Transition (Original post date Saturday, February 26, 2005)

It's amazing how you can know something is going to happen before it actually happens. Earlier this week I knew "O" was going to start with his John Kerry-esque behavior again. When I received the e-mail stating "we need to talk", I knew something wasn't right. Even before the e-mail....I just knew. But I pretended all was well, perhaps because I wanted all to be well. Funny how we lie to ourselves. So here I sit, trying not to be sad because the end that I knew was coming came. I wonder if he's sad? I wonder if he is thinking about me right now? I've been here before. I got over it faster than I thought I would. I still love him fiercely. I don't want to. I want to forget him and maybe pretend like he and I never were. But no, that's just the hurt speaking. I want to one day look back on he and I and smile with no hint of sadness or regret. I am grateful I had the opportunity to know him, love him and spend time with him. He is a beautiful creature. He has some truly deep seated issues, but that does not detract from his light. I told him that he needs to stop hiding his light, afraid someone will snatch it away from him. I also told him that his light is much like a butterfly in the fisted palm of a child. Squeeze too tight and the wings will be crushed and the butterfly will never take flight again; if the butterfly remains imprisoned too long, it will suffocate and die. Either way the light is extinguished. His response was that his butterfly had died long ago and there was no hope of it ever coming back. How sad is that? How tragic that he should think this way. It makes me wonder....what happened to him that he feels so defeated? He is like a shell of a man....a walking husk. I feel for him. I just want to wrap my arms around him and take away his pain, frustrations and fears. But that is not my job. I cannot fix him....I am not his savior. My purpose in his life has been fulfilled and now I must move on. I still love him fiercely. I think I always will. I'm okay with that.