Friday, November 13, 2009

Something is wrong with me (Originally posted 2-7-06)

I mean just really wrong. Today I went from feeling nothing at all to feeling enraged...all in 0-10 seconds. That is not normal. Over the past few weeks I have felt no sadness, not much anger (except when I was stuck in traffic or speaking to my ex-husband), not much joy (though I was in pretty good spirits or at least I put on an act so good I fooled everyone, myself included)....just not feeling much of anything. I've not really been in the mood to write, haven't really put forth any effort to communicate with anyone...I kinda feel like a zombie. I've just been walking around doing what needs to be done but not really enjoying any of it. I've not had many complaints other than being horny and not wanting to fuck anyone from my past nor put effort into meeting someone new.

Is this what depression feels like? Am I depressed? I don't feel depressed. I'm not having thoughts of death or suicide. I am bored out of my mind and thinking there has to be more to life than this humdrum though. 10 minutes ago I was so angry I wanted to just go out and fuck somebody up with my aluminum Louisville Slugger. No one in particular, just whomever happened to cross my path. But as quickly as the impulse was born, so it expired. Yeah, something is really wrong with me. My creative drive is gone. I feel like everything I've written thus far has been a fluke. That pisses me off. I am fucking frustrated. I have lost my voice. See, there I go again with the anger. Sometimes I feel like I'm in one of those hamster/gerbil/guinea pig wheels....just going round and round and round but  not really going any-fucking-where. Add that annoying ass squeaking noise to the equation. That is my conundrum.

I have no idea what transpired in my life over the past two months to drive me to this place. I've tried to reflect but I'm sorely lacking the patience to do so. Even writing this entry is taxing my patience. I am slipping in and out of anger....and it's all because I cannot pinpoint the cause of my distress. Maybe I'm crazy. Yeah, I’ve lost my natural mind. Someone call the men with the white coat so they can lock my cuckoo ass up in a padded white room. I read somewhere that crazy people don’t doubt their sanity. Does that mean I’m perfectly sane, because I doubt the hell out of my sanity sometimes. 

It just occurred to me that I have lost more friends in the past 6 months than I’ve made over the past 2 years. Isn’t that something? I’ve lost them because I’ve either said some out of pocket shit to them or because I’ve been negligent about keeping in touch with them. I’m bad at nurturing relationships. I fear commitment (any type of commitment) like virgin gay boys fear the general population at a maximum security prison. Their assholes and my heart could be potentially ripped apart. Now that’s a color metaphor for that ass, lol. I’m spent now. I’ve been writing this blog for the past 4 hours and all I have is 3 measly paragraphs. Now is the time for mental diarrhea…too bad I’m constipated.


Coppersoul said...

Hopefully you reflect and don't slip into that again. We talked about the certain asshole that labeled you something, and being a "major" in that field. No one defines you but you...even in saying that, you don't define you unless your spiritual path is addressed. All you're doing is being the conduit of poison if you harbor the negative feelings. Hence, you determine to lash out and do utter bullshit to others and jeopardize your Iwapele for a moodswing. Now won't that be the end of your parade in life, eh? Love will find a way to calm your switchable ass down. :) good blog!

Anonymous said...

you are right there is more to life and once you find out what is this more to life then you will fell content forever no matter what you do,i have found my more to life and it is my religion Islam the true one not the one you see with people killing others and violence Islam fills my heart with light and love and hurts when i see people making these cruel untrue violations of Islam which is not true don't look at the worst people and judge meet true Muslims then judge

Anonymous said...

this weird emotion you feel will be eased if you find the true light. PS: i am the same person as above