I hate swine...the subhuman kind (Originally posted 11-8-05)

Is it just me or are all black people paranoid when it comes to cops? This morning while driving to work, there were cops every damn where. Now even though I hadn’t done anything, I felt guilty and afraid that without warning these dirty pigs were going to swoop down on me with merciless fury. I know that’s a little melodramatic….call it echoes from my revolutionary past life experiences. I don’t know but being in close proximity to cops makes my blood run cold. Behind my eyes I see the bullet riddled bodies of innocent men, women and children gunned down by crooked cops. I see the five-o directing fire hoses at peaceful demonstrators, children being tasered to the ground, billy clubs cracking black skulls open. Okay I know this is bordering on morbid so I’ll stop with the descriptions. The point is, I don’t trust or like cops. I never met a decent cop.



I dated a narcotics dick for a couple months last year and he was as crooked as they come. He openly admitted to me that he planted evidence on suspects, shook down drug dealers and confiscated money seized from raids. I was with him when he got the call that 5 of his equally crooked buddies were arrested by internal affairs. He was afraid they were going to snitch on him. He was also obsessed with me. He would call me 30 and 40 times a day asking me where I was and what I was doing, he always wanted to know what I was wearing...shit, on our fist date he masturbated my ring finger and told me I was "The One" and that he needed to get something to keep my finger warm. Talk about crazy. Oh, he was also in the army. I was afraid of his crazy ass. One night he got really drunk and tried to rape me. I knew if he succeeded there was no way I could go to the police because he's one of them, no one would ever believe me...

He was drunk as hell that night and acting stupid. He was also pissed because we'd been going out for a while (he considered 5 weeks a while) and I wouldn't have sex with him. I should have seen it coming. The man was so damn drunk that he could barely stand up but I swear he was like He-Man or some shit. We were lying on the bed (fully clothed) in his rec room watching Eddie Murphy dvd's. He started rubbing on me and trying to kiss me. I was not in the least amused or aroused. I still don't know why I decided to stay when I realized how wasted he was. Perhaps it was because he begged me...I like when they beg. At any rate, drunk as he was, I had to fight him off for over 5 minutes. The part that scared me was after he passed out from the struggle, I got up and took his gun out of the holster on the floor and put the muzzle to his head. Never in my life had I so strongly desired nor been so close to killing anyone. I swear I wanted to splash his brains all over that fucking room. But I didn't. That's life in prison if you murder a narc, maybe even death. I dropped the gun and just left. I didn't report it either. The next day he called me sounding nice as pie and asked me why I'd left. He didn't remember a damn thing. So I told him that he almost died that night and if he knew what was good for him he'd stay the fuck away from me.

He continued to call me every day 20-30 times a day for the next 2 weeks. I still look over my shoulder sometimes. But I digress….I cannot stand cops. Not just because of my limited personal experiences with them, but also because of all the things I have seen and heard. They are not to be trusted. Few of them are even human beings anymore. Just badges, guns and bad attitudes. God be with the next black man they pull over for "reasonable cause". We should all have dash mounted camcorders for our own safety.

Ignorance...bliss? (Originally posted 10-24-05)

 

Though I saw, I made myself blind. Though I heard, I made myself deaf. Will I continue in ignorance that isn't ignorance that lacks bliss or will I tuck the hurt in my back pocket, say fuck it and kick rocks to a new destination? Metaphorically speaking of course. I have this queasy, ugly, funky feeling in the pit of my stomach. Why? Why must people/things be so complicated? Why, when things can be simple, and lovely, and whole, and right do people have to go and fuck it up? People should either be straight up or take their crooked asses to the next jawn. Don't hold on to what you have because you're waiting for something better to show up...just let that shit go. Shit why am I even asking why? I have the power to let the shit go...but I hesitate. Why? Is it really that deep? Is it really worth hanging on? How long do I have to wait for it to get better, for the bullshit to stop stinking, for the deceit to stop deceiving? I swear I've been trying. I've been so good, so true, so "perfect", just not perfect enough. I say the words and mean them. I touch and feel it. I give and give and give and give until it hurts and then I turn around and give some gotdamn more. What do I get in return? A metaphorical knife in the gotdamn back. The world is a small place you know. Made smaller by virtue of the internet. Some muthufuckas should think about that when they say and do what they say and do. But let me slow my roll, turn my frown upside down and....take this back, back, back, back. The man that angers you conquers you. People only do to you what you allow them to. What's done in the dark comes to light. Fool me once shame on you; fool me twice shame on me. What you sow; so shall you reap. If it ain't right; it's wrong. Don't trouble trouble until trouble troubles you. What to do? Fuck this.

What a disaster (Originally posted 10-6-05)

That last blog? Fuck it! All those good words wasted on a jackass. Here's what happened when we got together...

He called me Sunday, 10-2-05, at the last minute so we could meet downtown for lunch...on the same day. I was lounging in bed watching football when I got the call. He didn't know where he wanted to meet, didn't know what he wanted to eat and didn't give me an exact time to be there. I jumped out of bed anyway and rushed to get ready...I even wore a short ass skirt because he likes to look at my legs. He gives me a random ass location to meet him and I comply. Now when I get there after speeding and worrying about speeding tickets and trying like crazy to find a park what do you think he says/does? This muhfucka had the nerve to cop a funky attitude! Okay, so I was a little late, but how's about a little gratitude? How's about, I'm glad you made it safely? Something. Nah, this muhfucka is mad. Do you know for the first hour we were together he hardly spoke four complete sentences to me? I'm not known for my patience, actually I'm known for being highly impatient and going off with little provocation, but this day Gandhi and Mother Theresa would have been proud of me.

I wanted to cuss him the fuck out but that's why we stopped speaking before. So I held my tongue and played nice. It didn't matter though because the nicer I was the more of an asshole he became. I was ready to dump my food in his lap by the time the waitress came back with our order. Suffice it to say I never finished lunch. I couldn't choke the food down because of the lump of rage in my throat. So we left. Despite all this I swear I missed him like crazy, I really did. So on the way back to my car I got in what I knew would be a last feel on his ass and a few kisses on those beautiful lips. I squeezed his man titts too, lol, pudgy bastid. He'd put on at least 15 pounds. And that's on top of the 30 extra he was already carrying. What can I say, I like fat boys.



Anyway, he drove me back to my car and as I made to transfer from his automobile to mine I told him I loved him...and I meant it. Though he's a fat fucking asshole and reminds me of the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man, he's also a sweetheart and we had a great time together in the past. I loved his spirit, our conversations, his ability to deify me, his lips, mind, the way he reacted to my touch, etc. I love him but I can't stand him. Anyway, he smiled and prepared to respond to my declaration of amore but I closed the door on him. I'd had enough. Yesterday (Wednesday, 10-5-05) he called me. It began as a random chat but then he got serious and said we needed to talk. I just laughed. He told me he couldn't get involved with me because his career would suffer (this shit again). This time I stiffled my laugh and told him I certainly didn't want to interfere with his career. He proceeded to tell me how great I was, blah, blah, blah, but I stopped listening after he said career.


I don't know why he felt the need to call me and have this arbitrary conversation, because after the fiasco on Sunday (which was his way of breaking things off), I was done with his ass anyway. He prattled on for another couple minutes and told me that we should remain friends. Not even trying to mask my sarcasm, I said sure, that's cool. I mean really? I had and have no intention of speaking to him again let alone being his damn friend. After we disconnected...again, I immediately deleted all his contact info, pictures, everything. I blocked his e-mail addresses too. This time I don't feel bad. I don't feel too much of anything actually. Is it possible to feel nothing after feeling so much of something for someone you claimed to have loved? I wasn't in love with him but I did love him. Or did I? Shit I don't know. Maybe I just loved how he made me feel. Who cares now anyway. He inspired me to write some good pieces though. I will miss having a muse more than anything. What I won't miss is the game playing.


Other than that....I'm going to Michigan this weekend with a bunch of friends and their kids. It's going to be cold as a witch's tit but I'm looking forward to it. I'm tired of writing now.

Meh...you win some & you lose some (Originally posted 8-26-05)

Well Friday is drawing to a close...am I relieved? Not sure yet. This has been one of the longest weeks this month but it was very productive so I'm not complaining. I'm in love with my job again. For a while I seemed to be burned out, all the misery and hard luck stories were getting to me, not to mention the ignorant mofo's that were cussing me out. Despite the miserly pay, the long hours and lack of recognition, I love what I do. There is nothing more fulfilling than helping those in need. Interesting observation, this year at least 3 0f my clients are white. Last year Maybe 8 of my clients were white. Only 2 are hispanic this year compared to the 10 hispanic last year. The majority are young, black single mothers. I wish black males would do more for their children...we're in a state of emergency.

At any rate, soon I'll be back to volunteering for the Salvation Army. They usually have one big campaign and two or three small ones during the Autumn/Winter months. I'm looking into volunteering at a soup kitchen called Soup at Six also. Volunteer work makes me feel better because it takes the focus off my personal miseries and failures. Like the whole "Mr. Wonderful" fiasco. As it turns out, he wasn't so wonderful after all. In my weaker moments I think about his scent, smile and the way he touched me....then I remember he's a fucking asshole. Okay, it wasn't all him, but it was mostly him. I recognize my faults though. I'm selfish, self-absorbed, self-involved, vain, temperamental, impatient, arrogant, mean, insecure, defensive, cynical, cold, calculating, prideful, anal, etc. I acknowledge my shortcomings though and vow to rectify them all...eventually. On the other hand I can be loving, gentle, sweet, humorous, thoughtful, gracious, humble, generous, selfless, compassionate, etc. A complete contradiction right? I know. My Yahoo ID was aptly chosen. I'm not all bad though. Most of the guys I break up with always tell me that I'm really sweet and kind and that one day some man will count himself lucky to have me. That always makes me laugh. I mean, if all they say is true then why are we breaking up? I already know the answer though. Whatever.

I came across "Mr. Wonderful's" undershirt tonight. The scent of him is still strong...it makes me angry and sad to smell it. I really liked this one. Out of all the dudes I'm seeing right now, he was my favorite. Now the thrill I got from dating is gone. Speaking of thrills, "O" called me at 3 this morning. He was drunk as hell and acting silly. He hasn't done that in a while. He was jealous of "Mr. Wonderful". He thinks that I belong to him and he resents the fact that I was so taken with "Mr. Wonderful". I told him he had his chance and now his reign is over. He said, "whatever, I've permanently engraved my name on you, you belong to me". He's funny, lol. Sad, selfish, cowardly man. I love him though. That man still owns prime real estate in my heart...*sigh*

My birthday is swiftly approaching and I'm wondering what I'll do. I'm not excited but I'm not dreading it either. Birthdays lose their meaning after the landmark ages (16, 18, 21, and 25). I plan to have a Dirty 30 party when I turn 30 though. Saturday I'm gonna drive out to South Holland and visit my little sister, niece, nephew and grandparents. It's been a while since I've been out that way. With the cost of gas at $2.86 for regular, I can hardly afford to be driving to damn near Indiana and back all the time. I miss them though. Well I'm gonna wrap this up with one of my favorite pieces. This was a MSN Messenger Keystyle (cyber freestyle) by me and a friend of mine named Qayyim. This brotha is mad deep and dear to my heart. Enjoy!



Duet


AlMalik says:
The GOD rather build with the Chi-Town Queen // than deal with another Gucci Queen with good coochie // feel more satisfied after sharing thoughts with Nik // then sticking a thick chick built to strip shaking 4 tips // emotional revolution // inspirational vision // motivation from the words U be saying

Nicki says:
saying what's in the heart and not in my head bcuz i'm sitting at work thinking about lying in bed, i'd rather be at home being loved from my head to my feet then sitting at my desk looking at print outs of spreadsheets, been so long since i've really been touched and not just felt up, i'm trying to hold out for a man who makes my heart swell up

AlMalik says:
Unbelievable sometimes // how you glisten and shine // so mentally inclined and culturally refined // recognize that our people divine // never content with common content // like me // see-me, I see you challenge western thoughts // create your own path // knowledge of self // and self worth // mentally the earth self fertilized

Nicki says:
fertilized by truth and pruned of lies/i despise those that close their eyes 2 the conspiracy of oppression/instead of learning from the lesson they keep guessing and getting wrong answers/shucking and jiving like black face dancers/they perform 4 payment from those that enslave us/but bling and designer fits can't save us/material possessions don't make us, the hard labor didn't break us/we can't let greed and ignorance take us/we must trust that there's more 4 us/the door is before us, we have but to walk through it/destiny awaits we just have to pursue it

AlMalik says:
Outspoken about the lies so many others afraid to tame // but still maintain a stable mind frame // beyond your physical frame // havent we crossed paths in the past // feel reunited with the heart of my essence // through the pleasure you deliver like the blue fluid from my heart // howd it all start // cant believe you make me wanna share my dreams // make you a franchise player on my team /open with thoughts and feelings like a grand canyon ravine // nahmean // never even seen the Chi-Town Queen in front of me // close enough to hear her breathe // voice remains a mystery // but ya words are soft enough to make a strong enough impact // to pass barriers put up to protect what you so easily touch

Nicki says:
touch and tease my intellect with your verbal caress and inherent respect....of my femininity/your words give life to my spirit in direct relation to your masculinity/we are the most divine of all divinity/our souls entwined from now until infinity.....U and I 4ever building 2gether/traisping through the concrete jungles in fair and stormy weather/freeing other minds and making sick souls better/a 4 page letter cannot explain all the thoughts my brain contains/i'm trying to make this plain and clear as day/i dig U and all U have 2 say/i thought i was the only 1 that thought this way....i'm glad i'm not alone/the way u express yourself makes me feel safe and at home/like a queen on a throne/like i'm your flesh and you're my bone

AlMalik says:
From the Chi to NY // we trade verses like Kanye and Hov, better yet Common and Talib // yeah // back and forth // Mid-West to East Coast // leading the revolution b/c most of our people is savages // rather live for nothing than die for a better life // branded cattle // 400 years to break chains // to replace them with diamond studded hand cuffs // its not enough to leave the hood // Southside, Wild hundreds or Brownsville and Bed-Stuy // our children are the future // which looks dim // when they in and out the prison system

Nicki says:
prison systems systematically attack ours/attract ours with the comfort of structure behind prison bars/the enraged psyches of our afrikan men caged/their manhood disengaged by those afraid of their power/i'm waiting for the day, yes the very hour when afrikans erupt....brimming over like full cups/ready to fight passionately against a system corrupt and hell bent on our destruction and extinction/but our destiny is manifest and calling out for completion...yes let's not rest until we've done our best to reclaim former glory/revoke his-story and invoke our story....we are meant to reign as the gods of this earth/greatness was instilled in us at birth/a lifetime of slavery cannot decrease our worth....we bear treasures untold.....we have but to allow our supremacy to unfold

AlMalik says:
A throne cant hold all the power of your essence // my flesh burns with the fire of desire // to obtain everything my mind cant grab // they stole it, but we must return it // its not a joke or gimmick // history is his story // television still telling lies to our children // desensitizing them to violence and killing // using abortion as genocide wonder why our babies playing with heavy metal // radio stations programming more than responsible

Nicki says:
responsible, unconquerable, with an unquenchable desire to be unstoppable yet steady/these weak fools ain't ready, they overdone like overcooked spaghetti/our seeds will bear fruit and crush their roots, destroy the destroyer that seeks to pollute our air/they try to deciper our serpentine hair and deep science/they try to trick us into compliance with the new world order's aliance...but we see through their deception/our knowledge ingrained since our inception....wisdom hidden beyond their detection/listen to the inflection in my words/my speech takes flight like exotic birds fleeing to freedom beyond this place/landing on the face of god and then being born like lightning in thunder storms/this ain't the norm, it's beyond their understanding/they're the legions of ignorant and we're commanding...like officers of the highest ranks/we bomb them with verbal missiles from mental tanks.

Ha! We're awesome!

Did I miss something? (Originally posted 8-22-05)

I received one phone call from him this weekend (Saturday night) and we spoke for two minutes. He said he would call me back but he never did. Did I miss something? Am I reading too much into this? Now there have been other questionable moments but I ignored them because I just didn't give a shit then. I mean, I had other things going on with other people so I wasn't concerned about his inconsistent behavior. But things are different now. Is this payback? I mean, now that I've decided to make an emotional investment is shit gonna blow up in my face? Now I didn't just decided Thursday to invest, it's actually been an ongoing process, but Thursday was the catalyst. This is what I was afraid of...the not knowing part. This makes me want to leave him a voicemail saying never speak to me again. Afterwards I'll delete and block his numbers and pretend he never existed. That's the coward in me. That's why I keep all my relationships shallow...can't get hurt if you don't care. Anyway, I don't think I'm going to see him today. I figure if we were to see each other, he'd have made contact by now. I'm sliding back into my fuck 'em mode (it doesn't take much). If he calls I'm not going to answer the phone. As a matter of fact, I'm just gonna go out with someone else. Fuck 'em. It's not like he's my man.

In other news...I had a conversation with my ex-husband today. It was a good conversation. We didn't argue or get mad at each other...we had a nice civilized conversation. He knows me better than anyone else on earth. He says I'm too cold, distant and unforgiving. I agreed with him. He also said that when I'm nice I'm too nice. Again, I concurred. He told me I should stop playing games and settle down. I didn't agree with that. I don't play games I just keep my options open. He remarried and had a new baby and I think that's good for him...but I'm not sure I want to remarry. I mean most marriages fail anyway. What's the point? Ultimately I'd like to have an exclusive companion but I'm not sure if that's in the cards.

Other than "Mr. Wonderful" being shady, I had a great weekend. I got to relax, see a bunch of movies, eat some good food, chill with some cool people, have my ego stroked and I found two cute pieces for my Autumn collection. Also, I'm almost finished with Nile Valley Contributions to Civilization...this book is extraordinary! I'll Mos Def reread it. That's all for now.