Wednesday, September 30, 2009

What happened?

That's the question I keep asking myself..."what happened?"

Because something did happen. Something, a big-giant-ominous something came and sat its fat ass right on top of me and squashed me like a bug. It has me feeling some kinda way. Got me second guessing myself. Got me feeling insecure, resentful...fatalistic even. I'm still trying to figure out where it came from...how it all started. I hate this shit. But at the same time...I needed this. See, I have written my best work when I have been mired in misery. Not that I'm miserable right now...I just feel some kind way. I don't know, maybe it's because I haven't seen the sun in days and because I'm still getting over the last vestiges of this terrible cold. Perhaps it's due to the guilt trip my mother tried to levy upon me. But really, it's something I can't quite put my finger on yet. I have the distinct feeling that my life is about to implode. I'm afraid. I prayed about it this morning. I called on everyone...Eshu, Oya, Oshun, Ogun, Obatala, my Egun and Ori. I am so going to need them all very soon. My fingers are trembling as I type this.

Switching tracks....

I got my Blackberry Tour yesterday. It's so totally awesome! I wish it were awesome enough to ease this anxiety. Rats. Can't stop going back to that. I need a hug...and some kisses. And some back strokes and someone murmuring in my ear that everything is going to be okay. "You'll make it through whatever is coming...I know you will because you always do". "I'm here for you if you need me...though I know you're going to be just fine". "Don't worry, I got you". That's what I need right now. But I won't get it. And even though I won't get it...I'll still be just fine. I always am. I've been on my own for a very long time.

1 comment:

Coppersoul said...

Finding yourself alone with nature should be the only solitude one should get used to. Being alone by yourself isn't as noteworthy. Take it form someone who thinks that being a loner was good for his creativity. All it did was stir up more fondness for the public and environment of other's warmth. No man, nor woman, was created to be alone, purposely. My thoughts. Anxiety could be triggered also by the feeling of self-worth being lower than expected, or by the expectations of something being raised to the extent that there's a fear of a bust or letdown. personality needs ot be strengthened. I thinkn you got that down, so don't f this energy up!!! Think of your children, your writing, and your future. Oya has things in hand for you. Pray to your ori and ancestors as well, and stop mulling over a replacement (or an Otis) for your temporary sorrows and feelings.