What a disaster (Originally posted 10-6-05)

That last blog? Fuck it! All those good words wasted on a jackass. Here's what happened when we got together...

He called me Sunday, 10-2-05, at the last minute so we could meet downtown for lunch...on the same day. I was lounging in bed watching football when I got the call. He didn't know where he wanted to meet, didn't know what he wanted to eat and didn't give me an exact time to be there. I jumped out of bed anyway and rushed to get ready...I even wore a short ass skirt because he likes to look at my legs. He gives me a random ass location to meet him and I comply. Now when I get there after speeding and worrying about speeding tickets and trying like crazy to find a park what do you think he says/does? This muhfucka had the nerve to cop a funky attitude! Okay, so I was a little late, but how's about a little gratitude? How's about, I'm glad you made it safely? Something. Nah, this muhfucka is mad. Do you know for the first hour we were together he hardly spoke four complete sentences to me? I'm not known for my patience, actually I'm known for being highly impatient and going off with little provocation, but this day Gandhi and Mother Theresa would have been proud of me.

I wanted to cuss him the fuck out but that's why we stopped speaking before. So I held my tongue and played nice. It didn't matter though because the nicer I was the more of an asshole he became. I was ready to dump my food in his lap by the time the waitress came back with our order. Suffice it to say I never finished lunch. I couldn't choke the food down because of the lump of rage in my throat. So we left. Despite all this I swear I missed him like crazy, I really did. So on the way back to my car I got in what I knew would be a last feel on his ass and a few kisses on those beautiful lips. I squeezed his man titts too, lol, pudgy bastid. He'd put on at least 15 pounds. And that's on top of the 30 extra he was already carrying. What can I say, I like fat boys.



Anyway, he drove me back to my car and as I made to transfer from his automobile to mine I told him I loved him...and I meant it. Though he's a fat fucking asshole and reminds me of the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man, he's also a sweetheart and we had a great time together in the past. I loved his spirit, our conversations, his ability to deify me, his lips, mind, the way he reacted to my touch, etc. I love him but I can't stand him. Anyway, he smiled and prepared to respond to my declaration of amore but I closed the door on him. I'd had enough. Yesterday (Wednesday, 10-5-05) he called me. It began as a random chat but then he got serious and said we needed to talk. I just laughed. He told me he couldn't get involved with me because his career would suffer (this shit again). This time I stiffled my laugh and told him I certainly didn't want to interfere with his career. He proceeded to tell me how great I was, blah, blah, blah, but I stopped listening after he said career.


I don't know why he felt the need to call me and have this arbitrary conversation, because after the fiasco on Sunday (which was his way of breaking things off), I was done with his ass anyway. He prattled on for another couple minutes and told me that we should remain friends. Not even trying to mask my sarcasm, I said sure, that's cool. I mean really? I had and have no intention of speaking to him again let alone being his damn friend. After we disconnected...again, I immediately deleted all his contact info, pictures, everything. I blocked his e-mail addresses too. This time I don't feel bad. I don't feel too much of anything actually. Is it possible to feel nothing after feeling so much of something for someone you claimed to have loved? I wasn't in love with him but I did love him. Or did I? Shit I don't know. Maybe I just loved how he made me feel. Who cares now anyway. He inspired me to write some good pieces though. I will miss having a muse more than anything. What I won't miss is the game playing.


Other than that....I'm going to Michigan this weekend with a bunch of friends and their kids. It's going to be cold as a witch's tit but I'm looking forward to it. I'm tired of writing now.

Back to "Mr. Wonderful" (Originally posted 9-22-05)

For Real though, you are The Sweetest Thing I've ever known. I never should have gone off on you. I apologize. I was being selfish and impatient and inconsiderate. I acted impulsively. I know. I banished you but I wanted the exact opposite. I crave your presence...I mean truly crave it. When you're around, I breathe you. I'm addicted to you. I don't need to touch you...being able to absorb you with my eyes is enough. But touching you...touching you is exquisite; like a divine visit on each and every one of my ten digits. You make me hungry.

This may sound strange but...I kept all of the voicemails you've ever left me. When we fell out, I listened to them. Sometimes I smiled and laughed as I listened and other times listening to them made me sad. After our spat, I didn't think I'd ever talk you again. I just knew you hated me. But you don't. After weeks of no speaking, you made contact. I was shocked. You've missed me...maybe as much as I've missed you...maybe more. I laughed out loud. My heart beat rapidly in my chest and I felt a great weight lift. I immediately remembered that I'd I thrown your shirt in the garbage. I also deleted all your numbers (so I wouldn't weaken and call you). I kept your pictures though. I want to see you. I know you said we need to take baby steps, but baby, I would step off the end of the earth if I could just see your smile again.

I miss you. I think Dante sent you. A long time ago I asked him to send me someone who he thought would make me happy. You make me happy...when you're not pissing me off. You know I'm spoiled and you refuse to cater to me. That's aggravating, but I know you're only doing it because you want to help me evolve. I dreamt about you last night. We were lying in your bed talking. Your finger was teasing my lips...do you still love my lips? I still love yours. We talked about Germany and New York. We talked about your divorce and mine. We talked about the time we made out on the giant birthday cake at the sculpture park. I can't drive past that place without thinking about you. I touch myself and think of you. You are the only person that appreciates the softness of my skin more than I do. I miss the way you say my name. I miss your laugh. I miss your serious face. I miss your friendship...I miss that most of all. Soon...I hope that we can get together soon. Maybe dinner or just go for a walk. I just want to be in your presence. Soon.

Meh...you win some & you lose some (Originally posted 8-26-05)

Well Friday is drawing to a close...am I relieved? Not sure yet. This has been one of the longest weeks this month but it was very productive so I'm not complaining. I'm in love with my job again. For a while I seemed to be burned out, all the misery and hard luck stories were getting to me, not to mention the ignorant mofo's that were cussing me out. Despite the miserly pay, the long hours and lack of recognition, I love what I do. There is nothing more fulfilling than helping those in need. Interesting observation, this year at least 3 0f my clients are white. Last year Maybe 8 of my clients were white. Only 2 are hispanic this year compared to the 10 hispanic last year. The majority are young, black single mothers. I wish black males would do more for their children...we're in a state of emergency.

At any rate, soon I'll be back to volunteering for the Salvation Army. They usually have one big campaign and two or three small ones during the Autumn/Winter months. I'm looking into volunteering at a soup kitchen called Soup at Six also. Volunteer work makes me feel better because it takes the focus off my personal miseries and failures. Like the whole "Mr. Wonderful" fiasco. As it turns out, he wasn't so wonderful after all. In my weaker moments I think about his scent, smile and the way he touched me....then I remember he's a fucking asshole. Okay, it wasn't all him, but it was mostly him. I recognize my faults though. I'm selfish, self-absorbed, self-involved, vain, temperamental, impatient, arrogant, mean, insecure, defensive, cynical, cold, calculating, prideful, anal, etc. I acknowledge my shortcomings though and vow to rectify them all...eventually. On the other hand I can be loving, gentle, sweet, humorous, thoughtful, gracious, humble, generous, selfless, compassionate, etc. A complete contradiction right? I know. My Yahoo ID was aptly chosen. I'm not all bad though. Most of the guys I break up with always tell me that I'm really sweet and kind and that one day some man will count himself lucky to have me. That always makes me laugh. I mean, if all they say is true then why are we breaking up? I already know the answer though. Whatever.

I came across "Mr. Wonderful's" undershirt tonight. The scent of him is still strong...it makes me angry and sad to smell it. I really liked this one. Out of all the dudes I'm seeing right now, he was my favorite. Now the thrill I got from dating is gone. Speaking of thrills, "O" called me at 3 this morning. He was drunk as hell and acting silly. He hasn't done that in a while. He was jealous of "Mr. Wonderful". He thinks that I belong to him and he resents the fact that I was so taken with "Mr. Wonderful". I told him he had his chance and now his reign is over. He said, "whatever, I've permanently engraved my name on you, you belong to me". He's funny, lol. Sad, selfish, cowardly man. I love him though. That man still owns prime real estate in my heart...*sigh*

My birthday is swiftly approaching and I'm wondering what I'll do. I'm not excited but I'm not dreading it either. Birthdays lose their meaning after the landmark ages (16, 18, 21, and 25). I plan to have a Dirty 30 party when I turn 30 though. Saturday I'm gonna drive out to South Holland and visit my little sister, niece, nephew and grandparents. It's been a while since I've been out that way. With the cost of gas at $2.86 for regular, I can hardly afford to be driving to damn near Indiana and back all the time. I miss them though. Well I'm gonna wrap this up with one of my favorite pieces. This was a MSN Messenger Keystyle (cyber freestyle) by me and a friend of mine named Qayyim. This brotha is mad deep and dear to my heart. Enjoy!



Duet


AlMalik says:
The GOD rather build with the Chi-Town Queen // than deal with another Gucci Queen with good coochie // feel more satisfied after sharing thoughts with Nik // then sticking a thick chick built to strip shaking 4 tips // emotional revolution // inspirational vision // motivation from the words U be saying

Nicki says:
saying what's in the heart and not in my head bcuz i'm sitting at work thinking about lying in bed, i'd rather be at home being loved from my head to my feet then sitting at my desk looking at print outs of spreadsheets, been so long since i've really been touched and not just felt up, i'm trying to hold out for a man who makes my heart swell up

AlMalik says:
Unbelievable sometimes // how you glisten and shine // so mentally inclined and culturally refined // recognize that our people divine // never content with common content // like me // see-me, I see you challenge western thoughts // create your own path // knowledge of self // and self worth // mentally the earth self fertilized

Nicki says:
fertilized by truth and pruned of lies/i despise those that close their eyes 2 the conspiracy of oppression/instead of learning from the lesson they keep guessing and getting wrong answers/shucking and jiving like black face dancers/they perform 4 payment from those that enslave us/but bling and designer fits can't save us/material possessions don't make us, the hard labor didn't break us/we can't let greed and ignorance take us/we must trust that there's more 4 us/the door is before us, we have but to walk through it/destiny awaits we just have to pursue it

AlMalik says:
Outspoken about the lies so many others afraid to tame // but still maintain a stable mind frame // beyond your physical frame // havent we crossed paths in the past // feel reunited with the heart of my essence // through the pleasure you deliver like the blue fluid from my heart // howd it all start // cant believe you make me wanna share my dreams // make you a franchise player on my team /open with thoughts and feelings like a grand canyon ravine // nahmean // never even seen the Chi-Town Queen in front of me // close enough to hear her breathe // voice remains a mystery // but ya words are soft enough to make a strong enough impact // to pass barriers put up to protect what you so easily touch

Nicki says:
touch and tease my intellect with your verbal caress and inherent respect....of my femininity/your words give life to my spirit in direct relation to your masculinity/we are the most divine of all divinity/our souls entwined from now until infinity.....U and I 4ever building 2gether/traisping through the concrete jungles in fair and stormy weather/freeing other minds and making sick souls better/a 4 page letter cannot explain all the thoughts my brain contains/i'm trying to make this plain and clear as day/i dig U and all U have 2 say/i thought i was the only 1 that thought this way....i'm glad i'm not alone/the way u express yourself makes me feel safe and at home/like a queen on a throne/like i'm your flesh and you're my bone

AlMalik says:
From the Chi to NY // we trade verses like Kanye and Hov, better yet Common and Talib // yeah // back and forth // Mid-West to East Coast // leading the revolution b/c most of our people is savages // rather live for nothing than die for a better life // branded cattle // 400 years to break chains // to replace them with diamond studded hand cuffs // its not enough to leave the hood // Southside, Wild hundreds or Brownsville and Bed-Stuy // our children are the future // which looks dim // when they in and out the prison system

Nicki says:
prison systems systematically attack ours/attract ours with the comfort of structure behind prison bars/the enraged psyches of our afrikan men caged/their manhood disengaged by those afraid of their power/i'm waiting for the day, yes the very hour when afrikans erupt....brimming over like full cups/ready to fight passionately against a system corrupt and hell bent on our destruction and extinction/but our destiny is manifest and calling out for completion...yes let's not rest until we've done our best to reclaim former glory/revoke his-story and invoke our story....we are meant to reign as the gods of this earth/greatness was instilled in us at birth/a lifetime of slavery cannot decrease our worth....we bear treasures untold.....we have but to allow our supremacy to unfold

AlMalik says:
A throne cant hold all the power of your essence // my flesh burns with the fire of desire // to obtain everything my mind cant grab // they stole it, but we must return it // its not a joke or gimmick // history is his story // television still telling lies to our children // desensitizing them to violence and killing // using abortion as genocide wonder why our babies playing with heavy metal // radio stations programming more than responsible

Nicki says:
responsible, unconquerable, with an unquenchable desire to be unstoppable yet steady/these weak fools ain't ready, they overdone like overcooked spaghetti/our seeds will bear fruit and crush their roots, destroy the destroyer that seeks to pollute our air/they try to deciper our serpentine hair and deep science/they try to trick us into compliance with the new world order's aliance...but we see through their deception/our knowledge ingrained since our inception....wisdom hidden beyond their detection/listen to the inflection in my words/my speech takes flight like exotic birds fleeing to freedom beyond this place/landing on the face of god and then being born like lightning in thunder storms/this ain't the norm, it's beyond their understanding/they're the legions of ignorant and we're commanding...like officers of the highest ranks/we bomb them with verbal missiles from mental tanks.

Ha! We're awesome!

Did I miss something? (Originally posted 8-22-05)

I received one phone call from him this weekend (Saturday night) and we spoke for two minutes. He said he would call me back but he never did. Did I miss something? Am I reading too much into this? Now there have been other questionable moments but I ignored them because I just didn't give a shit then. I mean, I had other things going on with other people so I wasn't concerned about his inconsistent behavior. But things are different now. Is this payback? I mean, now that I've decided to make an emotional investment is shit gonna blow up in my face? Now I didn't just decided Thursday to invest, it's actually been an ongoing process, but Thursday was the catalyst. This is what I was afraid of...the not knowing part. This makes me want to leave him a voicemail saying never speak to me again. Afterwards I'll delete and block his numbers and pretend he never existed. That's the coward in me. That's why I keep all my relationships shallow...can't get hurt if you don't care. Anyway, I don't think I'm going to see him today. I figure if we were to see each other, he'd have made contact by now. I'm sliding back into my fuck 'em mode (it doesn't take much). If he calls I'm not going to answer the phone. As a matter of fact, I'm just gonna go out with someone else. Fuck 'em. It's not like he's my man.

In other news...I had a conversation with my ex-husband today. It was a good conversation. We didn't argue or get mad at each other...we had a nice civilized conversation. He knows me better than anyone else on earth. He says I'm too cold, distant and unforgiving. I agreed with him. He also said that when I'm nice I'm too nice. Again, I concurred. He told me I should stop playing games and settle down. I didn't agree with that. I don't play games I just keep my options open. He remarried and had a new baby and I think that's good for him...but I'm not sure I want to remarry. I mean most marriages fail anyway. What's the point? Ultimately I'd like to have an exclusive companion but I'm not sure if that's in the cards.

Other than "Mr. Wonderful" being shady, I had a great weekend. I got to relax, see a bunch of movies, eat some good food, chill with some cool people, have my ego stroked and I found two cute pieces for my Autumn collection. Also, I'm almost finished with Nile Valley Contributions to Civilization...this book is extraordinary! I'll Mos Def reread it. That's all for now.

He gave me the shirt off his back...literally (Originally posted 8-19-05)

He showed up a few hours late and I was pissed. Our time was already short, but because of his tardiness, it was shorter still. My anger partially melted when I opened the door and saw him standing before me with unease knotting his shoulders and sadness etched into his face. He apologized over and over and over again. I played tough cookie and was mildly disinterested in his apologies or sorrow. I was callous but cordial when I invited him in...I wanted him to feel guilty as sin, but secretly, I was so happy to see him. I haven't seen him in almost a month I think. We stood facing each other. Me: stoically silent; him: fidgety and mournful. Since the only air conditioned room in my house is my bedroom, and since the rest of the house is 30 degrees hotter than satan's ass canal, I invited him to the boudoir.

We entered and again stood facing each other. He continued to apologize and took my hands in his, softly caressing my skin. At one point his voice broke and then the tough cookie crumbled. I hemmed and hawed as long as I could, I swear I did! I made him sweat a bit, but shamefully, I didn't last long. I smiled and told him I would forgive him...if he would forgive and forget my past transgressions. He didn't want to...but he did. With all that past we finally embraced.

Ohhhh it was sooo good, so right, so much better than nice...it was perfect. I put my ear to his chest and focused on the rhythm of his heart. At that moment it was beating for me. He held me forever...or so it seemed. Tired of standing, he led me to the bed and sat me on his lap. He hugged me so deep my breath stopped. He touched my lips with his, whispered apologies in my ear and continued to ask my forgiveness. I cannot refuse him. In that moment, I would have given him my spare kidney if he'd asked for it. Then we lay together on the bed and kissed, whispered and enjoyed what little time we had left before he had to go to the airport. I apologized for my past selfish and distant behavior and he forgave me. I nuzzled his neck in an attempt to inhale and forever capture his scent. Not satisfied, I asked if he would give me the shirt off of his back...and he commenced to removing his shirts. He offered both but I only took one...the undershirt; because it was closer to his skin. I inhaled deeply the scent of him. I love the way he smells. He smells like the middle of Spring, the first day of summer, soft June breezes, thunderstorms, the birds singing at dawn, that first spoonful of strawberry sorbet, the laughter of children, the waves lapping at the shore, my favorite jeans, freshly mown grass, the leaves changing colors in Autumn, the first time I recited a poem before a large crowd....he smells like all my many favorite things wrapped up in one aroma. I want to wake up to his scent, fall asleep to his scent, dream about his scent, wrap his scent around my shoulders-breathe-soul deep and never ever lose his scent.


He is getting to me, and I didn't think I could get got again. His smile melts me. He looks so innocent. But he ain't. He's a Scorpio. He studies Tantra and the Kama Sutra. He studies me too. Intently...so intently it makes me fidget and inquire about his thoughts. His answer varies but he usually says something like..."I'm thinking about how wonderful you are", "I'm thinking about how soft your skin is", "I'm thinking about how beautiful you are", etc. But I digress, I kissed his exposed flesh and paid reverence to his imperfect perfection. I was rewarded by his sharp intake of breath and his beautiful voice murmuring my name. He made it sound like a prayer. I enjoy our intimacy without sex. I love our mind sex. I cannot stop thinking about him. He makes me grin big foolish grins. He makes me want to skip and hum nonsense ditties. I feel like a school girl with her first crush, *giggles*

All too soon he had to leave. I missed him before we made it to the front door. I told him so and he didn't want to leave. He didn't leave...right away anyway. He was over a half hour late getting to the airport. After he finally left he called me from the car and we talked as he drove. He promised that we would see each other on Monday. That's an eternity away...but I can make it. He called me several times; his voice gentle each time. I told him he makes me want to be a good girl...as in discontinuing my playgirl ways. He told me there was a time when he thought I cared nothing for him, he thought he was just one of many...lowest man on the totem pole at that. I told him he was my number one draft pick...he didn't find that funny. I confided that I did care for him, deeply in fact. I told him that's one thing he'll never have to question. He caught me off guard when he asked what he should question then. I had to think for a moment. Should he question me? Do I want him to question me? Why would he question me? I emphatically answered that there is nothing in me he should question. He replied, "good". Our conversation ended when he reached the airport to retrieve his cousin. Yes, he was over a half hour late picking his cousin up. But he said it was worth it to spend time with me. I felt bad for his cousin but cheered for me. He called me a little while later to tell me he and his cousin were going to go out on the town and that he would talk to me again soon. Soon won't come soon enough. They're driving to Detroit in a few hours and I won't see him again until Monday. So tonight I will sleep in his shirt remembering how his skin felt against my lips, remembering the cadence of his voice as we conversed...inhaling deeply his scent that smells of all my many favorite things. He gave me the shirt off his back...next I'll ask for his heart.

"Mr. Wonderful" (Originally posted 7-23-05)

I had the most wonderful time with a wonderful man. I will call him "Mr. Wonderful".

We've been hanging out for a few weeks now...he started out as a painkiller for the "O" ache. I like him. He's highly intelligent, sweet, gentlemanly, handsome, a Scorpio, mannerly...so many things to like about him. *Tummy flutters* Rebound? Quite possible. Do I care right now? Not really. He makes me feel good.


So last night, we shared an evening of intimacy without sex or intercourse...it made my spirit soar. At one point in our conversation we spoke on love. How to recognize it, nurture it and keep it. We didn't get as deep as Khalil Gibran, but we did manage to explore fathoms together that otherwise would have gone unchallenged. I told him (as I tell many people) that love and loving are simple to achieve; people make love difficult. A person could fall in love every five minutes if they gave themselves permission to, but they won't and don't. You see, folks are afraid, insecure, selfish, self-centered, etc. Loving requires you to abandon those things (to some extent anyway). Most people can't do that, mainly due to fear. I have no problem loving people and falling in love. Actually, I'm too good at loving people and falling in love. I assume (life hazard, I know) that all people are inherently good and that they have the best intentions. Does that make me extremely optimistic, unrealistic or a naive fool? All three actually, lol. Regardless, I believe there is a tremendous lack of love and loving relationships (of any kind) in the universe.


Getting back to "Mr. Wonderful". So during our conversation (and amidst much caressing, kissing and embracing) he quips that he appreciated me whole heartedly and that he found it very possible to love me. Mind you, we are lying in bed (fully clothed but aroused to the point of critical mass) during this exchange. Though I believe in love and it's power I'm a bit of a skeptic...lust has just as much power too you know. At any rate, his declaration appealed to the romantic in me but it put the skeptic in me on guard. Had we not been in bed in the middle of the night, perhaps I could have believed him with fewer reservations. After all, I'm worthy of love and very lovable. But alas, I am world weary so his words were sweet but just words to me.

In those moments I was so aroused I was ready to throw caution to the wind and rip both our clothes off and take him. But guess what...he wouldn't do it. He said that though the moment seemed ideal, he didn't want either of us to have a shadow of a doubt that sex, was exactly what we both wanted. He went on to say that just like I considered what I had to give to be precious, his body was also a temple and precious...he couldn't just give it on a whim. Well color me stunned...that was definetly a first. A man turning down wet puss from a beautiful mostly ready, willing and able woman? You're thinking what I was thinking right? Dude has hella integrity/morals/values or he's gay. I'm sure it was the former. We didn't have sex (but boy did I want to because I ain't had none in a while). What we did do, was fall asleep in each other's arms after spending the entire evening basking in the glow of one another's company. Regardless of whether he's running game or he's just that decent, I truly did enjoy his company that night and I would do it all again with the same results (no sex). It was one of the most beautiful evenings I've ever had. Intimacy without sex or intercourse.