Creeping back slowly...maybe (Originally posted 3-8-06)

Well sorta.


I have nothing in particular to say today so this will just be a blog full of random ramblings. I'm horny. I've not had sex in a while. So long that I can't remember when I last got some. Strangely enough, I'm not as upset about that as I would have been say...four months ago.  I mean I want some but I'd rather have meaningful sex than "I'm horny and any random dick will do" sex. I guess you can say I'm growing up, lol. I've not had a date in a while either. I used to be somewhat of a serial dater. That too has ceased. I don't want to date anymore. I mean I want to...but I don't. I'm not interested in starting over. The thought of having to take the time to get to know new men makes me yawn and feel suddenly tired. I used to be excited about the prospect of meeting new men, for me it was like getting a new toy. Now I'm like a 5 year old a week after Christmas...just not interested. What does that mean? Is this new attitude also indicative of my burgeoning maturity level? Perhaps I've just grown weary of the dating game. Either way it goes, I will remain single for the time being.

In other news, I've grown very fond of bowling. I've gone a few times with my family and had a blast every time. Now in order to be a real bowler, I have to get my own shoes and personalized ball and bag. Oh, and I have to bowl over 85, lol. The last time I went bowling I met this guy...he was kinda young. I told him I was 35 so he would leave me the hell alone. He was undeterred. He was cute but I was not interested...not really. So I gave him my phone number, lol. He called me almost a week later (I hate those damn dating rules/games folks play....but I'm not interested anyway soooo...). I started not to answer because I didn't recognize the number but I did anyway just because I can. We talked for less than 5 minutes and I knew he was not on my level. Nowhere near my level in fact. He asked to see me and I stuttered, stammered and otherwise stalled for time. Why couldn't I just say never like I usually do? A part of me was concerned that I might hurt his feelings or damage his ego. The other part of me couldn't figure out why I gave a damn. I'm used to hurting folks' feelings and damaging egos....with nary a care. Again, this newfound conscientiousness must be a sure sign of my grown and maturity. At any rate, I never gave dude a straight answer (not very mature of me) so he sent me a text message a couple days later. I gave him some line and he seemed to be satisfied because I've not heard from in two days. Maybe I haven't matured as much as I'd like to think.

On to other things. I once had this very very very good friend. We'll call him...Johnny. Johnny and I were down like four flat tires, I mean we were tight. I loved him fa sho, he was my ace. Well Johnny got involved with this woman and I was really really happy for him. I knew he loved her before he would admit it to himself. It made me happy to see him happy. Well after a while things started going awry. Johnny told me things about his ladylove that raised some red flags for me. Though I tried to remain impartial and optimistic for his sake, I quickly got to a point where I could no longer remain silent. First and foremost this young lady failed the test. Yeah "The Test". She didn't reach over and unlock his door (nor open it). I have never failed the test. That's just not something that a woman who is supposedly in love with a man would fail to do. Anyway, Johnny told me some other things about his ladylove that really distressed me and I soon started telling him to kick her to the curb. That was my first mistake...opening my big mouth. Soon after I made the mistake of withdrawing from him when he reached out to me. Yeah, I'm a selfish cad. I was having my own issues at the time and just couldn't see past my own shit. Needless to say, Johnny and I drifted apart. Now over the course of several months Johnny and I got back on speaking terms, we talked, laughed and shot the shit but it was never the same. It soon got to the point where he did most of the calling, he always asked me to hang out, etc. I put forth no effort to "fix us". Now in my own defense I must say that I was dealing with a struggle in my personal life (a 5'11" chocolate poured over steel struggle named "O"). I just didn't prioritize me and Johnny's friendship. I wish I had. Today, largely due to my self-centeredness, Johnny and I don't really speak at all. I miss him and the rapport we used to have. I've tried to repair the damage but alas, I think it is irreparable. I've thus been relegated to the forward list in his e-mail addy book and my calls go unanswered and for the most part unreturned. I can't say I'm surprised, angry or undeserving of this treatment though... because I so am. I sure do miss Johnny though. Damn, I seem to be preoccupied with men don't I, lol? What can I say, the more things change the more they stay the same.