Update... (Originally posted 4-18-09)

1. Today -  I'm PMS'ing so watch out.

2. Last Friday -  DMG and I went to his great aunt's funeral - I wish I'd gotten the chance to know her. From the remembrances everyone shared she seemed like she was an awesome awesome lady. His family is really nice. After the funeral I went to church with him to listen to him play organ. He wound up playing the piano and drums...he's pretty damn good. After that we picked up some food and went home and watched movies until we passed out.

3. Last Saturday - My daughter and I had a girl's only outing so we took in a movie and did a little shopping. We had a really bad moment at Urban Outfitters (racial profiling) but otherwise, it was an okay outing. DMG came by that evening and me, him, Kari, Courtney and my guy Jahi all sat around playing Uno. We had a lot of fun.

4. Last Sunday - DMG had to play organ for an early Easter Sunday service but afterwards we drove to the south burbs and had dinner with my family. They were pretty well behaved with one or two exceptions. They seemed to welcome DMG pretty well...I was ready to reveal claws the minute someone stepped to my man the wrong way though, lol. I'm so protective of him even though he can take care of himself, lol. After dinner with my fam we went to DMG's church for an Easter Sunday evening service.

Whewwwweeeeeeeeeeeee! Let me tell y'all, that was a powerful damn service. I was crying like a baby. I mean I had a real breakthrough that night. As I said before, I don't plan on making some grand return to christianity but I'm open to whatever the Universe has in store for me. After service we went home and watched tv until we passed out.

*******************************************************************************

In summation...

I just cannot articulate how happy I am. This wonderful wonderful man has come into my life and just changed my entire outlook on love and the endless possibilities thereof. He just captured my heart out of nowhere. Sometimes I just want to cry I feel so blessed. This is it y'all. Damn, this was on my vision board you know. If y'all ain't up on vision board you better get your weight up. A large portion of the items I placed on my vision board have come to pass...no bullshit. Anyway, to all my peoples that were cheering for me, consoling me, advising me, loving me and just generally being a friend...I love y'all and I put that on everything. Peace, abundance, light and love to all y'all!

Finally... (Originally posted 4-12-06)

Or maybe I should say "At Last" like Etta James. Yeah I think I will...take a look at the lyrics:

At last my love has come along
My lonely days are over
And life is like a song
At last the skies above are blue
And my heart was wrapped up in clover
The night I looked at you
I found a dream that I can speak to
A dream that I could call my own
I found a thrill to press my cheek to
A thrill that I have never known
You smiled, and then the spell was cast
And here we are in heaven
And you are mine at last



That is how DMG makes me feel. Sometimes I get so scared though. Sometimes I'm afraid I'll wake up and he will have just been a dream. Then he strokes my cheek, reassures me I'm not dreaming, he ain't leaving and we will be together always. This man loves me to death! I mean he really really loves me. Every time I think about it, every time he does something to show it, every time he says it...I'm just amazed. Not because I think I'm unworthy, but because it of the apparent depth and breadth of his love for me. I was not looking for him, I was not interested in dating or falling in love, I was actually thinking that I may have spend a very long time by myself. Then things with him just sort of...blossomed. It happened soooo quickly. We've known each other for 6 years but I never before thought about dating him. I mean...we were just friends. But no we're so much more. Everything I went through to be with this man today has been worth it. All the tears, the cursing, the disappointments....all that shit was worth it. I am wide open and smokin'. I smile all the time now. Those of you who know me personally know that this in itself is a miracle. I am not a smiley face person, I usually don a serious face because smiling makes me feel weak and vulnerable. Now I stay smiling, lol. Strangers want to know what's up, they call my smile beatific. My co-worker said I "got that glow", lol. He's amazing. I mean he is just an awesome man. I have never encountered anyone so willing to help others, so willing to encourage those needing encouragement. He is so kind, so giving, so patient, so sincere, so... (ick)christ like. He got me to do something I said I'd never do again. I went to church y'all. Slow ya roll, I ain't about to make a grand return to christianity or nothin' like that,  I just went to hear him play piano and organ. He is splendid on the keys, just really talented. He plays 13 instruments. He also sings and writes music. Actually, everyone in his family is musically gifted. Almost everyone sings and/or plays an instrument or two. But let me not digress. He is beginning to mean a lot to me. I think about him all the time. When we're apart I cannot wait to see him again. He has pictures of me up in his house. I have a picture of him up in mine. When we aren't together we're on the phone with each other. We will talk for hours and hours and hours. Good thing we're both "In", lol. I would gladly have this man's little green eyed beige skinned babies...okay, well maybe not, but I'd think about it. I guess, lol. He makes me happy. I make him happy. When I am with him everything looks different...feels different....smells different...I'm different. We are good together. He always opens doors for me. He always walks on the outside. He has this way of putting his hand in the small of my back when we're walking that just makes me feel so....safe, desirable, protected, etc. I love his mind, hugs, kisses, his laugh, his eyes, his cute little nose, his long fingers, the way he dresses, the way he smells, the way he carries himself, his genuine love of people and music. He makes me want to be a better person. He compliments me. He feels like the other part of me that I've been trying to find. I love his sense of humor, it's wicked. Wow. He lavishes me with his time and attention. He is spoiling me. I like it. I want to spoil him back. I won't be afraid. I will love him without restraint and I will let him return the favor. He's willing to give me keys to his house. I'd rather have the key to his heart....but I'll take the key to the crib too, lol. He said that he belongs to me and I belong to him. I did not disagree. He said he wants to be with me forever. I told him he could.

He said I'm his dream girl (Originally posted 4-6-06)

He loves me for me. Despite my perceived imperfections, despite my occasional lapses of self-confidence, despite my pendulum like mood swings, despite my rants, raves and road rage....he loves me for me. He ignores my seething sarcasm, laughs at my dumb ass jokes, kisses my hand, strokes my hair, whispers in my ear, hugs me without me having to ask...and he does it all because I am who I am. I am good enough for him. He doesn't want me to change....well he wants me to be a little more patient, but other than that he tells me I'm wonderful just as I am. He loves me for me....despite my hang ups, idiosyncrasies and eccentricities. He calls me every day, he wants to see me all the time, he loves my eyes, he loves my lips, he thinks I'm cute, beautiful and sexy, he calls me baby, he thinks I'm special....he goes out of his way to make sure I feel special. He's special. I'm glad I stopped running from him. Six years is a long time to run. I'm glad I let him catch me. He makes me happy. I'm smiling right now, lol.

He's Butta...a work of fiction (Originally posted 3-13-06)

Butta' skin

Soup coola' lips

Your green cat eyes chart visual trails from my lips to my hips

Your fingertips slow drag from the base of my throat to the curve of my shoulders, slowly removing my blouse from over my slim frame

The same hands that evoke passionate tunes from the ebony/ivory keys are about to bring this brown fox to her knees

I can't wait for you to please me with that quick pink tongue

Moist soft dampness on my neck got me feeling sprung from my abstinence trap

You have wrung from my body all manner of hot wetness

In a thousand years I still won't be able to forget this

I'll still want to relive this...over and over and over...

Lest I explode from the sweet agony of anticipation please please appease me with your romancipation

I want our clothes removed fast but slow to the glow of the candles illuminating your room

John Coltrane's tempo makes me swoon as you lick my skin

Just dive on in and swim in me

Consume me, get drunk off me...straight inebriated

Let me taste it...I don't believe in wasting it

My sweetness made sweeter still with your added flavor

I want to savor every moan, every touch from you

I don't know how much I can take from you

But I want you to fill me to overflowing

Sowing your seed to the deepest reaches of my being

Your love loving me so good I think I'm seeing double

Damn I'm in trouble

I never figured you'd put it on me like this, whispering nasty words in my ear as you strum me like your guitar

By far, you are enough for me

Got me singing sweetly like your alto sax while you drip hot wax on my curves

I like how you swerve all up and through my honey places

Both of us making those pre-orgasmic faces as we try to pace ourselves

I run and you give chase, kissing trails of your sugar down my face to the valley where my navel awaits

But wait, no baby, I need you inside me once more

Explore all my deep coves, don't stop until you find my treasure trove

Unlock me,  set free the nasty little demon in me

Fuck me harder but slow

I want to know that you can handle it

Shit, I can't handle it

I

Am

About

To

Explode

That was a keystyle. It was inspired by someone I know, someone I had a several hours long conversation with last night. We didn't talk about sex or anything provocative, no, nothing like that. It was the cadence of his voice.....but mostly me needing to be stroked. I was feeling sexy as we spoke. The room was dark. It was quiet, all except for our voices vollying the conversation. I'm sure he had no idea that I was undressing him in my mind. Tongue bathing him as we laughed about Dave Chapelle's antics. Imagining his lips leaving trails of hot spots from my neck to my calf and back up again. I had to lock my thighs together to try and calm the throbbing in my nether regions. Goddamn it. I'm hornier than a moat full of mutated toads. I am just dying for a good ramming. But I've sworn off sex. No more sex until "he" arrives. I am a prisoner of my own flesh. Tortured daily by my insatiable libido. Just looking at a man's crotch is enough to get me dripping and ready. *Sigh*

C'est la vie

Creeping back slowly...maybe (Originally posted 3-8-06)

Well sorta.


I have nothing in particular to say today so this will just be a blog full of random ramblings. I'm horny. I've not had sex in a while. So long that I can't remember when I last got some. Strangely enough, I'm not as upset about that as I would have been say...four months ago.  I mean I want some but I'd rather have meaningful sex than "I'm horny and any random dick will do" sex. I guess you can say I'm growing up, lol. I've not had a date in a while either. I used to be somewhat of a serial dater. That too has ceased. I don't want to date anymore. I mean I want to...but I don't. I'm not interested in starting over. The thought of having to take the time to get to know new men makes me yawn and feel suddenly tired. I used to be excited about the prospect of meeting new men, for me it was like getting a new toy. Now I'm like a 5 year old a week after Christmas...just not interested. What does that mean? Is this new attitude also indicative of my burgeoning maturity level? Perhaps I've just grown weary of the dating game. Either way it goes, I will remain single for the time being.

In other news, I've grown very fond of bowling. I've gone a few times with my family and had a blast every time. Now in order to be a real bowler, I have to get my own shoes and personalized ball and bag. Oh, and I have to bowl over 85, lol. The last time I went bowling I met this guy...he was kinda young. I told him I was 35 so he would leave me the hell alone. He was undeterred. He was cute but I was not interested...not really. So I gave him my phone number, lol. He called me almost a week later (I hate those damn dating rules/games folks play....but I'm not interested anyway soooo...). I started not to answer because I didn't recognize the number but I did anyway just because I can. We talked for less than 5 minutes and I knew he was not on my level. Nowhere near my level in fact. He asked to see me and I stuttered, stammered and otherwise stalled for time. Why couldn't I just say never like I usually do? A part of me was concerned that I might hurt his feelings or damage his ego. The other part of me couldn't figure out why I gave a damn. I'm used to hurting folks' feelings and damaging egos....with nary a care. Again, this newfound conscientiousness must be a sure sign of my grown and maturity. At any rate, I never gave dude a straight answer (not very mature of me) so he sent me a text message a couple days later. I gave him some line and he seemed to be satisfied because I've not heard from in two days. Maybe I haven't matured as much as I'd like to think.

On to other things. I once had this very very very good friend. We'll call him...Johnny. Johnny and I were down like four flat tires, I mean we were tight. I loved him fa sho, he was my ace. Well Johnny got involved with this woman and I was really really happy for him. I knew he loved her before he would admit it to himself. It made me happy to see him happy. Well after a while things started going awry. Johnny told me things about his ladylove that raised some red flags for me. Though I tried to remain impartial and optimistic for his sake, I quickly got to a point where I could no longer remain silent. First and foremost this young lady failed the test. Yeah "The Test". She didn't reach over and unlock his door (nor open it). I have never failed the test. That's just not something that a woman who is supposedly in love with a man would fail to do. Anyway, Johnny told me some other things about his ladylove that really distressed me and I soon started telling him to kick her to the curb. That was my first mistake...opening my big mouth. Soon after I made the mistake of withdrawing from him when he reached out to me. Yeah, I'm a selfish cad. I was having my own issues at the time and just couldn't see past my own shit. Needless to say, Johnny and I drifted apart. Now over the course of several months Johnny and I got back on speaking terms, we talked, laughed and shot the shit but it was never the same. It soon got to the point where he did most of the calling, he always asked me to hang out, etc. I put forth no effort to "fix us". Now in my own defense I must say that I was dealing with a struggle in my personal life (a 5'11" chocolate poured over steel struggle named "O"). I just didn't prioritize me and Johnny's friendship. I wish I had. Today, largely due to my self-centeredness, Johnny and I don't really speak at all. I miss him and the rapport we used to have. I've tried to repair the damage but alas, I think it is irreparable. I've thus been relegated to the forward list in his e-mail addy book and my calls go unanswered and for the most part unreturned. I can't say I'm surprised, angry or undeserving of this treatment though... because I so am. I sure do miss Johnny though. Damn, I seem to be preoccupied with men don't I, lol? What can I say, the more things change the more they stay the same.

Something is wrong with me (Originally posted 2-7-06)

I mean just really wrong. Today I went from feeling nothing at all to feeling enraged...all in 0-10 seconds. That is not normal. Over the past few weeks I have felt no sadness, not much anger (except when I was stuck in traffic or speaking to my ex-husband), not much joy (though I was in pretty good spirits or at least I put on an act so good I fooled everyone, myself included)....just not feeling much of anything. I've not really been in the mood to write, haven't really put forth any effort to communicate with anyone...I kinda feel like a zombie. I've just been walking around doing what needs to be done but not really enjoying any of it. I've not had many complaints other than being horny and not wanting to fuck anyone from my past nor put effort into meeting someone new.

Is this what depression feels like? Am I depressed? I don't feel depressed. I'm not having thoughts of death or suicide. I am bored out of my mind and thinking there has to be more to life than this humdrum though. 10 minutes ago I was so angry I wanted to just go out and fuck somebody up with my aluminum Louisville Slugger. No one in particular, just whomever happened to cross my path. But as quickly as the impulse was born, so it expired. Yeah, something is really wrong with me. My creative drive is gone. I feel like everything I've written thus far has been a fluke. That pisses me off. I am fucking frustrated. I have lost my voice. See, there I go again with the anger. Sometimes I feel like I'm in one of those hamster/gerbil/guinea pig wheels....just going round and round and round but  not really going any-fucking-where. Add that annoying ass squeaking noise to the equation. That is my conundrum.

I have no idea what transpired in my life over the past two months to drive me to this place. I've tried to reflect but I'm sorely lacking the patience to do so. Even writing this entry is taxing my patience. I am slipping in and out of anger....and it's all because I cannot pinpoint the cause of my distress. Maybe I'm crazy. Yeah, I’ve lost my natural mind. Someone call the men with the white coat so they can lock my cuckoo ass up in a padded white room. I read somewhere that crazy people don’t doubt their sanity. Does that mean I’m perfectly sane, because I doubt the hell out of my sanity sometimes. 

It just occurred to me that I have lost more friends in the past 6 months than I’ve made over the past 2 years. Isn’t that something? I’ve lost them because I’ve either said some out of pocket shit to them or because I’ve been negligent about keeping in touch with them. I’m bad at nurturing relationships. I fear commitment (any type of commitment) like virgin gay boys fear the general population at a maximum security prison. Their assholes and my heart could be potentially ripped apart. Now that’s a color metaphor for that ass, lol. I’m spent now. I’ve been writing this blog for the past 4 hours and all I have is 3 measly paragraphs. Now is the time for mental diarrhea…too bad I’m constipated.