What happened?

That's the question I keep asking myself..."what happened?"

Because something did happen. Something, a big-giant-ominous something came and sat its fat ass right on top of me and squashed me like a bug. It has me feeling some kinda way. Got me second guessing myself. Got me feeling insecure, resentful...fatalistic even. I'm still trying to figure out where it came from...how it all started. I hate this shit. But at the same time...I needed this. See, I have written my best work when I have been mired in misery. Not that I'm miserable right now...I just feel some kind way. I don't know, maybe it's because I haven't seen the sun in days and because I'm still getting over the last vestiges of this terrible cold. Perhaps it's due to the guilt trip my mother tried to levy upon me. But really, it's something I can't quite put my finger on yet. I have the distinct feeling that my life is about to implode. I'm afraid. I prayed about it this morning. I called on everyone...Eshu, Oya, Oshun, Ogun, Obatala, my Egun and Ori. I am so going to need them all very soon. My fingers are trembling as I type this.

Switching tracks....

I got my Blackberry Tour yesterday. It's so totally awesome! I wish it were awesome enough to ease this anxiety. Rats. Can't stop going back to that. I need a hug...and some kisses. And some back strokes and someone murmuring in my ear that everything is going to be okay. "You'll make it through whatever is coming...I know you will because you always do". "I'm here for you if you need me...though I know you're going to be just fine". "Don't worry, I got you". That's what I need right now. But I won't get it. And even though I won't get it...I'll still be just fine. I always am. I've been on my own for a very long time.

I hate this part

It's been a while since I've written...I mean really written. Lately, my words get stuck somewhere between my head, heart &  fingers. Tonight I am trying to relieve myself of this icky feeling I have.

I caught a terrible cold last Thursday. I suffered through the worst of it Saturday & Sunday but I'm on the mend today. Today I didn't go to work. I stayed home in bed and drowned myself in chicken noodle soup, hot tea & daytime tv. Seriously...who watches that shit?

Okay. I'm out of things to say for the moment. Blame it on the headache, stuffy runny nose and clock reading 11:58 PM.

Dante Thoughts Part IV...Opening to spirit (Originally posted on 12-18-05)

I feel so good today! I felt good yesterday too. I have put things into perspective and I am comfortable with all that transpired the week before last. My spirit is still deepening. I am still speaking to the soul of the universe...and now it is speaking back.



Monday, December 5th, Dante's spirit visited me. He came because I'd been calling to him. Every time my thoughts strayed to him, every time I said his name aloud, every time I lit a candle for him, every time I laughed at a memory of us together...I was calling out to him. And he answered me. Through sleep and dreams he came to me. The divine brought Dante and I together and spirit connects us. Our spirits will always be connected and as long as I live, Dante lives. That is comforting to me.



The dream I had about Dante made me happy and sad. It was hard for me dreaming that he was alive and well and then waking to his scent and the feel of him near me but knowing that he is gone from this plane of existence. I cried the entire day after I woke from that dream. I cried for the loss of him, I cried for the scent of him and I cried for the feel of him. I kept thinking that he was going to walk into the room and hug me. I kept expecting the phone to ring with his voice on the other end. It was a hard day for me. But I learned something about him and myself that day. I learned that our love is FOREVER. What we have has crossed from one plane of existence to another. I know that I must let go of the bitterness I feel towards his transition. He is always with me, has always been with me and will always be with me. I have but to whisper his name and he is even closer. He loves me still. He loves me so much that when I call on him he visits my dreams. How many can boast that kind of love?



So today I am at peace. I have been smiling and laughing all day. I am again a ray of light. Sometimes it's hard for me to understand why things happen when they do and how they do...but with time, it is always revealed to me. I am grateful for Dante's visitation. It does my heart and soul good to know that he is still thinking of me, loving me and longing to be near me. It comforts me knowing that he will come to me when I call out to him. That's real love...spiritual love...love that goes soul deep and beyond.

A tribute

You are my soulmate...always will be

Because of you I know my worth...because of you others will know my worth

You set the standard for which all will be measured

Your eyes twinkled with intelligence and mercy

Your voice soft but firm

You spoke psalms and poetry

You were and continue to be still water that runs deep

You are no less than spectacular, miraculous, my Alpha/Omega love

I am blessed to have you in the community of my ancestors/egun

You are still loved, still highly regarded, missed by many and forgotten by none

You have changed many lives...you continue to change mine

Thank you Dante

Loving you always,

Nicole

Ase-o!

I Am Becoming (Originally posted 12-16-05)

I'm not yet ready for "Him" because I'm still discovering me. How successful "He" and I will be depends on how well I know me. So I am not looking and I am not holding my breath. I am breathing...deeply. With each exhalation my fears disappear. I am being prepared. I am discovering, cultivating and loving me. I am evolving.



I am becoming

I can feel myself evolving, transitioning, changing

I am not whom I was when I woke up this morning

I can feel the deepening of my soul

I can sense the density of my spirit

I am becoming

I am an ever changing work in progress

Sometimes I regress but such is life

I think more, feel more, overstand more

I am learning to speak to the soul of the universe

I am discovering myself

I am learning to love myself, overstand myself, command myself, accept myself, forgive myself

I am becoming

I am experiencing my awakening

I am learning to accept without expectations

I am building

I am connecting and enjoying being connected

I am overcoming obstacles, forgiving those that have harmed me, blessing instead of cursing

I am becoming

I have peace

At night I can sleep

I am taming my carnal nature and embracing my instincts

I am heeding spirit, conquering fear and channeling harmony

I am loving, living, growing, bestowing upon others the gifts endowed to me by the Creator

I am becoming

I am humble

I am proud

I am learning to be still and discovering the value in silence

I am relinquishing my selfishness, diminishing my ego, increasing my patience

I am becoming

Dante Thoughts Part III: Last night I had a dream (Originally posted 12-5-05)

I dreamt that his death was a dream. In my dream he was a civil engineer working abroad. He flew home for my family's annual Christmas dinner...and on the very night of the dinner no less. A bus dropped him off at the front door and I was peeping out the window when he stepped off of it. In my mind I knew this couldn't be real because Dante is dead and has been dead for almost 5 years. But it was sooo real. I could feel the frost from the window against my nose, my breath condensed on the cold glass, I could hear the Christmas music in the background and smell Turkey and other holiday foods cooking. It was real...it had to be. I could see Dante's face break out into a smile when my grandmother walked up to him and hugged him hello. I hesitated in the doorway unsure what to do with myself. I kept telling myself this is a dream, only a dream. But then a voice whispered that actually, his death was the dream and this was reality. His death was a dream, albeit a prophetic dream. The voice told me that I had to warn Dante to go to the doctor and get his heart checked before it was too late. If he went to the doctor now I could save him, he didn't have to die, he could be saved if I take him to the doctor and get his heart checked right now, right now, right now, the voice insisted! After my grandmother finished greeting Dante his eyes searched until they found me. I didn't think it was possible but his smile grew wider, brighter, so big it dazzled me. He dropped his bags and I ran to him and threw my arms around his neck. We nearly tumbled to the floor. I felt him in my arms. I was not dreaming that, couldn't have been. He felt so real. I could hear his laughter ringing in my ears, smell his cologne tickling my nose, I felt his arms around me squeezing me tightly. God he felt so good, so real. We stood there for what seemed like hours just squeezing each other, my tears wetting his shoulder. He was real, I swear he was. But then I started to panic...he was going to die the voice said. I pulled him to the couch and made him sit with me and I told him we had to go to the doctor immediately. He laughed and told me I was being silly..."I'm fine", he said. I told him that his heart was a ticking time bomb and that on February twenty-first he was going to collapse and die from heart failure. His fingers stroked my cheek and he kissed me and said, "you worry too much, just enjoy me". After that how could I not? So I did. We kissed...deeply. He was exactly as I remembered him. Same smile, same voice, same long arms, same deep eyes, same warm body...everything just as it should be. But for some reason I was filled with anxiety. I knew he was going to die. I couldn't let him die, I needed him. Again I pressed him to go to the doctor so we could be sure he was okay and again he refused. He assured me we had all the time in the world.Then my grandmother's turkey timer went off to alert us that dinner was ready. At the same time my alarm clock went off jarring me from sleep. I turned the clock off and proceeded to cry hysterically, thoroughly soaking my pillow with my sorrow. It was just a dream after all.

I've been crying all morning. My eyes look like lasers. I was doing fine, I really was. I was thinking about him every now and again with no sadness, no pain. What changed? So I talked to him while I sat there in bed crying. I told him I missed him so much it was breaking my heart. I told him it felt like I'd lost him all over again. I told him that no man has ever loved me the way he loved me. I told him I needed him, couldn't go a day without thinking of him. Then I lit a candle for him and started getting ready for work. I cried the whole time. I'm crying now. I've not been this distraught over him in a while. I swear I thought I was gonna wake up and he was gonna be lying next to me smiling. That's how real that dream was. I could smell his cologne on my sheets and in the air, I could still feel his warmth on the left side of my bed...his head had left an indentation on the pillow on the left side of my bed. I never sleep on the left side of my bed! I wish he could come back to me and stay, I need him. Why'd he have to die? Why couldn't it be someone else, someone no one cared about. It isn't fucking fair! We were supposed to travel together, finish reading Aristotle together, go to the lake front and people watch together, lay in the Centennial Rose Garden and dream together, splash in the water at Fountain Square together...we were  supposed to grow old and die TOGETHER. The love of my life is gone and he is never coming back...ever. That is so final. It's so unfair...we'd only just begun. Now the tears won't stop. I don't think they'll ever stop.

Dante Thoughts Part II (Originally posted on 11-23-05)

This morning Dante was on my mind. I didn't cry and I wasn't sad. Actually I was quite happy. I reached back in remembrance and brought forth recollections of our most cherished times. I remember the summer we went to the Lake County Fair. That was a great day. We ate junk food until we were sick. We spent damn near the whole day throwing cups of water at each other, slipping ice cubes down one another's shirts and just generally acting foolish, lol. I remember how his hand felt in mine. Soft, warm, moist, his grip was firm...like he was afraid I would slip away. I remember how he smiled so deep it shown even in his eyes. He had the most beautiful lips I've ever seen on a man. Deep waves in his hair. His arms were so long he could wrap them around me twice. Now that I think about it, we were always throwing water at each other, lol. We had water balloon fights, we'd go to Fountain Square downtown and splash each other, we had water gun fights, we went to the beach once or twice a week every week, we went to the Y and he tried to teach me how to swim....wow, we were some water loving fools. I still can't swim though, lol. I remember how his hands felt when he smoothed sun block on my body. God I miss his hands. I miss his smile. I miss him. He used to tell me all the time that I should smile more. So I did. Just for him. I remember our first date. It was so awkward at first, lol. I still have the receipt from that first date. We met for pizza and spent 3 hours just talking. I remember our first kiss almost two months later. It was so sweet, so tender...at first anyway. Then it deepened. He kissed me like he could taste my soul. His fingers caressed my face, neck and shoulders, stroked my arms. I put my hands around his waist so I could pull him closer to me. I wasn't even looking for love when he came into my life. I was going through my divorce at the time and was so very uninterested in men. But then I met Dante. God I miss him. For our first and only christmas together he gave me the most precious gift I've ever received. No matter how long I live, no matter how much money someone spends on me, the gift Dante gave me will always always always be my most precious possession. He gave me every poem he'd ever written. It was wrapped beautifully, covered in tissue paper and topped off by a beautiful cover letter. God he loved me, he still loves me. I know he does because he said he always would. I feel his spirit with me. He touched me like I was made of fine spun glass. He touched me like I would shatter if handled too roughly. The first time we made love was terrible, lol. We were both so nervous...acting like inexperienced virgins. We were virgins to each other. He was the best I've ever had because he loved me soul deep. Not just with his body and words but with his very soul. He made me feel so loved and appreciated....like I was precious to him. I was precious to him. I am precious to him still. Our love did not die with him...it lives on in me.  He's resting in peace but still watching over me.

Remembrance without sadness is a beautiful thing. I sure do miss him. I'm going to post the first poem he wrote for me. He gave it to me on my birthday.



Love Inspiration

Surreal, a suppressed desire, a fantasy too good to be true, yet you're embedded in my mind

You have a compelling resonance, a glow about you, a radiant Diaspora of excelling beauty, immaculance and the essence of all that is heavenly

I want to be inside of you mentally, physically and spiritually

I want to know your precious thoughts, secret inhibitions and forgotten taboos

You're blessed with beauty that is envied by Venus

Beauty only surpassed by your genuine personality

The perfect creation unifying the impossible collation of human qualities; sexually seductive, intellectually superior, profound spiritually and angelic beauty suppressed only by your own self-imposed limitations and fears

Your honesty and truthfulness encompass me with tranquility and euphoria

You have brought a new energy, a new spontaneous revelation essential to my life

The overwhelming pleasure and ecstasy of savoring the taste of your soft, sweet, delicious lips

Dreams of embracing your warm, luscious, delicate body

With a dynamic shape that is so captivating it appears as an illusion

Touching your smooth, silky, bronze skin

Hypnotizing, deep, exotic eyes that enchant and allure me in a trance of intoxicating emotion resulting in the unrestricted passion of true love

Ask me about my love for you and I will tell you it flows deeper than blood, rooted securely in my heart never to part

The cardinal foundation of our developing love, effortless attraction against all odds and prevailing feelings ordained by fate

I'm blinded by my paramount, uncontrollable visions of my affection for you

Everyday I find reasons why my love continually grows endless and only for you



Now and Forever, Love Always,

Dante



That right there is one of the reasons I will never again settle for less than what I deserve. I know what I deserve...I've had it before with him. I wasn't looking for Dante and he just appeared in my life and changed it dramatically. He loved me deeper and better than I loved myself at the time. It's going to be difficult but I'm going to wait for another Dante. If the Creator did it once the Creator can do it again. I know that in this huge universe another Dante awaits me. I'm going to wait on him too.



I love you Dante