Dante Thoughts Part IV...Opening to spirit (Originally posted on 12-18-05)

I feel so good today! I felt good yesterday too. I have put things into perspective and I am comfortable with all that transpired the week before last. My spirit is still deepening. I am still speaking to the soul of the universe...and now it is speaking back.



Monday, December 5th, Dante's spirit visited me. He came because I'd been calling to him. Every time my thoughts strayed to him, every time I said his name aloud, every time I lit a candle for him, every time I laughed at a memory of us together...I was calling out to him. And he answered me. Through sleep and dreams he came to me. The divine brought Dante and I together and spirit connects us. Our spirits will always be connected and as long as I live, Dante lives. That is comforting to me.



The dream I had about Dante made me happy and sad. It was hard for me dreaming that he was alive and well and then waking to his scent and the feel of him near me but knowing that he is gone from this plane of existence. I cried the entire day after I woke from that dream. I cried for the loss of him, I cried for the scent of him and I cried for the feel of him. I kept thinking that he was going to walk into the room and hug me. I kept expecting the phone to ring with his voice on the other end. It was a hard day for me. But I learned something about him and myself that day. I learned that our love is FOREVER. What we have has crossed from one plane of existence to another. I know that I must let go of the bitterness I feel towards his transition. He is always with me, has always been with me and will always be with me. I have but to whisper his name and he is even closer. He loves me still. He loves me so much that when I call on him he visits my dreams. How many can boast that kind of love?



So today I am at peace. I have been smiling and laughing all day. I am again a ray of light. Sometimes it's hard for me to understand why things happen when they do and how they do...but with time, it is always revealed to me. I am grateful for Dante's visitation. It does my heart and soul good to know that he is still thinking of me, loving me and longing to be near me. It comforts me knowing that he will come to me when I call out to him. That's real love...spiritual love...love that goes soul deep and beyond.

A tribute

You are my soulmate...always will be

Because of you I know my worth...because of you others will know my worth

You set the standard for which all will be measured

Your eyes twinkled with intelligence and mercy

Your voice soft but firm

You spoke psalms and poetry

You were and continue to be still water that runs deep

You are no less than spectacular, miraculous, my Alpha/Omega love

I am blessed to have you in the community of my ancestors/egun

You are still loved, still highly regarded, missed by many and forgotten by none

You have changed many lives...you continue to change mine

Thank you Dante

Loving you always,

Nicole

Ase-o!

Dante Thoughts Part III: Last night I had a dream (Originally posted 12-5-05)

I dreamt that his death was a dream. In my dream he was a civil engineer working abroad. He flew home for my family's annual Christmas dinner...and on the very night of the dinner no less. A bus dropped him off at the front door and I was peeping out the window when he stepped off of it. In my mind I knew this couldn't be real because Dante is dead and has been dead for almost 5 years. But it was sooo real. I could feel the frost from the window against my nose, my breath condensed on the cold glass, I could hear the Christmas music in the background and smell Turkey and other holiday foods cooking. It was real...it had to be. I could see Dante's face break out into a smile when my grandmother walked up to him and hugged him hello. I hesitated in the doorway unsure what to do with myself. I kept telling myself this is a dream, only a dream. But then a voice whispered that actually, his death was the dream and this was reality. His death was a dream, albeit a prophetic dream. The voice told me that I had to warn Dante to go to the doctor and get his heart checked before it was too late. If he went to the doctor now I could save him, he didn't have to die, he could be saved if I take him to the doctor and get his heart checked right now, right now, right now, the voice insisted! After my grandmother finished greeting Dante his eyes searched until they found me. I didn't think it was possible but his smile grew wider, brighter, so big it dazzled me. He dropped his bags and I ran to him and threw my arms around his neck. We nearly tumbled to the floor. I felt him in my arms. I was not dreaming that, couldn't have been. He felt so real. I could hear his laughter ringing in my ears, smell his cologne tickling my nose, I felt his arms around me squeezing me tightly. God he felt so good, so real. We stood there for what seemed like hours just squeezing each other, my tears wetting his shoulder. He was real, I swear he was. But then I started to panic...he was going to die the voice said. I pulled him to the couch and made him sit with me and I told him we had to go to the doctor immediately. He laughed and told me I was being silly..."I'm fine", he said. I told him that his heart was a ticking time bomb and that on February twenty-first he was going to collapse and die from heart failure. His fingers stroked my cheek and he kissed me and said, "you worry too much, just enjoy me". After that how could I not? So I did. We kissed...deeply. He was exactly as I remembered him. Same smile, same voice, same long arms, same deep eyes, same warm body...everything just as it should be. But for some reason I was filled with anxiety. I knew he was going to die. I couldn't let him die, I needed him. Again I pressed him to go to the doctor so we could be sure he was okay and again he refused. He assured me we had all the time in the world.Then my grandmother's turkey timer went off to alert us that dinner was ready. At the same time my alarm clock went off jarring me from sleep. I turned the clock off and proceeded to cry hysterically, thoroughly soaking my pillow with my sorrow. It was just a dream after all.

I've been crying all morning. My eyes look like lasers. I was doing fine, I really was. I was thinking about him every now and again with no sadness, no pain. What changed? So I talked to him while I sat there in bed crying. I told him I missed him so much it was breaking my heart. I told him it felt like I'd lost him all over again. I told him that no man has ever loved me the way he loved me. I told him I needed him, couldn't go a day without thinking of him. Then I lit a candle for him and started getting ready for work. I cried the whole time. I'm crying now. I've not been this distraught over him in a while. I swear I thought I was gonna wake up and he was gonna be lying next to me smiling. That's how real that dream was. I could smell his cologne on my sheets and in the air, I could still feel his warmth on the left side of my bed...his head had left an indentation on the pillow on the left side of my bed. I never sleep on the left side of my bed! I wish he could come back to me and stay, I need him. Why'd he have to die? Why couldn't it be someone else, someone no one cared about. It isn't fucking fair! We were supposed to travel together, finish reading Aristotle together, go to the lake front and people watch together, lay in the Centennial Rose Garden and dream together, splash in the water at Fountain Square together...we were  supposed to grow old and die TOGETHER. The love of my life is gone and he is never coming back...ever. That is so final. It's so unfair...we'd only just begun. Now the tears won't stop. I don't think they'll ever stop.

Shrines, dreams & things (Originally posted 7-29-05)

The above image is the Adinkra symbol for Sankofa which means: "return and go get it"

I erected my ancestral shrine on Monday, July 25th. My sleep has been peaceful ever since. Coincidence? I don't believe in coincidence. Two nights after the shrine had been completed, I had the most incredibly realistic dream about my first soul mate.

In fact, the dream was sooo real, that when I woke up, I expected to see him lying next to me smiling. I was kind of sad when I woke up alone. I mean I know that I will always carry a part of him with me, I know that whenever I want to commune with his spirit I can approach the shrine but....it isn't the same. At any rate, even though he is not one of my ancestors, I revere him on my shrine because he was such an important figure in my life. He passed away back in February 2001. I don't remember too many details about the dream but I do know that we were riding bikes downtown Chicago and laughing and talking. When he was alive we spent a lot of time exploring the city together and just talking. He was an incredible person. I miss him so much that at times it's unbearable. I compare every man I date to him. Not in an unfair way or anything like that, just in a; "DE" was the definition of a man, is this dude a real man kinda way. Because of "DE" I know what I deserve, I know how I should be treated, I know what to accept or deny. Because of the dream, I made sure that I spent some time with him at the shrine before I left for work that morning. I told him I missed him terribly and that any time he wanted to visit me, whether I was awake or sleeping, he was more than welcome. I had that dream Wednesday, July 27. I've not dreamed of him again so far. My next plan of action is to erect my shrine to the Orishas/Lwas. I have no idea where I'm going to put it though, there isn't enough room in my bedroom and it's supposed to be someplace private. I'm sure most of the folks who will read this will have no idea what I'm talking about.