Dante thoughts...my dearly departed soul mate (Originally posted 9-16-05)

Dante. Not a day goes by without thoughts of him flitting through my mind. He was the love of my life. No one loved me deeper or better than he did. Not even my ex-husband loved me so well as Dante. He's my Alpha/Omega love. Perhaps that's why I have so much trouble with dating and relationships. I'm comparing everyone I meet to a ghost. They will never measure up. Sometimes I miss him so much it causes physical pain. Today is one of those days where I am missing him more than usual. I don't really talk about him to others anymore because they all tell me that dwelling on him is unhealthy. I'm pretty sure it is but I can't seem to help myself. He's been gone almost 5 years now. In all that time I have fallen deeply in like with a few men but nothing akin to what Dante and I had. He was incredible. He died suddenly of a heart defect that no one knew of. I wrote something for him. I'm gonna visit him sometime this weekend and read it to him. When I have "relationship" malfunctions, I find that I miss Dante more. In my dark moments thoughts of Dante give me comfort. Those same thoughts also inspire melancholy though. I mean, he was my soul mate, I know this with every fiber of my being, and now he's gone. What am I supposed to do? I feel like now that he's gone there can be no one else for me. Soul mates are forever right? That certainly explains why I've experienced so many failed attempts at relating to other men. They are not "The One". "The One" is gone forever. Could this fatalistic attitude also be the cause of my failures? Perhaps. My soul mate been called to glory before me. Can you imagine living the rest of your life alone because your soul mate has passed away? Let's ponder the ramifications of that scenario. A soul mate by its very definition is a partner whose soul is intertwined with your own. This person is connected to you on a cosmic/spiritual level. What happens if they pass away? Physically, they are gone from you. What about spiritually? I'm a very spiritual person, not religious at all, but very spiritual. Not spiritual in the traditional sense either. I am not a christian and I do not hold to christianity (or any other western religions). Religion was created by man but spirituality is intrinsic. But I digress. On a spiritual level, Dante is still with me. I feel his presence...I know he's with me. I've often wondered if by pining away for him the way I do am I keeping him from being at rest. It's possible. It's quite possible, in fact highly probable that I drive away perfectly good suitors by pining away for a man that I can never again physically have. By tying his spirit to my own, I ensure that he has no rest and I also ensure that I cannot connect to anyone else spiritually. What a conundrum. How does one rectify a spiritual/metaphysical problem of this nature? Perhaps I've held on this long because I've not felt like I had closure with him. I mean he died so suddenly and I didn't go to the funeral. I feel guilty. Maybe I allow myself to stew in guilt because it's my way of serving penance (though I'm not a catholic) for giving him hell. I know I need to forgive myself and know that in his position, holding a grudge is neither important nor possible (or is it?). But he wasn't a grudge holding person. He was not petty nor was he mean spirited. I need to let him go for both our sakes. But it's hard. Quite the dilemma. I'm going to post the piece I composed for him. I was weeping as I wrote this. Not crying, but weeping. There's a fundamental difference.



Tonight I cried

My soul shed tears because you lied

You promised me forever but then you died

I spent today in a haze walking from place to place searching for traces of you in the faces of strangers

I'm in danger of falling apart

When you departed you took my heart to your grave

I'm constantly trying to stave off the sadness of your loss but madness is creeping up on me and it's costing me my sanity

My speech is laced with profanity and I wear a cloak of vanity to conceal my true hopelessness

My life is a series of messes and I can confess this because you know anyway, you see me and the things I go through for lack of having you

You were one of the best things to ever happen to me but now that you're gone my soul droops lower than our favorite Weeping Willow tree

I'm convinced there's no one else for me

An integral part of me died when you left this Earth and now I ask the rising sun if the light is worth spying if it doesn't shine on you lying next to me

I miss studying your sleeping face in expectancy of your eyes fluttering up, your hand reaching to cup my chin as you draw me in for a good morning kiss

Damn I miss you

I get so pissed at you

It's been almost 5 years since you left but I swear sometimes I still cry so hard that I can't catch my breath

Your death was the end of the me I knew, what good is life if I have to live it without you?

I know you wouldn't want me to despair but I swear, sometimes I find it's just so hard to keep in mind it was your time to leave

I can't conceive of another man taking your place

I don't want to look in the face of another and not see you...I need you

But you're gone

I can't believe you're really gone

I'm tired of trying to carry on without you, I wish I could stop thinking about you

Damn I miss you

I'm so pissed at you

You left me all alone