6 of 30

I recently accepted a challenge created by one of my twitter friends called 30 in 30. The idea is to write/post a new poem every day for 30 days. This promises to be very interesting for me seeing as how I've been going through some personal struggles as of late. At any rate, here's my sixth offering...



Gun Slinger

Brass casings. Load. Lock.
I'm ready to shoot my glock.
I'm aimed at your head.

Jezebel (including a series of Haiku )

You're only part time
No more than his sideline ho
How's that working out?

When he kisses you
You're tasting me on his lips
Savor my flavor

You're a scavenger
No better than a buzzard
I'm a lioness

You settle for scraps
Delighting in second place
You should kill yourself

Sad sad Jezebel
You try so very hard too
Poor attention whore

When it comes to cheating...I've been on both sides of the fence. I've been the main chick, the mistress and the clueless love blind fool. Most of my dirt was done in my early to mid 20's though. Maturity and karma tend to make you want to do better. Over the past few years I've been running into way too many Jezebels. The Jezebel is a female that preys upon men who are involved and/or men that other women have expressed an interest in. I was once  possessed by the Jezebel spirit. It started when I was 19. Typically, Jezebels are young insecure females who need lots of outside validation. They're usually easy to recognize because they thrive on being the center of attention. You'll find Jezebels sporting provocative clothing, speaking in breathy/whispery voices, accentuating physical attributes that induce males to think about copulating, posting risque pictures on the internet, etc. These methods are often used by the pigeon class of Jezebels. The more sophisticated vulture class of Jezebel is cunning and shrewd. The vulture class Jezebel employs pseudo intellect as well as over-sexualization (seduction) as a method to entrap males. I know...I've done it, so I recognize it when I see it. Sadly, the life of a Jezebel is not a happy one. They are often disappointed because their prey's attention cannot be sustained for long with such tomfoolery. Real relationships cannot be built upon trickery and shallowness.

I recently stumbled into the path of a vulture class Jezebel. It wasn't a pleasant experience, but it was mos def eye opening. This was one of the cleverest and most beguiling ulture Jezebels I'd ever encountered. She peddles her wares under the guise of "consciousness" and sisterhood. How wretched. Thinking her nothing more than what she appeared to be (a warm "conscious" sistah), I began sharing with her about a brotha I was very much interested in. He and I had been building for a while and I was quite smitten and loathe to keep my crush to myself. Big mistake. Shortly after I shared this information with her, the aforementioned brotha told me that she sent him private messages inquiring about the goings on between he and I. I thought that odd seeing as how she could have (nay, should have) asked me. Suspect behavior. Over the next couple weeks I noticed that whenever I mentioned the name of a male she would develop an interest in him. She gave her phone number to someone I once dated and was still very close to, she even reached out to my ex-boyfriend. Cause for concern? Not so much, but it did make me feel some kinda way. What bothered me most was what I perceived as flirty behavior between this vulture Jezebel and the brotha I was building with. I started paying closer attention to this female and noticed she had Jezebel tendencies. I wasn't the only one who noticed either. Since I used to be a Jezebel, I can usually spot them and determine their class. At any rate, I started to dislike this young female. I have no problem with flirting, I do it myself. I do, however, have a problem with females knowingly flirting with men they KNOW their so-called "favorite sistah" is interested in. Not cool. *Sidenote* She once told me about a brotha she was interested in. I scoped him but never said a word to him. I don't clown like that anymore. Since I'm not fond of devious females, I kept my interactions with this young vulture Jezebel at a minimum. Why bother interacting at all you ask? Well despite being a Jezebel, she shared a lot of interesting information with those she was acquainted with. How unfortunate that she hadn't internalized more of the sisterhood ideologies she espoused.

Wrapping it up. This young vulture Jezebel must have noticed that I started keeping her at arm's length (which is what you're supposed to do with snakes) because just a few days ago, she called herself putting me on blast. She claimed (without using my name) that I didn't like her (true), that I hated her (untrue) and that I was jealous of her (untrue). Never once did she acknowledge her devious behavior. Most Jezebels, regardless of class, are unaware that they are in fact Jezebels. They think their deviant behavior is acceptable and inoffensive. They're in for a rude awakening. I know I received mine. So I'm not at all surprised by her self-righteous spiel nor her egotistical outlook. That's typical Jezebel behavior.

In summation, I've learned from this most recent Jezebel encounter to keep my "crushes" to myself. I've also learned that males are just as susceptible to Jezebels today as they were when I was a young Jezebel. I'm still building with that brotha by the way, though he often catches hell from me for encouraging the vulture Jezebel.

That's all I have to say about that.

Hidden (Originally posted 5-12-06)

Hidden, but not for long. Everytime you open your mouth you lose a bone. Fuck skeletons in closets, there's a graveyard in your soul. Too old, not old enough, not grown enough to walk in truth. You lie because it just comes natural. And she. Pity mixed with revulsion. I'm beginning to detest you both. You spoke and your words clouded up like steamy showers. Your speech has no power. Lost on me like the sailors from the perfect storm. This ain't normal. Feeling earthquakes in my soul...shit is crumbling. Tumbling like the cooldown cycle on laundrymat dryers. I'm feeling no heat. I sleep and dream dreams, see things I'd rather not see. You don't feel me, too busy feeling yourself I suppose. God knows light was shed on this darkness but it was brief, like kids at the park at night with sparklers. I don't own ten lifetimes of honesty but honestly...I can be honest. I tell you the truth 99.9 percent of the time...I promise. So much to say and so little time in which to say it, I'm an old Isley Brothers vinyl and you just wanted to play it. Are you reading between these lines? They say, "I know what you did last summer". And back in March when we first began. Then again, a dime was dropped and the scene was discerned from the past couple years. No tears. I don't have the time, energy or desire to cry. I'm just pouring gasoline, dropping matches and watching shit burn and die. I tried, I really did, but almost has never been good enough. I understand change is tough, but that doesn't equate impossible. Now I'm a fossil. A glorious history embedded in an ornate shell. You can tell others how great it was before the molten lava of your lies caught up to us. Speak on trust that was not becuase the foundation was poured on deceit. Continue to creep with the girl next door. She's a whore filled with the spawn of maybe you...maybe him. I guess it all depends on her whim..."hmmm what dick will I sample today?......" Now y'all gonna play the D&C scrape game and maybe that mistake will wind up just another red stain. Virtuous indeed. Cloak yourself with righteousness if that helps you look in the mirror, but the truth is all over your spirit. You reek of uncompleted promises and broken dreams. Your garment of sanctity is torn at the seams. You talk about a redeemer yet your life and what you speak are diametrically opposed. Just put on some regular clothes because your white robes fool no one. You're as fucked up as they come. You tried to hide...but it was all in vain. Nothing remains hidden

This is dedicated to my now ex and his secret lover(s). Fuckers. I hope they both...live happily ever fucking after. Fin.

Bedtime Story (Originally posted 1-13-06 but still relevant today)

Once there was a cat and a scorpion sitting on a riverbank. The scorpion asked the cat to carry him across the river because he couldn't swim. The cat said, "No, I won't carry you across the river, you're a scorpion, you'll sting me and kill me". The scorpion assured the cat that he wouldn't sting her, so the cat agrees to carry the scorpion across the river. The scorpion climbs on the cat's back and they start across the river. Halfway across the river the scorpion stings the cat and the cat screams out in pain, "You fool, now we're both going to drown and die, why did you sting me?" The scorpion said, "I'm a scorpion, I can't help myself". 

I gave the scorpion a ride even though I knew he was going to sting me and kill me, so I effectively killed myself. I'm not sure how many more lives I have but I do know I'm tired of dying.

Ignorance...bliss? (Originally posted 10-24-05)

 

Though I saw, I made myself blind. Though I heard, I made myself deaf. Will I continue in ignorance that isn't ignorance that lacks bliss or will I tuck the hurt in my back pocket, say fuck it and kick rocks to a new destination? Metaphorically speaking of course. I have this queasy, ugly, funky feeling in the pit of my stomach. Why? Why must people/things be so complicated? Why, when things can be simple, and lovely, and whole, and right do people have to go and fuck it up? People should either be straight up or take their crooked asses to the next jawn. Don't hold on to what you have because you're waiting for something better to show up...just let that shit go. Shit why am I even asking why? I have the power to let the shit go...but I hesitate. Why? Is it really that deep? Is it really worth hanging on? How long do I have to wait for it to get better, for the bullshit to stop stinking, for the deceit to stop deceiving? I swear I've been trying. I've been so good, so true, so "perfect", just not perfect enough. I say the words and mean them. I touch and feel it. I give and give and give and give until it hurts and then I turn around and give some gotdamn more. What do I get in return? A metaphorical knife in the gotdamn back. The world is a small place you know. Made smaller by virtue of the internet. Some muthufuckas should think about that when they say and do what they say and do. But let me slow my roll, turn my frown upside down and....take this back, back, back, back. The man that angers you conquers you. People only do to you what you allow them to. What's done in the dark comes to light. Fool me once shame on you; fool me twice shame on me. What you sow; so shall you reap. If it ain't right; it's wrong. Don't trouble trouble until trouble troubles you. What to do? Fuck this.

Sleepless Night, Sleepless Mind Part 2

It seems that the more I change the more I stay the same. On Tuesday, September 18, 2007, just two days after the 3 month mark of my relationship, my boyfriend dumped me. I have mixed feelings about the break up. On the one hand, I understand why he did it, I really do. I deserved to be dumped for the shit I pulled...I really do. But on the other hand, don't people do dumb shit in relationships all the time? I wish I'd never done what I did. I wish I had trusted him. I wish I'd never confided in his backstabbing ass friend. I wish so many things.

It's September and my heart is broken for the second time this year. A part of me wishes I could blink out of existence. I wish I could stop crying. I wish my head and heart would stop hurting. I wish I could sleep.