What love is/ain't? (Originally posted 4-26-06)

I'm like you, I write too. It could be a limmerick or a haiku. My pen is swift and delivers true, if you try to bite my shit I'll fight you. Sometimes I rhyme but most times I don't, I could write a few paragraphs but today I won't. I'm just sitting here keystyling today, I should be working but I want to play. I write what I feel, think and see. I write some for you but mostly for me. I write to release, I write when I'm tense, I write to ease the pressure when nothing makes sense. I write to ease the pain and diffuse my anger, when I don't write away the blues I feel like my spirit is in danger. Sometimes I write like a wordsmith and sometimes I write like a novice, but everything I write comes from within...that's a promise. Today is an example of my less polished pieces, no one will confuse this for a dissertation or thesis. My grammar sucks and my spelling is sometimes off, but most can grasp my flow without getting lost.

Yeah, okay that's enough of that, lol. Today I want to talk about love. What is it about that little word that can cause so much big trouble? People have fought and died for love. People search their entire lives for love. Hell folks will even murder for love...or so some lunatics have claimed. "Love made me do it". I once had a very vivid dream about a man who murdered another man because he "loved" a woman so much. I wrote a poem about it and I would share it right now but I don't know where it is. But you see how passionate, how dedicated, how absolutely intense (obsessive) love can make some folks?

Love will make you do some crazy shit. Love will make you let down your guard even though you're scared as hell, love will make you slap a bitch, love will make you cut a fool. Once love (and a little bit of anger and of course mucho self-defense) made me almost beat a bitch to death. I was once involved with a man who just had to have more than one woman. She knew about me but I didn't know about her until later. One night I was at "my man's house" and she showed up...with a knife (unbeknownst to me at the time). Now I'm no punk but I ain't crazy either, so I called the cops just off GP. This was new jack city type stuff to me, I'd never been there, never done that and mos def didn't get the t-shirt/keychain/coffee mug. I don't know why, but he opened the door and let her in the house. Why would he do that? Well I'm not one to be punked so I went up to her and tried to kick her out, I didn't put my hands on her, I pitched something she gave him "two years prior" (per him) out the door hoping she'd follow it. Wrong move on my part because that bitch snapped. There was at least a foot of space between us and she launched herself at me. Now I just happened to be in various states of undress (it was well after midnight and he and I had been in the bed doing "it") so I was at a disadvantage. This chick got her hands in my hair and knocked me to the floor by kneeing me in the stomach. I have to tell you that after my breath whooshed out I saw darkness like Rick James whenever he looked at Eddie and Charlie Murphy. When I felt her tugging at my hair I saw R E D. No one touches my hair in a threatening manner...no one. I balled my fists up and started pummeling this chick in every soft spot I could find. When that didn't get her off me, I used my nails to claw her face/neck/arms, when that didn't work I started pulling her hair out, when that didn't work I used my fists and knees together. The whole time this punk ass muhfucka is in the background telling her to get off me. I was laying on the floor underneath her screaming, "I'ma kill both y'all bitches when I get up off this floor". It's kinda hard to fight when you're damn near butt ass naked and pinned to the floor. Her blood started dripping into my face and getting in my eyes so I had to close my eyes but I kept pounding on her. Still, she would not let me up. All this time the front door was open and the next thing I know, 8 cops come running in with guns drawn and big voices booming. It took 4 of those male cops to get this chick off me and the whole time I am still punching her with one hand, kicking her and clawing her with the other hand. She was BERSERK. They finally got her on her stomach and managed to cuff her and I got a good look at her. She was fucccccccked up. Both her eyes were swollen shut, her lip was busted, she had large patches in her head from where I'd ripped out her hair, scratches and gouges in her face from where I'd clawed her and she was just a bloody fucking mess. But despite it all, the bitch would not get off me. Now that's love for you. She took a serious ass kicking from me that night. The cops cuffed all 3 of us. I was mad as hell and screaming my half naked fool head off. I was just way beyond indignant. How the hell they gonna cuff me and I ain't got on no damn clothes...obviously I belonged there! Vagina all out and shit! Well they hauled me off to the back of the house so I could put something on and I was able to glance in the mirrror. I was very surprised at what I saw. My face was burning because the chick took her hands out of my hair long enough to scratch my face but there wasn't nearly as much damage as I expected. I was missing some hair too but not as much as she was. Don't get me wrong now, I was scratched the hell up but not nearly as I should have been for someone pinned to the floor by a maniac. The lady cop sat me down and told me to tell her what happened...so I did. She took the cuffs off me and they brought Mr. Punk Ass Muhfucka into the kitchen to get his story. He was still cuffed. Do you know this mofo had the nerve to say HE DIDN'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED! "They just started fighting", he says. I jumped off the chair so fast it flipped backwards, I was gonna kill that punk ass muhfucka! Good thing the lady cop was between us. She told me to stop screaming and calm down or she'd put the cuffs back on me. I sat my ass down. One of the male cops came into the kitchen and told me that due to the nature of the crazy chick's injuries I could be arrested but because she was technically trespassing and she had a weapon, I was getting away with self-defense. He told me she had severe lacerations that may require stitches, I'd almost broken her nose and I'd knocked out one of her teeth. I smiled at that but I kept quiet. I wanted to kill that bitch. I wanted to fuck him up too because that bitch came with a knife to put a serious hurting on me. I was hot. I pressed charges...he didn't. I wanted a restraining order but he wouldn't cooperate so they wouldn't give me one.

Ain't that a bitch? Three different people, all of them in various stages of love and all of them willing to go the distance to protect it. I found out later that that crazy bitch left her 5 year old daughter at home alone to come and take me out. How the hell she know I was gonna be there? He loved her so much though that he refused to back me up in court. Me, well I just looked like a damn fool. I loved him so much I overlooked things I shouldn't have and believed him when he told me I was the only one. Hmm. Perhaps that was just foolishness on my part.


At any rate. Do you see how love is? Love will drive you to do things that you normally wouldn't do. Love will make you blind. Love will make you protect folks even when they are dead wrong. But more than anything...love perseveres. After that incident I dropped that dude like he had Bubonic plague and he got back with his crazy knife wielding ex. They later broke up and he called me trying to get back but I now had the t-shirt/coffee mug/keychain. More important...I loved myself too much to even consider taking him back.



Fast forward to Wednesday, April 26, 2006......I am in love with a wonderful man. He is not perfect by any means, but he strives. Now I wouldn't cut a bitch for him but I will beat a bitch to death for myself. I realize that there are going to be challenges that he and I will face both as a couple and as individuals, but I am confident that he and I can do it together. Love brought us together, love will keep us together....we'll fight for that love.