Angry, frustrated, sad, resigned and more...(Original post date Tuesday, March 01, 2005)

Today was a great day. Today was a horrible day. "O" called me at 3:55 this morning drunk as all hell acting silly on the phone. In a way I was happy to hear from him but I was also annoyed as all hell. I mean, I've not been sleeping well at all for the past week or two and I was on the phone with him from around midnight Saturday until I think 8 in the morning Sunday. I didn't get in bed until close to 2 AM Monday so suffice it to say, a sistah was heated when the phone rang. He's done this before...he'll call me at some ungodly hour and want to chit chat. Usually I don't mind, but with the break between us, that shit just isn't cool. Now I say it wasn't cool but at the same time it was so good to hear his voice. I fuckin' go to pieces when I hear this man's voice and I hate it! I wanted to cuss him out and hang up in his face but instead I talked to him for an entire 30 minutes. Mind you I had to be at work at 8:30 AM. Talk about no decency or consideration right? Not that I don't claim any responsibility...I do. I could have let the phone ring or like I said above, cursed him out and hung up on him. At any rate, he talked shit, I listened and laughed all the while thinking...he still loves me right? I mean this phone call has to mean something other than his drunk ass calling to act silly. Damn I over-analyze everything. Always searching for meaning when sometimes there is no deeper meaning....it is what it appears to be. When we hung up it was like my heart had been crushed all over again, only not as bad as the first time. I just want to forget about him. Fuck being friends (why dudes always wanna be friends anyway?) I have enough gatdamn friends. I'm a black or white person...I have no time or desire to live in gray areas. But that is where he is trying to imprison me. But here's the situation...I can't imagine not talking to him but I hate the fact that he's on this "let's be friends" shit. I feel like I'm in limbo and I despise him for putting me there. I know I can walk away anytime....right? Damn I'm caught up. I HATE THIS. His ass isn't thinking about me but here I am agonizing. Fuck this and fuck him. Asshole.