I'm sick :-(

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How cute is that kitteh? He looks exactly like the cute little 7 month stray that found his way to my door earlier this week. As much as I loved that cute little nugget (and that's what I named him), I had to take him to the animal shelter after the third day. I'm allergic to most furry animals and with me being sick, Nugget aggravated an already aggravating situation. I miss his cute little self though. Here are a few pictures of Nugget, my Sun, myself and my BFF...

The little nugget

How cute is he? The little rascal was very high energy and loved to run and pounce on EVERYTHING. He was also very affectionate, he loved to jump up into my lap and have me pet him. He had this vibrating purr that reminded me of race car engines, lol.

Here's Nugget bonding with my Sun, me and my BFF. He loved my BFF the best, lol.

I really miss the little nugget but I don't miss the itchy nose, eyes and tons of cat fur floating around. I'm sure someone will adopt him and love him as much (if not more) than I did. but other than that...

I caught a really bad upper respiratory infection from my Sun and daughter last week and I have been so out of commission it's sad. I don't get sick often but when I do, it's usually really bad...and what I'm dealing with is pretty damn bad. As a result of this, I haven't felt like doing much of anything other than drinking lots of hot tea, eating tons of chicken noodle soup and trying to rest. Despite all my efforts though (and plenty of home remedies) I don't seem to be getting better. My next step is to go to a doctor (I hate western medicine) and accept the bottle of antibiotics I know they're going to prescribe. This will no doubt cause additional problems (hello yeast infection, ugh!).

Before I got sick, I filmed a video about an issue that's been weighing heavy on my heart for a while. Check it out...

This video doesn't even begin to scratch the surface about body image, self-esteem, healthy vs. unhealthy habits, etc. but, it's a start. Conversations need to be had, especially with teen girls, about how to maintain their health and self-esteem. Just like there's a natural hair movement picking up steam and empowering women, there should be a movement to empower women and girls to accept/love themselves and respect their journeys. Let's encourage one another starting today!

Brand New Day, Brand New Chance

So for many, today is the beginning of the new year. I acknowledge this simply because I live in America and we use the Gregorian calender. Unlike most I know, my new season doesn't begin until March 20, 2011, which is the day of the Vernal Equinox (first day of Spring in the northern Hemisphere). Spring is the season for rebirth/regeneration, thus, the perfect time for my season of new beginnings. So, though I have not made any resolutions for January 1st (never have and never will), I have goals that I am working towards accomplishing. When those goals are accomplished, I will set new goals and so on and so forth. Along with goals set and awaiting accomplishment, I have daily affirmations and monthly projects I work on. The most important thing I can do for my Self, is to be Self-approved. The body isn't much without a strong mind and spirit so I am constantly working to improve on the triad. One of the aids I'm using is Iyanla VanZant's book "Until Today". I bought this book sometime last year but never started it. Since the first chapter coincides with "the new year", I figured I'd go ahead and start it. Has anyone else read this book? Is anyone currently reading this book? I'd love to hear your thoughts.

Today while blog surfing, I came across a wonderful blog post by Sally McGraw of Already Pretty that mirrors many of my daily affirmations. Sally's post titled "The big Secret", reminded me that in our daily lives (especially with being constantly subjected to damaging messages from mass media) we may have many seeds of Self-doubt planted in our psyches. A good way to combat this is to be Self-approved and the best way to accomplish this (IMO) is to use affirmations. To some it may seem hokey and lame, but for me it is the equivalent of a having a suit of shining armor, a shield and a sword. I can protect my Self from the flaming arrows aimed at my psyche and I can cut through all the BS that advertisers, etc. try to feed me about my Self image.But no matter how you do, take the time to honor the divine in your Self. Remember that you are exactly where you need to be and you are doing exactly what needs to be done. Everything will be just fine....now smile :-)

16 of 30

Deadlines are dead but the poetry lives on...


Divorced

Fuck jesus
I wept
Shed blood and tears to make the unworkable work
I put in work
Worked my fingers to the bloody bone
Ground my shoulders against the boulders until my heart felt like stone
A marriage of misery and deceit
You trod upon my loyalty with glad feet
Me pregnant with our possibilities harboring hostility because of your infidelity
I sang sweet melodies to our child in utero hoping my tear stained voice would help her to grow
Grow into the woman I was not at that time
I whined, begged, pleaded to be needed by you
Cooked your food, ironed your clothes and fucked you too
Not enough, not good enough, I took enough of your shit to start a swine farm
When you grabbed, shook and pushed my autonomic nervous system rang an alarm
Time to go
Pack and don't look back
Take the babies and flee
And life became real
I faced it with zeal
Free of of the enslavement I traded my maiden name for
Closed the door on the poor girl who knew not womanhood
I stood on my own, made a home for me and my seeds
Free of you and your misdeeds
And now I am triumphant
I weep no more

Divine Speech A.K.A. MDW NTR (Originally posted 4-19-06)

"I can't live simply because I was born, I want to live because I have a dream."

    What is your dream? Are you living or merely surviving? Are you greeting each day with a smile despite the challenges and revelling in the possibilities of triumph? Are you dreading the trials and sulking because your present life doesn't fit your ideal life?  If the latter sounds like you, you need to get your mind right. Going through the fire purifies you, trials and tribulations are springboards that propel you into glorious opportunities for growth. Change your attitude and you can change your life! Always remember that the universe is conspiring with YOUR energy to either bring your dreams to fruition or destroy them. You want change? Speak change into your life! Practice that Divine Speech A.K.A. MDW NTR. Make speaking your dreams into existence an everyday routine like brushing your teeth and washing your face. At night predetermine your tomorrow. Seek alignment with your Ori  (your higher self). You can do this! You don't need help from anyone outside yourself...you can do this on your own. You just have to decide...to do it. Wake up in the morning and say, "Something better than what I possess at this moment in life is now manifesting for my highest good". But don't just speak it...believe it. Know it. Live it. Feel it! Have an image in your head as you speak, feel and know that all of your dreams can and will come true! Mine did and still are. I trust that y'all can and will be happy, prosperous, strong, victorious, surronded by love and walking in light....If I think you can YOU SHOULD KNOW YOU CAN! I love all of y'all! Walk in peace, abundance, light and love. Bless up!

Hurt, but not as hurt as Trent Reznor (Originally posted 1-8-06)

I was reading the blog of one of my Sistah Associates and a song was playing. I don't know the name of the song but it reminded me of Hurt by Nine Inch Nails. Hurt is my wallow song. When I'm mad at the world or just feeling sick and tired, I play Hurt and it reminds me that my life is a beautiful struggle and I wouldn't have it any other way. It also serves as a warning not to wallow too long....the blues ain't no joke for some folks. Poor poor tortured Trent Reznor. Here are the lyrics if you're so inclined to read them:



"Hurt"

I hurt myself today
to see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
the only thing that's real
the needle tears a hole
the old familiar sting
try to kill it all away
but I remember everything

what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end
you could have it all
my empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of shit
upon my liar's chair
full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
beneath the stains of time
the feeling disappear
you are someone else
I am still right here

what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end

you could have it all
my empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
if I could start again
a million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

Although I know that the Universe is conspiring with my energy to manifest things for my highest good, I still get stuck on bullshit sometimes. I am thinking of the disappointments I've experienced over the past few days. I opened myself up to a lot of it by going against my better judgment, but I also realize the world is populated by many low-life ass people. I'm angry, I'm kind of sad, I'm tired, I haven't been sleeping well, I've put on 6 pounds, for the first time in over a month I didn't get a parking space on my block, etc. A whole bunch of insignificant shit is combining to contribute to a fantastically bad mood.

I asked Oya for change and she is handing it to my ass alright. I asked Orunmila for increased intuition...but so far I've not heeded it. I asked Chango and Ogun to protect me from those who would cause me harm...my feelings were hurt this weekend but I'll live. I asked Obatala to make me pure like his white cloth...I've been thinking dirty thoughts all day. I asked my ancestors for guidance...I have no idea what the fuck I'm doing. I asked Yemaya to shower me with her motherly love and she sent me to a women's worshop (that need was fulfilled). I asked Ochun to send me love...the jury is still out on that request. I know that I have to give these things time to manifest but I've also just realized that I have to work to get them. I have to cultivate myself, listen to my Ori (my higher self), love myself and most importantly be patient. 

I have work to do. Fuck stagnation. Strong language makes me feel stronger.

I stopped writing....

Because words weren't enough.
They couldn't capture my aches, pains, joys, triumphs.
I thought my tears, screams and laughter were enough.
But they weren't.
I stopped writing.
Because I thought my words had fled.
I thought all the consonants, verbs, syllables and similes were lying dead inside of me.
Try as I might...I just could not write.
Each attempt to scribe my angels and demons felt like a chore...no pleasure to be found.
So I stopped writing.
And when I stopped writing, my voice locked up.
I suffocated my dreams, silenced everything in me that reached and strived.
When I stopped writing...I didn't even feel alive.
And I choked on everything that I imprisoned inside of me.
Thoughts bled into oblivion.
Ideas gestated but were stillborn.
All because...
I
Stopped
Writing

But today I will type it out.
I will resume exhuming these figurative bones with my pen until once again...
I start writing.
And this time...
I won't stop.
I won't ever stop writing again.

No Fear...

I am still here.

Thinking.

Planning.

Hoping.

Wondering.

Searching.

Changing.

Doing what needs to be done...even when I don't want to do it.

But...I am still here.

Words are not enough

You ever been so full of joy that tears pricked your lashes and static electricity raced the length of your spine? Have words failed to capture the magnitude of your peace? You ever felt powerful enough to blast your spirit right out of its flesh cage and launch it into the ether? I'm feeling like that today. I'm feeling that words are not nearly enough to describe the sheer wonder and excitement I have for this day. Today feels magical and magnificent. I woke up tired but full of....something.

All I can think is how grateful I am, how thankful I am to be here breathing, being, seeing, doing. I am the hope of my ancestors! Mmm mmm mmm. It. Is. All. Good. Hell, it's all GREAT! Good things are coming my way. All kinds of things. Change is coming...and I'm ready. I don't care what it looks like...don't really care what it feels like, I AM READY! I want CHANGE! I don't want anything to be the same anymore. I am NOT afraid! Maferefun Oya, because the changes have already begun! That's Ogun racing through my blood and clearing a path. Shango is firing me up right now! Ahhh, life is soooooo good! I give thanks!  Maferefun Egungun! Maferefun Eshu! Maferefun Oya! Maferefun Obatala! Maferefun Ogun! Maferefun Sango! Maferefun Ori! Maferefun Olodumare!

I Am Becoming (Originally posted 12-16-05)

I'm not yet ready for "Him" because I'm still discovering me. How successful "He" and I will be depends on how well I know me. So I am not looking and I am not holding my breath. I am breathing...deeply. With each exhalation my fears disappear. I am being prepared. I am discovering, cultivating and loving me. I am evolving.



I am becoming

I can feel myself evolving, transitioning, changing

I am not whom I was when I woke up this morning

I can feel the deepening of my soul

I can sense the density of my spirit

I am becoming

I am an ever changing work in progress

Sometimes I regress but such is life

I think more, feel more, overstand more

I am learning to speak to the soul of the universe

I am discovering myself

I am learning to love myself, overstand myself, command myself, accept myself, forgive myself

I am becoming

I am experiencing my awakening

I am learning to accept without expectations

I am building

I am connecting and enjoying being connected

I am overcoming obstacles, forgiving those that have harmed me, blessing instead of cursing

I am becoming

I have peace

At night I can sleep

I am taming my carnal nature and embracing my instincts

I am heeding spirit, conquering fear and channeling harmony

I am loving, living, growing, bestowing upon others the gifts endowed to me by the Creator

I am becoming

I am humble

I am proud

I am learning to be still and discovering the value in silence

I am relinquishing my selfishness, diminishing my ego, increasing my patience

I am becoming

I apologize (Originally posted on 11-14-05)

I apologize for mistreating you and being inconsiderate of your feelings. I apologize for not listening to you and going against your advice when I knew you were right. I apologize for knowing your worth but ignoring it. I apologize for putting you through unnecessary bullshit time and time again. I apologize for making you cry. I apologize for isolating you when what you really needed was the comfort of others. I apologize for disrespecting you repeatedly. I apologize for ridiculing you. I apologize for trying to destroy your spirit. I apologize for not honoring you. I apologize for being impatient. I apologize Nicole, for not loving you as much as you need, as hard as you need, as deep as you need as often as you need. I apologize Nicole, for allowing others to mistreat you, defeat you, use you, make a fool of you. I apologize Nicole, for not saying what needed to be said when it needed to be said. I apologize for not doing what needed to be done when it needed doing. I apologize for it all and I promise you that from here on out...things will be different. I love you Nicole.

Sometimes in order to move on, in order to facilitate healing, in order to forgive ourselves....we need to apologize to ourselves. We need to remember to love and honor ourselves. We need to recognize the divine in ourselves. We need to fall in love with ourselves at the crack of each dawn and love ourselves well past dusk. We need to recognize our own worth and never forget it. Love yourself today. Love yourself every day like that day is going to be the last day.