1 of 30

I recently accepted a challenge created by one of my twitter friends called 30 in 30. The idea is to write/post a new poem every day for 30 days. This promises to be very interesting for me seeing as how I've been going through some personal struggles as of late. At any rate, here's my first offering...

Gone

I really need you

My head and heart are hurting

I can't stop hurting

Grasping hands let go

Warm eyes suddenly go cold

Love lives here no more

Jezebel (including a series of Haiku )

You're only part time
No more than his sideline ho
How's that working out?

When he kisses you
You're tasting me on his lips
Savor my flavor

You're a scavenger
No better than a buzzard
I'm a lioness

You settle for scraps
Delighting in second place
You should kill yourself

Sad sad Jezebel
You try so very hard too
Poor attention whore

When it comes to cheating...I've been on both sides of the fence. I've been the main chick, the mistress and the clueless love blind fool. Most of my dirt was done in my early to mid 20's though. Maturity and karma tend to make you want to do better. Over the past few years I've been running into way too many Jezebels. The Jezebel is a female that preys upon men who are involved and/or men that other women have expressed an interest in. I was once  possessed by the Jezebel spirit. It started when I was 19. Typically, Jezebels are young insecure females who need lots of outside validation. They're usually easy to recognize because they thrive on being the center of attention. You'll find Jezebels sporting provocative clothing, speaking in breathy/whispery voices, accentuating physical attributes that induce males to think about copulating, posting risque pictures on the internet, etc. These methods are often used by the pigeon class of Jezebels. The more sophisticated vulture class of Jezebel is cunning and shrewd. The vulture class Jezebel employs pseudo intellect as well as over-sexualization (seduction) as a method to entrap males. I know...I've done it, so I recognize it when I see it. Sadly, the life of a Jezebel is not a happy one. They are often disappointed because their prey's attention cannot be sustained for long with such tomfoolery. Real relationships cannot be built upon trickery and shallowness.

I recently stumbled into the path of a vulture class Jezebel. It wasn't a pleasant experience, but it was mos def eye opening. This was one of the cleverest and most beguiling ulture Jezebels I'd ever encountered. She peddles her wares under the guise of "consciousness" and sisterhood. How wretched. Thinking her nothing more than what she appeared to be (a warm "conscious" sistah), I began sharing with her about a brotha I was very much interested in. He and I had been building for a while and I was quite smitten and loathe to keep my crush to myself. Big mistake. Shortly after I shared this information with her, the aforementioned brotha told me that she sent him private messages inquiring about the goings on between he and I. I thought that odd seeing as how she could have (nay, should have) asked me. Suspect behavior. Over the next couple weeks I noticed that whenever I mentioned the name of a male she would develop an interest in him. She gave her phone number to someone I once dated and was still very close to, she even reached out to my ex-boyfriend. Cause for concern? Not so much, but it did make me feel some kinda way. What bothered me most was what I perceived as flirty behavior between this vulture Jezebel and the brotha I was building with. I started paying closer attention to this female and noticed she had Jezebel tendencies. I wasn't the only one who noticed either. Since I used to be a Jezebel, I can usually spot them and determine their class. At any rate, I started to dislike this young female. I have no problem with flirting, I do it myself. I do, however, have a problem with females knowingly flirting with men they KNOW their so-called "favorite sistah" is interested in. Not cool. *Sidenote* She once told me about a brotha she was interested in. I scoped him but never said a word to him. I don't clown like that anymore. Since I'm not fond of devious females, I kept my interactions with this young vulture Jezebel at a minimum. Why bother interacting at all you ask? Well despite being a Jezebel, she shared a lot of interesting information with those she was acquainted with. How unfortunate that she hadn't internalized more of the sisterhood ideologies she espoused.

Wrapping it up. This young vulture Jezebel must have noticed that I started keeping her at arm's length (which is what you're supposed to do with snakes) because just a few days ago, she called herself putting me on blast. She claimed (without using my name) that I didn't like her (true), that I hated her (untrue) and that I was jealous of her (untrue). Never once did she acknowledge her devious behavior. Most Jezebels, regardless of class, are unaware that they are in fact Jezebels. They think their deviant behavior is acceptable and inoffensive. They're in for a rude awakening. I know I received mine. So I'm not at all surprised by her self-righteous spiel nor her egotistical outlook. That's typical Jezebel behavior.

In summation, I've learned from this most recent Jezebel encounter to keep my "crushes" to myself. I've also learned that males are just as susceptible to Jezebels today as they were when I was a young Jezebel. I'm still building with that brotha by the way, though he often catches hell from me for encouraging the vulture Jezebel.

That's all I have to say about that.

Hidden (Originally posted 5-12-06)

Hidden, but not for long. Everytime you open your mouth you lose a bone. Fuck skeletons in closets, there's a graveyard in your soul. Too old, not old enough, not grown enough to walk in truth. You lie because it just comes natural. And she. Pity mixed with revulsion. I'm beginning to detest you both. You spoke and your words clouded up like steamy showers. Your speech has no power. Lost on me like the sailors from the perfect storm. This ain't normal. Feeling earthquakes in my soul...shit is crumbling. Tumbling like the cooldown cycle on laundrymat dryers. I'm feeling no heat. I sleep and dream dreams, see things I'd rather not see. You don't feel me, too busy feeling yourself I suppose. God knows light was shed on this darkness but it was brief, like kids at the park at night with sparklers. I don't own ten lifetimes of honesty but honestly...I can be honest. I tell you the truth 99.9 percent of the time...I promise. So much to say and so little time in which to say it, I'm an old Isley Brothers vinyl and you just wanted to play it. Are you reading between these lines? They say, "I know what you did last summer". And back in March when we first began. Then again, a dime was dropped and the scene was discerned from the past couple years. No tears. I don't have the time, energy or desire to cry. I'm just pouring gasoline, dropping matches and watching shit burn and die. I tried, I really did, but almost has never been good enough. I understand change is tough, but that doesn't equate impossible. Now I'm a fossil. A glorious history embedded in an ornate shell. You can tell others how great it was before the molten lava of your lies caught up to us. Speak on trust that was not becuase the foundation was poured on deceit. Continue to creep with the girl next door. She's a whore filled with the spawn of maybe you...maybe him. I guess it all depends on her whim..."hmmm what dick will I sample today?......" Now y'all gonna play the D&C scrape game and maybe that mistake will wind up just another red stain. Virtuous indeed. Cloak yourself with righteousness if that helps you look in the mirror, but the truth is all over your spirit. You reek of uncompleted promises and broken dreams. Your garment of sanctity is torn at the seams. You talk about a redeemer yet your life and what you speak are diametrically opposed. Just put on some regular clothes because your white robes fool no one. You're as fucked up as they come. You tried to hide...but it was all in vain. Nothing remains hidden

This is dedicated to my now ex and his secret lover(s). Fuckers. I hope they both...live happily ever fucking after. Fin.

Not so precious

silently she spits
matted hair, tear stained face and drooping tits
she throws fits
soundlessly seething
barely controlled breathing
the seventh born child in her lap crying from teething
trapped
hopeless, helpless...she's sense-less
she did this
with every unprotected dick she rode she wrote her own sentence
the seeds bear witness to the smoke curling from her nostrils
dissipating in the ether like the money meant for food and pampers
stark reality hampers her escape
the first time was rape
after that it was old hat
turning tricks, she stopped counting the dicks after 45
she's more dead than alive
zombified waiting for an alternate existence
the child cries with more insistence but she doesn't seem to hear it
she sits and silently spits
completely unaware of her matted hair, tear stained face and drooping tits

What love is/ain't? (Originally posted 4-26-06)

I'm like you, I write too. It could be a limmerick or a haiku. My pen is swift and delivers true, if you try to bite my shit I'll fight you. Sometimes I rhyme but most times I don't, I could write a few paragraphs but today I won't. I'm just sitting here keystyling today, I should be working but I want to play. I write what I feel, think and see. I write some for you but mostly for me. I write to release, I write when I'm tense, I write to ease the pressure when nothing makes sense. I write to ease the pain and diffuse my anger, when I don't write away the blues I feel like my spirit is in danger. Sometimes I write like a wordsmith and sometimes I write like a novice, but everything I write comes from within...that's a promise. Today is an example of my less polished pieces, no one will confuse this for a dissertation or thesis. My grammar sucks and my spelling is sometimes off, but most can grasp my flow without getting lost.

Yeah, okay that's enough of that, lol. Today I want to talk about love. What is it about that little word that can cause so much big trouble? People have fought and died for love. People search their entire lives for love. Hell folks will even murder for love...or so some lunatics have claimed. "Love made me do it". I once had a very vivid dream about a man who murdered another man because he "loved" a woman so much. I wrote a poem about it and I would share it right now but I don't know where it is. But you see how passionate, how dedicated, how absolutely intense (obsessive) love can make some folks?

Love will make you do some crazy shit. Love will make you let down your guard even though you're scared as hell, love will make you slap a bitch, love will make you cut a fool. Once love (and a little bit of anger and of course mucho self-defense) made me almost beat a bitch to death. I was once involved with a man who just had to have more than one woman. She knew about me but I didn't know about her until later. One night I was at "my man's house" and she showed up...with a knife (unbeknownst to me at the time). Now I'm no punk but I ain't crazy either, so I called the cops just off GP. This was new jack city type stuff to me, I'd never been there, never done that and mos def didn't get the t-shirt/keychain/coffee mug. I don't know why, but he opened the door and let her in the house. Why would he do that? Well I'm not one to be punked so I went up to her and tried to kick her out, I didn't put my hands on her, I pitched something she gave him "two years prior" (per him) out the door hoping she'd follow it. Wrong move on my part because that bitch snapped. There was at least a foot of space between us and she launched herself at me. Now I just happened to be in various states of undress (it was well after midnight and he and I had been in the bed doing "it") so I was at a disadvantage. This chick got her hands in my hair and knocked me to the floor by kneeing me in the stomach. I have to tell you that after my breath whooshed out I saw darkness like Rick James whenever he looked at Eddie and Charlie Murphy. When I felt her tugging at my hair I saw R E D. No one touches my hair in a threatening manner...no one. I balled my fists up and started pummeling this chick in every soft spot I could find. When that didn't get her off me, I used my nails to claw her face/neck/arms, when that didn't work I started pulling her hair out, when that didn't work I used my fists and knees together. The whole time this punk ass muhfucka is in the background telling her to get off me. I was laying on the floor underneath her screaming, "I'ma kill both y'all bitches when I get up off this floor". It's kinda hard to fight when you're damn near butt ass naked and pinned to the floor. Her blood started dripping into my face and getting in my eyes so I had to close my eyes but I kept pounding on her. Still, she would not let me up. All this time the front door was open and the next thing I know, 8 cops come running in with guns drawn and big voices booming. It took 4 of those male cops to get this chick off me and the whole time I am still punching her with one hand, kicking her and clawing her with the other hand. She was BERSERK. They finally got her on her stomach and managed to cuff her and I got a good look at her. She was fucccccccked up. Both her eyes were swollen shut, her lip was busted, she had large patches in her head from where I'd ripped out her hair, scratches and gouges in her face from where I'd clawed her and she was just a bloody fucking mess. But despite it all, the bitch would not get off me. Now that's love for you. She took a serious ass kicking from me that night. The cops cuffed all 3 of us. I was mad as hell and screaming my half naked fool head off. I was just way beyond indignant. How the hell they gonna cuff me and I ain't got on no damn clothes...obviously I belonged there! Vagina all out and shit! Well they hauled me off to the back of the house so I could put something on and I was able to glance in the mirrror. I was very surprised at what I saw. My face was burning because the chick took her hands out of my hair long enough to scratch my face but there wasn't nearly as much damage as I expected. I was missing some hair too but not as much as she was. Don't get me wrong now, I was scratched the hell up but not nearly as I should have been for someone pinned to the floor by a maniac. The lady cop sat me down and told me to tell her what happened...so I did. She took the cuffs off me and they brought Mr. Punk Ass Muhfucka into the kitchen to get his story. He was still cuffed. Do you know this mofo had the nerve to say HE DIDN'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED! "They just started fighting", he says. I jumped off the chair so fast it flipped backwards, I was gonna kill that punk ass muhfucka! Good thing the lady cop was between us. She told me to stop screaming and calm down or she'd put the cuffs back on me. I sat my ass down. One of the male cops came into the kitchen and told me that due to the nature of the crazy chick's injuries I could be arrested but because she was technically trespassing and she had a weapon, I was getting away with self-defense. He told me she had severe lacerations that may require stitches, I'd almost broken her nose and I'd knocked out one of her teeth. I smiled at that but I kept quiet. I wanted to kill that bitch. I wanted to fuck him up too because that bitch came with a knife to put a serious hurting on me. I was hot. I pressed charges...he didn't. I wanted a restraining order but he wouldn't cooperate so they wouldn't give me one.

Ain't that a bitch? Three different people, all of them in various stages of love and all of them willing to go the distance to protect it. I found out later that that crazy bitch left her 5 year old daughter at home alone to come and take me out. How the hell she know I was gonna be there? He loved her so much though that he refused to back me up in court. Me, well I just looked like a damn fool. I loved him so much I overlooked things I shouldn't have and believed him when he told me I was the only one. Hmm. Perhaps that was just foolishness on my part.


At any rate. Do you see how love is? Love will drive you to do things that you normally wouldn't do. Love will make you blind. Love will make you protect folks even when they are dead wrong. But more than anything...love perseveres. After that incident I dropped that dude like he had Bubonic plague and he got back with his crazy knife wielding ex. They later broke up and he called me trying to get back but I now had the t-shirt/coffee mug/keychain. More important...I loved myself too much to even consider taking him back.



Fast forward to Wednesday, April 26, 2006......I am in love with a wonderful man. He is not perfect by any means, but he strives. Now I wouldn't cut a bitch for him but I will beat a bitch to death for myself. I realize that there are going to be challenges that he and I will face both as a couple and as individuals, but I am confident that he and I can do it together. Love brought us together, love will keep us together....we'll fight for that love.

 

Divine Speech A.K.A. MDW NTR (Originally posted 4-19-06)

"I can't live simply because I was born, I want to live because I have a dream."

    What is your dream? Are you living or merely surviving? Are you greeting each day with a smile despite the challenges and revelling in the possibilities of triumph? Are you dreading the trials and sulking because your present life doesn't fit your ideal life?  If the latter sounds like you, you need to get your mind right. Going through the fire purifies you, trials and tribulations are springboards that propel you into glorious opportunities for growth. Change your attitude and you can change your life! Always remember that the universe is conspiring with YOUR energy to either bring your dreams to fruition or destroy them. You want change? Speak change into your life! Practice that Divine Speech A.K.A. MDW NTR. Make speaking your dreams into existence an everyday routine like brushing your teeth and washing your face. At night predetermine your tomorrow. Seek alignment with your Ori  (your higher self). You can do this! You don't need help from anyone outside yourself...you can do this on your own. You just have to decide...to do it. Wake up in the morning and say, "Something better than what I possess at this moment in life is now manifesting for my highest good". But don't just speak it...believe it. Know it. Live it. Feel it! Have an image in your head as you speak, feel and know that all of your dreams can and will come true! Mine did and still are. I trust that y'all can and will be happy, prosperous, strong, victorious, surronded by love and walking in light....If I think you can YOU SHOULD KNOW YOU CAN! I love all of y'all! Walk in peace, abundance, light and love. Bless up!