I've been keeping a secret...

Over the summer I *ahem* chopped off my locs. I'm almost certain I let the cat out the bag a while back when I twit pic'ed a picture, but I was trying to hold off the big announcement until the video production was finished. It was so hard not to post more recent pictures in the the public arena because I so wanted to share my new look. In the end, I'm glad I waited until the video was finished, it turned out really well. 

Some folks didn't understand why I did this big loc chop, but for the most part, many folks were supportive of my decision. My BFF was very supportive, he filmed, edited and co-produced the entire project. Both the hair cut and the video turned out very nice and I'm quite pleased with both.




For those who didn't know, I'd been growing my locs for a little over two years and six months. I had a love/hate relationship with my locs and the energies I felt were trapped inside of them. Because of that constant inner conflict, I finally decided to just chop them off. Take a look and let me know what you think...









In the four months since my big loc chop I find myself missing my locs at times. It isn't an overwhelming feeling of loss, just a slight feeling of nostalgia, lol. I'm enjoying having my head full of soft swirly curls back though and wouldn't change a thing. Have any of you made major personal changes recently? How did you feel afterward? Let a sistah know!

Destroy/Create

I'm not very happy right now. Because I'm not very happy I've not been in the mood to blog or upload videos. My face has become my enemy due to the most awful acne I've had since I was in the 7th grade and well through high school. That picture is from a good face day (no foundation, concealer or photoshopping). Sometimes I don't want to leave my bed let alone the house. My fingers should be bloody from all the job applications I've filled out, my brain hurts due to constant stress and worry and my one comfort is keeping my nose deep in books. Oh, and watching mind numbing shit on television. I've nearly driven my children to mental breakdowns with the many lectures I subject them to about the importance of getting an education and becoming entrepreneurs and not work horses for some wage slave driver. Last hired first fired is no joke...especially when unemployment among black women 20 years and older is at 13.4% (roughly). 

Despite my stress and worries, I try to smile. I try to keep a PMA, but that shit doesn't always fly. I find myself throwing pity parties. My losses over the past two years are the confetti. My mother passed in 2009, I was in an awful car accident that cost me my car and job in 2010, I have horrid head/neck/back pains whenever the weather changes, my brother passed in 2010 and here it is a solid year after my car accident and I'm still unemployed and have yet to see justice done concerning the old bat who rammed me twice with her car. Yep, that's pity party confetti. 


After the party, I put a spin on things. I tell myself that I have just undergone what amounts to a physical/spiritual volcanic eruption. Although volcanoes destroy everything in their wake in a hellish fiery molten liquid fury...they also create new land masses. Beautiful black sand beaches have been created by volcanic eruptions. When all has been cooled and calmed down, life springs forth from "the ruin". This is what I tell myself because this is what I have seen on those nature shows on public television. I've also seen it in Encyclopedia Brittanica (back before Google and Wikipedia). I have even seen this in my own life.

I have been laid off 4 times in the past 10 years. I have struggled mightily. I have been rocked to my foundation, brought low, crushed. But somehow...I always bounce back. Granted, in the past, the bounce never took so long as this current upheaval. I suppose that's what's really bothering me. Wondering when this shit will be over and I'll be back on solid ground. It's hard to keep a PMA when you have two growing teens who need tons of food and clothing for their ever growing bodies. Let's not even talk about upcoming college tuition. Sometimes I feel fucked and PMA can't be spoon fed to hungry mouths. But I'm devolving again. This is supposed to be uplifting me.


I read something today that shined a light in my darkness...

"This month I choose to only see positive energy wherever I go. If a problem comes up, I repeatedly say: All is well. Everything is working out for my highest good. Out of this experience, only good will come. I am safe. By repeating this, I calm down and give the Universe time to fix the situation in the best possible way for all. My life is a joy!" - Louise L. Hay

And I want to know deep down in the primal parts of my soul that this is true. But sometimes I'm not so sure. But that's the pessimist in me right? I need to kill her so the optimistic realist can thrive...right? Yeah. Now I'm going to go don a billowy gossamer gown and flower garland and dance in a beautiful meadow. < end sarcasm >

Sorting it all out and putting the pieces back together

Hi.


Things have been...rough. My brother Bryan passed away Wednesday, October 6, 2010. My emotions have been on a roller coaster ride. So much has happened in so little time. I was in a terrible car accident in May, lost my job in June, lost my mother last December, my younger sister has declared war on the entire family and my Sun is losing his ever loving mind. But...I'm okay. I cry, I pray and I carry on. I'm learning how to smile and laugh again. I'm learning how to find joy again. Slowly but surely, I am. I miss my mother and my brother. Sometimes I find it hard to believe that they are gone from this plane of existence. I'm still grieving but I'm also celebrating their lives. I didn't always agree with how my mother and brother lived their lives, but I now realize that they lived life on their own terms. They did things their way. There's much I can learn from them and the way they lived. I am so very glad for the time I had with them. I am so very glad that they are now past all of their pain and suffering. I still miss them...I will miss them for a very long time to come. But as long as I live...they live too. Rest in Power Judith McGee 9-6-56 to 12-7-09. Rest in Power Bryan Keith Roger McGee 9-9-84 to 10-6-10.

Been a while...

I must admit, I am not at my best
Since my mentality is overrun with negativity, that's what I manifest
Yes, I confess, I'm a hot ass mess
I'm tired, unhealthy and breaking down from stress

Blah
That was wack
But it's my truth

I just want to be very still and quiet until this hard time passes
I miss my mother
I'm dissatisfied with my job
My children are driving me nuts
I'm pms'ing
And there's more bills than money to pay them

But I'm okay
I have been waking up every day
I can see
Hear
Walk
Talk
And my car still does what it's supposed to

I'm blessed
I am
But I'm also very tired


I've been having very bad headaches and chest pains
I keep most of that news to myself because there's little anyone can do to stop it
I'm not in the best of moods right now
Not in the best head space
That's why I've just been keeping to myself mostly

This is temporary...just like everything else
That is all

Reinvention...?

I'm going through changes. As always...for a daughter of Oya. I've not been keeping my blog or youtube channel up to date...that will change very soon though. Lately, I am more into fashion, nail polish and makeup than I am into politrix and other "important" musings. I am blossoming into an entirely different creature during this third of my life. It feels different...and good *big smile*


I'm not sure how this journey will conclude, but I am certainly going to enjoy the process. Let the metamorphosis commence!

8 of 30

I recently accepted a challenge created by one of my twitter friends called 30 in 30. The idea is to write/post a new poem every day for 30 days. This promises to be very interesting for me seeing as how I've been going through some personal struggles as of late. At any rate, here's my eighth offering...



Mood Swing


Occular condensation threatening to fall
Stinging the rim, ruining the kohl liner
Fingers tremble
Phrases dance dizzily along the synapses
Firing
Misfiring
Misaligned
Malignant emotions pouring forth from her subtle spirit
Deeper than oceans
Same sad song sung by pouting ruby lips
Tipping hats to cats that feel most comfortable on hot tin roofs
She's proof that loyalty goes unrewarded
Lavender happy-go-lucky to moody blue could have been avoided
Joy skipped away hand-in-hand with peace and now...
Dis-ease runs amuck
What the fuck?
Switch it up


There will be no more raining on this here parade
Take your tired, wish I wish I wish making ass to those who like playing charades
I'm made of something you can't even handle
I'm a solar storm and you're a fucking candle
Your wick is burning out and so is my patience
Do better or be gone
I'm done

1 of 30

I recently accepted a challenge created by one of my twitter friends called 30 in 30. The idea is to write/post a new poem every day for 30 days. This promises to be very interesting for me seeing as how I've been going through some personal struggles as of late. At any rate, here's my first offering...

Gone

I really need you

My head and heart are hurting

I can't stop hurting

Grasping hands let go

Warm eyes suddenly go cold

Love lives here no more

Divine Speech A.K.A. MDW NTR (Originally posted 4-19-06)

"I can't live simply because I was born, I want to live because I have a dream."

    What is your dream? Are you living or merely surviving? Are you greeting each day with a smile despite the challenges and revelling in the possibilities of triumph? Are you dreading the trials and sulking because your present life doesn't fit your ideal life?  If the latter sounds like you, you need to get your mind right. Going through the fire purifies you, trials and tribulations are springboards that propel you into glorious opportunities for growth. Change your attitude and you can change your life! Always remember that the universe is conspiring with YOUR energy to either bring your dreams to fruition or destroy them. You want change? Speak change into your life! Practice that Divine Speech A.K.A. MDW NTR. Make speaking your dreams into existence an everyday routine like brushing your teeth and washing your face. At night predetermine your tomorrow. Seek alignment with your Ori  (your higher self). You can do this! You don't need help from anyone outside yourself...you can do this on your own. You just have to decide...to do it. Wake up in the morning and say, "Something better than what I possess at this moment in life is now manifesting for my highest good". But don't just speak it...believe it. Know it. Live it. Feel it! Have an image in your head as you speak, feel and know that all of your dreams can and will come true! Mine did and still are. I trust that y'all can and will be happy, prosperous, strong, victorious, surronded by love and walking in light....If I think you can YOU SHOULD KNOW YOU CAN! I love all of y'all! Walk in peace, abundance, light and love. Bless up!

Creeping back slowly...maybe (Originally posted 3-8-06)

Well sorta.


I have nothing in particular to say today so this will just be a blog full of random ramblings. I'm horny. I've not had sex in a while. So long that I can't remember when I last got some. Strangely enough, I'm not as upset about that as I would have been say...four months ago.  I mean I want some but I'd rather have meaningful sex than "I'm horny and any random dick will do" sex. I guess you can say I'm growing up, lol. I've not had a date in a while either. I used to be somewhat of a serial dater. That too has ceased. I don't want to date anymore. I mean I want to...but I don't. I'm not interested in starting over. The thought of having to take the time to get to know new men makes me yawn and feel suddenly tired. I used to be excited about the prospect of meeting new men, for me it was like getting a new toy. Now I'm like a 5 year old a week after Christmas...just not interested. What does that mean? Is this new attitude also indicative of my burgeoning maturity level? Perhaps I've just grown weary of the dating game. Either way it goes, I will remain single for the time being.

In other news, I've grown very fond of bowling. I've gone a few times with my family and had a blast every time. Now in order to be a real bowler, I have to get my own shoes and personalized ball and bag. Oh, and I have to bowl over 85, lol. The last time I went bowling I met this guy...he was kinda young. I told him I was 35 so he would leave me the hell alone. He was undeterred. He was cute but I was not interested...not really. So I gave him my phone number, lol. He called me almost a week later (I hate those damn dating rules/games folks play....but I'm not interested anyway soooo...). I started not to answer because I didn't recognize the number but I did anyway just because I can. We talked for less than 5 minutes and I knew he was not on my level. Nowhere near my level in fact. He asked to see me and I stuttered, stammered and otherwise stalled for time. Why couldn't I just say never like I usually do? A part of me was concerned that I might hurt his feelings or damage his ego. The other part of me couldn't figure out why I gave a damn. I'm used to hurting folks' feelings and damaging egos....with nary a care. Again, this newfound conscientiousness must be a sure sign of my grown and maturity. At any rate, I never gave dude a straight answer (not very mature of me) so he sent me a text message a couple days later. I gave him some line and he seemed to be satisfied because I've not heard from in two days. Maybe I haven't matured as much as I'd like to think.

On to other things. I once had this very very very good friend. We'll call him...Johnny. Johnny and I were down like four flat tires, I mean we were tight. I loved him fa sho, he was my ace. Well Johnny got involved with this woman and I was really really happy for him. I knew he loved her before he would admit it to himself. It made me happy to see him happy. Well after a while things started going awry. Johnny told me things about his ladylove that raised some red flags for me. Though I tried to remain impartial and optimistic for his sake, I quickly got to a point where I could no longer remain silent. First and foremost this young lady failed the test. Yeah "The Test". She didn't reach over and unlock his door (nor open it). I have never failed the test. That's just not something that a woman who is supposedly in love with a man would fail to do. Anyway, Johnny told me some other things about his ladylove that really distressed me and I soon started telling him to kick her to the curb. That was my first mistake...opening my big mouth. Soon after I made the mistake of withdrawing from him when he reached out to me. Yeah, I'm a selfish cad. I was having my own issues at the time and just couldn't see past my own shit. Needless to say, Johnny and I drifted apart. Now over the course of several months Johnny and I got back on speaking terms, we talked, laughed and shot the shit but it was never the same. It soon got to the point where he did most of the calling, he always asked me to hang out, etc. I put forth no effort to "fix us". Now in my own defense I must say that I was dealing with a struggle in my personal life (a 5'11" chocolate poured over steel struggle named "O"). I just didn't prioritize me and Johnny's friendship. I wish I had. Today, largely due to my self-centeredness, Johnny and I don't really speak at all. I miss him and the rapport we used to have. I've tried to repair the damage but alas, I think it is irreparable. I've thus been relegated to the forward list in his e-mail addy book and my calls go unanswered and for the most part unreturned. I can't say I'm surprised, angry or undeserving of this treatment though... because I so am. I sure do miss Johnny though. Damn, I seem to be preoccupied with men don't I, lol? What can I say, the more things change the more they stay the same.

Something is wrong with me (Originally posted 2-7-06)

I mean just really wrong. Today I went from feeling nothing at all to feeling enraged...all in 0-10 seconds. That is not normal. Over the past few weeks I have felt no sadness, not much anger (except when I was stuck in traffic or speaking to my ex-husband), not much joy (though I was in pretty good spirits or at least I put on an act so good I fooled everyone, myself included)....just not feeling much of anything. I've not really been in the mood to write, haven't really put forth any effort to communicate with anyone...I kinda feel like a zombie. I've just been walking around doing what needs to be done but not really enjoying any of it. I've not had many complaints other than being horny and not wanting to fuck anyone from my past nor put effort into meeting someone new.

Is this what depression feels like? Am I depressed? I don't feel depressed. I'm not having thoughts of death or suicide. I am bored out of my mind and thinking there has to be more to life than this humdrum though. 10 minutes ago I was so angry I wanted to just go out and fuck somebody up with my aluminum Louisville Slugger. No one in particular, just whomever happened to cross my path. But as quickly as the impulse was born, so it expired. Yeah, something is really wrong with me. My creative drive is gone. I feel like everything I've written thus far has been a fluke. That pisses me off. I am fucking frustrated. I have lost my voice. See, there I go again with the anger. Sometimes I feel like I'm in one of those hamster/gerbil/guinea pig wheels....just going round and round and round but  not really going any-fucking-where. Add that annoying ass squeaking noise to the equation. That is my conundrum.

I have no idea what transpired in my life over the past two months to drive me to this place. I've tried to reflect but I'm sorely lacking the patience to do so. Even writing this entry is taxing my patience. I am slipping in and out of anger....and it's all because I cannot pinpoint the cause of my distress. Maybe I'm crazy. Yeah, I’ve lost my natural mind. Someone call the men with the white coat so they can lock my cuckoo ass up in a padded white room. I read somewhere that crazy people don’t doubt their sanity. Does that mean I’m perfectly sane, because I doubt the hell out of my sanity sometimes. 

It just occurred to me that I have lost more friends in the past 6 months than I’ve made over the past 2 years. Isn’t that something? I’ve lost them because I’ve either said some out of pocket shit to them or because I’ve been negligent about keeping in touch with them. I’m bad at nurturing relationships. I fear commitment (any type of commitment) like virgin gay boys fear the general population at a maximum security prison. Their assholes and my heart could be potentially ripped apart. Now that’s a color metaphor for that ass, lol. I’m spent now. I’ve been writing this blog for the past 4 hours and all I have is 3 measly paragraphs. Now is the time for mental diarrhea…too bad I’m constipated.

Hurt, but not as hurt as Trent Reznor (Originally posted 1-8-06)

I was reading the blog of one of my Sistah Associates and a song was playing. I don't know the name of the song but it reminded me of Hurt by Nine Inch Nails. Hurt is my wallow song. When I'm mad at the world or just feeling sick and tired, I play Hurt and it reminds me that my life is a beautiful struggle and I wouldn't have it any other way. It also serves as a warning not to wallow too long....the blues ain't no joke for some folks. Poor poor tortured Trent Reznor. Here are the lyrics if you're so inclined to read them:



"Hurt"

I hurt myself today
to see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
the only thing that's real
the needle tears a hole
the old familiar sting
try to kill it all away
but I remember everything

what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end
you could have it all
my empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of shit
upon my liar's chair
full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
beneath the stains of time
the feeling disappear
you are someone else
I am still right here

what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end

you could have it all
my empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
if I could start again
a million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

Although I know that the Universe is conspiring with my energy to manifest things for my highest good, I still get stuck on bullshit sometimes. I am thinking of the disappointments I've experienced over the past few days. I opened myself up to a lot of it by going against my better judgment, but I also realize the world is populated by many low-life ass people. I'm angry, I'm kind of sad, I'm tired, I haven't been sleeping well, I've put on 6 pounds, for the first time in over a month I didn't get a parking space on my block, etc. A whole bunch of insignificant shit is combining to contribute to a fantastically bad mood.

I asked Oya for change and she is handing it to my ass alright. I asked Orunmila for increased intuition...but so far I've not heeded it. I asked Chango and Ogun to protect me from those who would cause me harm...my feelings were hurt this weekend but I'll live. I asked Obatala to make me pure like his white cloth...I've been thinking dirty thoughts all day. I asked my ancestors for guidance...I have no idea what the fuck I'm doing. I asked Yemaya to shower me with her motherly love and she sent me to a women's worshop (that need was fulfilled). I asked Ochun to send me love...the jury is still out on that request. I know that I have to give these things time to manifest but I've also just realized that I have to work to get them. I have to cultivate myself, listen to my Ori (my higher self), love myself and most importantly be patient. 

I have work to do. Fuck stagnation. Strong language makes me feel stronger.

I stopped writing....

Because words weren't enough.
They couldn't capture my aches, pains, joys, triumphs.
I thought my tears, screams and laughter were enough.
But they weren't.
I stopped writing.
Because I thought my words had fled.
I thought all the consonants, verbs, syllables and similes were lying dead inside of me.
Try as I might...I just could not write.
Each attempt to scribe my angels and demons felt like a chore...no pleasure to be found.
So I stopped writing.
And when I stopped writing, my voice locked up.
I suffocated my dreams, silenced everything in me that reached and strived.
When I stopped writing...I didn't even feel alive.
And I choked on everything that I imprisoned inside of me.
Thoughts bled into oblivion.
Ideas gestated but were stillborn.
All because...
I
Stopped
Writing

But today I will type it out.
I will resume exhuming these figurative bones with my pen until once again...
I start writing.
And this time...
I won't stop.
I won't ever stop writing again.

No Fear...

I am still here.

Thinking.

Planning.

Hoping.

Wondering.

Searching.

Changing.

Doing what needs to be done...even when I don't want to do it.

But...I am still here.

Words are not enough

You ever been so full of joy that tears pricked your lashes and static electricity raced the length of your spine? Have words failed to capture the magnitude of your peace? You ever felt powerful enough to blast your spirit right out of its flesh cage and launch it into the ether? I'm feeling like that today. I'm feeling that words are not nearly enough to describe the sheer wonder and excitement I have for this day. Today feels magical and magnificent. I woke up tired but full of....something.

All I can think is how grateful I am, how thankful I am to be here breathing, being, seeing, doing. I am the hope of my ancestors! Mmm mmm mmm. It. Is. All. Good. Hell, it's all GREAT! Good things are coming my way. All kinds of things. Change is coming...and I'm ready. I don't care what it looks like...don't really care what it feels like, I AM READY! I want CHANGE! I don't want anything to be the same anymore. I am NOT afraid! Maferefun Oya, because the changes have already begun! That's Ogun racing through my blood and clearing a path. Shango is firing me up right now! Ahhh, life is soooooo good! I give thanks!  Maferefun Egungun! Maferefun Eshu! Maferefun Oya! Maferefun Obatala! Maferefun Ogun! Maferefun Sango! Maferefun Ori! Maferefun Olodumare!