be trusted. Few of them are even human beings anymore. Just badges, guns and bad attitudes. God be with the next black man they pull over for "reasonable cause". We should all have dash mounted camcorders for our own safety.

Ignorance...bliss? (Originally posted 10-24-05)

 

Though I saw, I made myself blind. Though I heard, I made myself deaf. Will I continue in ignorance that isn't ignorance that lacks bliss or will I tuck the hurt in my back pocket, say fuck it and kick rocks to a new destination? Metaphorically speaking of course. I have this queasy, ugly, funky feeling in the pit of my stomach. Why? Why must people/things be so complicated? Why, when things can be simple, and lovely, and whole, and right do people have to go and fuck it up? People should either be straight up or take their crooked asses to the next jawn. Don't hold on to what you have because you're waiting for something better to show up...just let that shit go. Shit why am I even asking why? I have the power to let the shit go...but I hesitate. Why? Is it really that deep? Is it really worth hanging on? How long do I have to wait for it to get better, for the bullshit to stop stinking, for the deceit to stop deceiving? I swear I've been trying. I've been so good, so true, so "perfect", just not perfect enough. I say the words and mean them. I touch and feel it. I give and give and give and give until it hurts and then I turn around and give some gotdamn more. What do I get in return? A metaphorical knife in the gotdamn back. The world is a small place you know. Made smaller by virtue of the internet. Some muthufuckas should think about that when they say and do what they say and do. But let me slow my roll, turn my frown upside down and....take this back, back, back, back. The man that angers you conquers you. People only do to you what you allow them to. What's done in the dark comes to light. Fool me once shame on you; fool me twice shame on me. What you sow; so shall you reap. If it ain't right; it's wrong. Don't trouble trouble until trouble troubles you. What to do? Fuck this.

Hi, my name is...(Originally posted 7-18-05)

My name is Nicki and I have a problem. It is called Approachingdirtythirtyitis Syndrome. Symptoms include but are not limited to:

Highly overactive libido

Increased dermal sensitivity

Perpertual state of arousal

Heavy breathing

Ravenous sexual appetite

Howling at the moon

Constant self-pleasuring (when not involved in a committed relationship)

Continuous sexual fantasizing

Relentless male crotch watching

Unremitting lip licking

Persistent come hither looks directed at appropriate male population

Etc.



There is no cure, but regular sexual intercourse (regualr being 1-2 times a day everyday) may control some of these symptoms. To learn more about Approachingdirtythirtyitis Syndrome or to make charitable contributions to the Approachingdirtythirtyitis Syndrome Foundation, please contact approachingdirtythirtyitissyndrome.org. Your time, contributions and cooperation are greatly appreciated.

;-)

"O"...it's "O"ver (Originally posted 7-11-05)

On my momma I don't play with people. He has been told about himself and his numbers have been deleted. And I didn't even have to speak to him. Four words is all it took. No cursing, no rants...just four words. And because I know he'll call and I have no intention of answering the phone, I'm removing my voice from all my voicemail greetings. I won't give him the satisfaction of hearing my voice again. Yeah I'm cold, distant and unforgiving...and I don't give a fuck. Real talk.

Random Mental Ejaculate (Originally posted 7-9-05)

(Another piece composed for "O". Also recited at several open mics)
(By the way, that's "O" up there. Nice right?)




It's 8:56 P.M. and tonight is a night for random thoughts. I am thinking of Him. His voice....damn, I feel it touching me. Stroking me with almost fluid smoothness. It caresses the woman I am and the woman I wish to become. I want Him...all of Him. Not just His dick, but all of Him. I want His mind, spirit, emotions, regrets, fears, dreams, even His children's children. I want His body like I want my soul to be free. I want all He is and was...I want everything He ever will be. He is made up of things I wanted, received then cast away. He is made up of the past, present and future. Now that I am becoming what I am meant to be I can appreciate all that He is and will be. I have to be blatantly honest......I want to fuck Him mentally, spiritually, emotionally and physically. I want to get so deep inside of Him that we won't be able to tell where He ends and I begin. I want Him to do the same. I want Him hilt deep inside of me, exploring every crack, crease, crevice and corner of my being. I want to build something with Him. I want to plant seeds with Him and just sit back and watch them grow. I want Him to want me like I want Him. I want to breathe Him in and out 24-7-365. I want to share my world with Him. There's nothing I wouldn't do for Him or give to Him. When I think of Him clichés come to mind, shit like....He's so fly if I jumped off a 20 story building He could catch me in mid-air. And He's gonna have to catch me because I'm falling...for Him. My thoughts have been taken hostage by His presence and my mental meanderings begin and end with He and I becoming us. He is incredible; unforgettable...sonnets should be composed and dedicated to the rich blackness of His skin and hair. He is as close to perfection as I can imagine but as far from perfect as any man is. I cannot define Him...that would limit Him and His abilities. His fascination with my hips, lips and eyes cause rivulets of arousal to drip from between my thighs. He makes love to me with his words and croons impassioned tunes with His eyes. I feel His hands and know bliss. Even in my most fanciful conceptions I never knew it could be like this. Most times I cannot articulate the sentiments He inspires. It seems like everything I desire to say about Him has already been said. The words I want to use have been taken by someone else...uttered by strange deceitful lips so that now they're unfit when trying to describe what He is to me. The best I can do to relate His traits is play songs by Jill Scott and India Arie. But I must take a stab at it. He makes me dream dreams and think the impossible is possible damn it. He makes me want to simultaneously sink and float...fly sky high and get down and dirty. I want to suck His soul through His dick and let His essence dwell in me forever. Yes, I'm talking about tantric love and Kama Sutric sex. I want Him literally, figuratively, virtually and realistically. I just...I just....damn I just want to have Him, hold Him, get under His skin and make myself at home. I want us to be deeper than friends/lovers, higher than a husband/wife and truer than soul mates. I don't care about the haves and the have nots, the past disappointments or possible future failures...I just want Him. I want Him like I want to breathe my next breath of fresh air.



This is for my black aphrodisiac of a muse, his John Kerry-esque tendencies have me all confused....body of a god and fickle heart of a man, it's all I can stand to not shout his name from the rooftops and carve his heart encased name in trees. He has the kind of good stuff that makes me want to spend the rest of my life on my knees. If he says the word it's his exclusively.

Nothing Special (Denial) (Originally posted July 9, 2005)

You are nothing special
Though my heart races at the thought of you...
Though being in close proximity to you makes me weak...
You are nothing special
I am simultaneously attracted and repelled by you
Your voice pacifies me but your mild contempt for my views alienates me, riles me and inspires in me the need to debate until I'm blue in the face
But...you are nothing special
Though thoughts of you keep sleep at bay during the long nights...
Though we can speak on nothing at all for hours on end...
You are nothing special
Remembrances of you and how you touched me mind, body and spirit eradicate all others from my subconscious
You have seduced me senseless with your intellect...your very presence leaves me breathless
Still...
You are nothing special
I slept with my nose pressed into the sheets we fucked upon for two nights after your departure
The mattress was soaked through with our sweat
Our perspiration commingled with your cologne, my perfume and the musky funk of spilled cum made drifting off to sleep and dreams of you oh so sweet...
And yet, I continue to make claims that...
You are nothing special

I'm an Afrikan! (Originally posted June 22, 2005)

Ghana West Africa, the home of my spirit/i`ve drawn sneers and jeers when i confess i`ve never been near it/must i trace my lineage to prove my Afrikan worth?/bob marley`s spiritual home is Ethiopia though Jamaica saw his birth/i claim no royal Afrikan birthright, i have no idea if my ancient kin sat on thrones/i do know this though, Africa is in my blood and bones/my heritage was stolen from me but i`m fighting to gain it back/i don`t claim negro as my race and my ethnic category isn`t black/these are lables placed on me by a society that ignores my legacy/ameriKKKa is a bloated wh*re like a woman in her last month of pregnancy/a nation of greedy political gluts/ sucking off the natural resources of other countries like back alley sl*ts/some will say ameriKKKa love it or leave it/but i`m staying right here where my ancestors died to conceive it/this land is tilled with the blood of more than my people you know/consider if you will the chinese, mexicans and the native dwellers who were forced to come and go/but it doesn`t stop there, the colonization is worldwide/ameriKKKa has its long greedy fingers in many foreign pies/do some research and you`ll find some interesting facts/ameriKKKa is f*cking over the world like prostitutes on their backs......

I'm a fool...(Originally posted June 18, 2005)

So not only did I write this for "O", I also recited it at the open mic night I frequent. He was speechless when he finally heard it...


I'm sitting at my desk thinking about this love of mine/he's captured my heart and he stays on my mind/I wish I could find...a way to break free/he's mastering the art of enslaving me/too bad I can't develop some bravery....and just walk away/needless to say, I stay, his feelings are neither black or white....they're gray/he's unsure but I decided....I love him too much to try and hide it/I confided....in him, revealed my heart and spoke some words/he heard....but did he listen?/I hate when people don't pay attention/no wonder we women feel like we're in a competition....we compete with the agony of men's past failed relationships and emotional defeat/how can I convince him that I won't repeat.....the mistakes they made/why the hell is he so afraid?/didn't I prove I was different when I laid......my heart bare before him?/why must he he compare me to them?/I guess when you swim....with sharks often enough your exterior has to be tough/he needs to cut me some slack though because I've had enough/he’s playing tug-o-war with my affections/while he hides his from my detection/protection....from me is unnecessary/I know love can be scary....but scarier still is life lived in constant fear/I'm here.....so near he can reach out and touch me/I want to be his lifeline....when he feels like he's drowning he can reach out and clutch me/hell he doesn't have to pay all the time, he can go dutch with me/I have his back, I'll ride or die and be his RBG chick/I'll stick....with him through thick and thin/be there when he needs me again and again and again/his lover and his friend/his erection softener/I'll give it to him more often....than her.....and those and them/all the ones that didn't love him....the way he deserved/I've reserved....myself for him/though I could be with many others, my fire and desire rest in him/I'm my best with him....our vibe is so right....we can talk all night....not get any sleep...and still manage to be deep....I weep....at the thought of his lips on my shoulder blade/he is one of the most beautiful creatures God has ever made/his skin is as black as midnight skies/he induces my impassioned cries....when he thrusts his soul in between my thighs/his eyes....I could get lost in their depths.....but one more missed step, and he'll lose me forever/if he can't get it together I'll find someone better....

It seems like a mighty long time...(Monday, May 16, 2005)

Since I've had anything to say. I've been in a funk lately. For a long time now actually. Remember that man I was so sprung on? Yeah, well my head is all fucked up over him. That pisses me off because usually I'm pretty resilient. I keep telling myself there was nothing great or spectacular about him (other than the mind numbing, earth shattering, heaven-help-me-because-I'm-going-straight-to-hell, incredibly orgasmic sex we had). In truth, this man was like an extension of me. I feel like a part of me is gone. I mean, whenever something good/bad/stupid/incredible/funny/or whatever happened to me, he was the first person I called and vice versa. We talked about everything, he was (prepare for overused cliche) the Ying to my Yang, we were like Siamese fucking twins...or so I thought. He was one of my best friends and now...he's gone. Why can't I just get over him? I can't even look at anther man without feeling revulsion. This is not good. My ability to create has damn near shriveled to nothingness and I spend too much damn time thinking about his ass. I know he's not thinking about me, not missing me, not giving a shit if I live or die...so why is it I'm here still pining after him? A friend of mine told me the best way to get over one man is with another...but I can't do it. Just the thought of another man touching me makes me sick to my stomach...literally. That is why I've been spending so much time alone. I go out alone, I stay in alone, I shop alone...shit I haven't even wanted to get myself off. You know, I'm starting to believe this muthufucka put roots on me or something, lol. Maybe he buried a pair of my drawls in his backyard. I have only had it this bad one other time and that was after my first love and I broke up.

Several weeks ago I hung out with a friend of mine and he told me I had it bad. Now I didn't mention the man that has my head all fucked up whatsoever and I was in a spectacularly good mood, but somehow my friend intuited that I was in a bad way. Of course I was offended. I was like, how dare you imply that I don't have my shit together. The kid doesn't lose it over any man...believe that! Well, he just looked at me like I was a fool and laughed and said, "keep telling yourself that if it makes you feel better." Well I don't feel better fuck you very much! I'm telling you that I am through with love and men. Period. Done. Finito. I cannot lose my head like this again, I don't like how it feels. I don't like feeling out of control and vulnerable. I don't like having my fucking feelings crushed...I'm usually the crusher. Maybe that's why I'm going through this...KARMA. I promise I'll be nice from now on. Okay, I promise I won't be as mean anymore. Fuck it, I'll just stay the hell away from people period...that's the only way to avoid hurting and getting hurt. Yeah right, lol. Well at least I haven't done anything undignified like contacting him. His fucking loss. I love him so much I hate him. This can't be healthy. Anyone know a Root Doctor, lol?